For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and devour one another take heed that you are not consumed by one another (Galatians 5:14-15).
A couple of days ago I was checking out some of my archived material (perhaps I'm my own biggest fan) when I happened on a "Bullet" that was posted March 24, 2006 called THE VALUE OF MARRIAGE TO KIDS. A lady named Valerie commented on it and for some unknown reason I did not respond to her. (It might be good to go to the archive and read it for yourself.) Here is her comment:
I agree with most of your post, but how long does one stay in marriage being ignored, taken advantage of, and serving as maid and whore?
If people are mature, educated adults, they can make a divorce "work" for kids. Of course its not the ideal situation; but putting the kids first in marriage AND divorce is imperative. remaining civil with each other after a separation is far better than ignorance and bitterness in a marriage.
Dear Valerie, if you were my client one of my first priorities would be to determine whether or not you and the children are safe in your marriage relationship. If there is abuse, addictions and on-going affairs then a spouse and children are not safe. If basic safety exists then mom and dad need to understand the dangers they are presenting to their children when they divorce. Though many children are able to deal with the divorce of their parents okay, there are many children who are not and I am not sure any children get through a divorce without being scarred--my own case work bears it out.
The argument that children fare better when mom and dad are happy living separately rather than living together in bitterness sounds logical sounds reasonable, but in fact, it is not. Because of the loss of income that is a consequence of most divorces and the loss of a place to call their own, children suffer material loss. Because of the sexualized atmosphere of their parent's new romantic interests, children are predisposed to early sexual behavior and sexual abuse. Because the new "significant others" have no investment in the lives of the children, physical and verbal abuse is much more likely. Emotional and psychological harm result from the grief of the loss of relationships as they were, and the thought, in the children's mind, that they caused the loss. No matter how much the parent's tell them that they are not the cause, the children still believe it because the parents have lied about other things. The children believe they are not loved too.
Finally, your response indicates that, though you and your husband might be educated adults, emotionally you are not acting like mature adults. Your children have the greatest stake in your marriage. It is time to grow up for the sake of the children. If, when your youngest child is 18, you still feel as you do towards your husband, then go for a divorce but your children need you and your husband to provide a stable home life for them now. From the tone of your letter, it sounds like your communication style is that the husband demands and you withdraw. You are about to extremely withdraw in divorce. Do not. Rather, learn to set boundaries and clearly communicate what you expect of him. If you do that, in 18 years you will probably enjoy being his wife.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
COMMUNION MEDITATION INSPIRED BY HAROLD CAMPING
And as they were eating, he took bread, and blessed, and broke it, and gave it to them, and said, "Take; this is my body." And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he gave it to them, and they all drank of it. And he said to them, "This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many. Truly, I say to you, I shall not drink again of the fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new in the kingdom of God" (Mark 14:22-25).
It was my turn on the rotation to bring the communion meditation. As I pondered what thoughts to bring it struck me that something connected with what has been on most people's mind this last week might be most meaningful. Because of the publicity given to Harold Camping's prediction of the rapture on the 21st, I thought these thoughts would be meaningful.
The celebration of the Lord's Supper is a backward look. Jesus said that the purpose of the Lord's Supper was a memorial to him (I Corinthians 11:24&25). We must never forget the reason for our hope, pardon and forgiveness!
The celebration of the Lord's Supper is an inward look. The celebration of Communion in a worthy manner includes self-examination. There cannot be any appreciation of what Jesus has done for us if there is not an honest appraisal of one's own heart. While our evil thoughts and actions might not be evident to others, God knows and we know. Any one who thinks, "I'm good enough to make it to Heaven" will likely not be there!
The celebration of the Lord's Supper is a forward look. If Harold Camping was right, we would all be celebrating the Eucharist together with the Lord Jesus right now, but we are not. How do you feel about that? I am disappointed! I would rather be raptured than to die. However, I knew that Camping was wrong the minute I heard the date and the time because Jesus said, But of the day and hour now one know, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only (Matthew 24:36). How is it that otherwise intelligent people can be so stupid as to contradict the clear teachings of Scripture. In an effort to discourage the date-setters of his time, Isaac Newton said that the Lord will not return before 2060. Nevertheless, datesetters still abound. Celebrating the Lord's Supper does remind us to look ahead to the time when we will all celebrate it together in Heaven with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. What a celebration that will be!!!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
It was my turn on the rotation to bring the communion meditation. As I pondered what thoughts to bring it struck me that something connected with what has been on most people's mind this last week might be most meaningful. Because of the publicity given to Harold Camping's prediction of the rapture on the 21st, I thought these thoughts would be meaningful.
The celebration of the Lord's Supper is a backward look. Jesus said that the purpose of the Lord's Supper was a memorial to him (I Corinthians 11:24&25). We must never forget the reason for our hope, pardon and forgiveness!
The celebration of the Lord's Supper is an inward look. The celebration of Communion in a worthy manner includes self-examination. There cannot be any appreciation of what Jesus has done for us if there is not an honest appraisal of one's own heart. While our evil thoughts and actions might not be evident to others, God knows and we know. Any one who thinks, "I'm good enough to make it to Heaven" will likely not be there!
The celebration of the Lord's Supper is a forward look. If Harold Camping was right, we would all be celebrating the Eucharist together with the Lord Jesus right now, but we are not. How do you feel about that? I am disappointed! I would rather be raptured than to die. However, I knew that Camping was wrong the minute I heard the date and the time because Jesus said, But of the day and hour now one know, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only (Matthew 24:36). How is it that otherwise intelligent people can be so stupid as to contradict the clear teachings of Scripture. In an effort to discourage the date-setters of his time, Isaac Newton said that the Lord will not return before 2060. Nevertheless, datesetters still abound. Celebrating the Lord's Supper does remind us to look ahead to the time when we will all celebrate it together in Heaven with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. What a celebration that will be!!!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Monday, May 16, 2011
EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1 KJV).
While there are much better translations of Hebrews 11:1, the King James Version provides a truth about faith that is missing in the other translations and that is the evidence of things not seen. The faith that we have in God is not a leap of faith, it is not blind faith, but it is a reasonable faith based on evidence.
God has always required faith as the basis of a relationship with Him. And without faith it is impossible to please God. Those who come to Him must believe that He exists and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). Faith in an invisible God is a tough sell, but that faith has always distinguished Hebrews and Christians from others. Paul writes a wonderful benediction to Timothy: Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen (I T. 1:17).
God has not left us without evidence of His existence and presence! The heavens declare the glory of God and the skies proclaim the work of his hands (Psalms 19:1). For since the creation of the world, His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made so that they are without excuse (Romans 1:20). There is plenty of evidence in our universe of intelligent design. Even though that evidence "slaps them in the face" many refuse to see because of the implication of what life means if there is a creator God.
God has left us with the evidence of fulfilled prophecy. The Bible is full of examples of prophecy fulfilled. Daniel's seventy-weeks prophecy comes most readily to mind in Daniel chapter 9, but there are many others. Because of Daniel's prophecy, there were many like Anna and Simeon waiting in expectancy for the promised Messiah when Jesus came (see Luke 2:21-38).
Ultimately, the evidence of things not seen is the resurrection of Christ from the dead. Christians have always said that without the resurrection there is no Christianity: and if Christ has not been raised, your faith is worthless . . . (I Corinthians 15:17). The risen Christ was seen by more than five hundred people. They are credible witnesses because they were martyred for their witness. People do not knowingly die for a lie.
Blaise Pascal was a Christian, philosopher and mathematician. He is famous for his wager that goes something like this: If one lives his life as if God is and He isn't then he has lost nothing. If one lives his life as if God isn't and He is he has lost everything. While Pascal's wager is true, it should not be the reason for why a person is a Christian. Pascal's wager is not the basis of a relationship--faith is. We have a faith relationship with God, confident in the expectation of Heaven because of what Jesus has done for us. It is confidence in a relationship, not in a wager.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
While there are much better translations of Hebrews 11:1, the King James Version provides a truth about faith that is missing in the other translations and that is the evidence of things not seen. The faith that we have in God is not a leap of faith, it is not blind faith, but it is a reasonable faith based on evidence.
God has always required faith as the basis of a relationship with Him. And without faith it is impossible to please God. Those who come to Him must believe that He exists and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). Faith in an invisible God is a tough sell, but that faith has always distinguished Hebrews and Christians from others. Paul writes a wonderful benediction to Timothy: Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen (I T. 1:17).
God has not left us without evidence of His existence and presence! The heavens declare the glory of God and the skies proclaim the work of his hands (Psalms 19:1). For since the creation of the world, His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made so that they are without excuse (Romans 1:20). There is plenty of evidence in our universe of intelligent design. Even though that evidence "slaps them in the face" many refuse to see because of the implication of what life means if there is a creator God.
God has left us with the evidence of fulfilled prophecy. The Bible is full of examples of prophecy fulfilled. Daniel's seventy-weeks prophecy comes most readily to mind in Daniel chapter 9, but there are many others. Because of Daniel's prophecy, there were many like Anna and Simeon waiting in expectancy for the promised Messiah when Jesus came (see Luke 2:21-38).
Ultimately, the evidence of things not seen is the resurrection of Christ from the dead. Christians have always said that without the resurrection there is no Christianity: and if Christ has not been raised, your faith is worthless . . . (I Corinthians 15:17). The risen Christ was seen by more than five hundred people. They are credible witnesses because they were martyred for their witness. People do not knowingly die for a lie.
Blaise Pascal was a Christian, philosopher and mathematician. He is famous for his wager that goes something like this: If one lives his life as if God is and He isn't then he has lost nothing. If one lives his life as if God isn't and He is he has lost everything. While Pascal's wager is true, it should not be the reason for why a person is a Christian. Pascal's wager is not the basis of a relationship--faith is. We have a faith relationship with God, confident in the expectation of Heaven because of what Jesus has done for us. It is confidence in a relationship, not in a wager.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A LATE MOTHER'S-DAY THOUGHT
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27).
Because of the season, I have been very busy on the farm. As a result, I have not kept up on my writing responsibilities as I should; please forgive me.
One of the thoughts I wanted to develop for Mother's Day was this: Even though Jesus taught us to address God as our Father, the complete expression of God's personality is both masculine and feminine. Both males and females are created in the image of God. Though my study on this subject is far from complete, I will share four verses that point to God's desire to nurture, and care for people as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings to protect them.
I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings (Psalms 61:4).
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings (Psalms 63:7).
The Lord recompense you for what you have done, and a full reward be given to you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge (Ruth 2:12).
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, killing the prophets and stoning those who are sent to you! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not! (Matthew 23:37).
Much more can be said about this, but the point I want to emphasize it this: Those women who manifest the image of God in their lives of loving and nurturing children are mothers whether they have given birth or not.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Because of the season, I have been very busy on the farm. As a result, I have not kept up on my writing responsibilities as I should; please forgive me.
One of the thoughts I wanted to develop for Mother's Day was this: Even though Jesus taught us to address God as our Father, the complete expression of God's personality is both masculine and feminine. Both males and females are created in the image of God. Though my study on this subject is far from complete, I will share four verses that point to God's desire to nurture, and care for people as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings to protect them.
I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings (Psalms 61:4).
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings (Psalms 63:7).
The Lord recompense you for what you have done, and a full reward be given to you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge (Ruth 2:12).
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, killing the prophets and stoning those who are sent to you! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not! (Matthew 23:37).
Much more can be said about this, but the point I want to emphasize it this: Those women who manifest the image of God in their lives of loving and nurturing children are mothers whether they have given birth or not.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
WALKING WITH MY GRANDSON
Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? (Amos 3:3).
Helen and I do not have many grandchildren (Only five) but the ones we do have are the best! This past weekend, Helen and I drove to Iowa City to attend grandparents day at Heritage Christian School where Alex and Samantha attend. We were able to visit the classes that Alex and Samantha attend and have a first-hand look at academics from a Christian perspective. It was well worth the time to do this!
The remainder of the weekend we just had a good time "hanging out" together. It is part of my daily routine to take a walk, so Alex volunteered to walk with his grampa. As it turned out, grampa walked with Alex more than he walked with me. Alex is just 12 years old, but he already stands 5' 10" and has long legs. He nearly walked my legs off! I have never been a fast walker, liking to think, meditate and pray as I walk. Walking with Alex, one has to concentrate on keeping up with the pace--no time for dallying! For Alex we were just walking his normal pace.
Often people cannot walk together because they have cut themselves off from each other so that even a simple walk in the park is not doable because of anger, bitterness, and false beliefs. While I was walking with Alex I was thinking how blessed I am to be able to enjoy something so simple as a daily walk with my grandson.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Helen and I do not have many grandchildren (Only five) but the ones we do have are the best! This past weekend, Helen and I drove to Iowa City to attend grandparents day at Heritage Christian School where Alex and Samantha attend. We were able to visit the classes that Alex and Samantha attend and have a first-hand look at academics from a Christian perspective. It was well worth the time to do this!
The remainder of the weekend we just had a good time "hanging out" together. It is part of my daily routine to take a walk, so Alex volunteered to walk with his grampa. As it turned out, grampa walked with Alex more than he walked with me. Alex is just 12 years old, but he already stands 5' 10" and has long legs. He nearly walked my legs off! I have never been a fast walker, liking to think, meditate and pray as I walk. Walking with Alex, one has to concentrate on keeping up with the pace--no time for dallying! For Alex we were just walking his normal pace.
Often people cannot walk together because they have cut themselves off from each other so that even a simple walk in the park is not doable because of anger, bitterness, and false beliefs. While I was walking with Alex I was thinking how blessed I am to be able to enjoy something so simple as a daily walk with my grandson.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Friday, April 22, 2011
THE BUDGET MESS
See that you do not despise one of these little ones; for I tell you that in heaven their angels always behold the face of the Father who is in heaven (Matthew 18:10).
As a result of the recent budget battle in Washington, I am not optimistic that we will ever balance the budget. The result of deficit spending is always inflation. Inflation is a cruel thief, stealing from the poor and the elderly, those who can least afford it. The irony is that liberal/progressive politicians, who claim to be the champions of the poor and the elderly, are the ones who are responsible for the huge deficits that are the cause of the high inflation rates staring us in the face. In spite of the rhetoric, these politicians have done as much to hurt the cause of the poor and elderly as to help them.
The reason I am so negative about our financial future is that we cannot even stop tax-payer dollars from going to support planned population control--I should say planned parenthood. Planned parenthood is the single largest abortion provider in the United States and the single largest abortion promoter in the world. PP has challenged common-sense legislation such as right-to-know laws and has backed partial birth abortion. In 2009 PP took in $149.9 million of revenue just from doing abortions which accounts for more than a third of the the $404.9 million of total PP revenue. In terms of the total US budget that is small potatoes, but life is a core value. How we, as a society, look at the value of the unborn is indicative of how we, as a society, arrive at our other values. If we refuse to protect the right to life of the unborn, the rights of every other person are expendable too. I think as we begin to know more and more of what is in ObamaCare we will understand how expendable our rights are.
Materialists view every problem as a money problem. But there are some problems that money cannot solve no matter how much is spent. The real problem is a "heart" problem that will be resolved in Jesus Christ or in judgment. The angels of the "little ones" might not prevent their abuse and deaths, but they certainly make a record of their abusers, preparing for them the hottest places in perdition.
Our Father's Love,
Tom
As a result of the recent budget battle in Washington, I am not optimistic that we will ever balance the budget. The result of deficit spending is always inflation. Inflation is a cruel thief, stealing from the poor and the elderly, those who can least afford it. The irony is that liberal/progressive politicians, who claim to be the champions of the poor and the elderly, are the ones who are responsible for the huge deficits that are the cause of the high inflation rates staring us in the face. In spite of the rhetoric, these politicians have done as much to hurt the cause of the poor and elderly as to help them.
The reason I am so negative about our financial future is that we cannot even stop tax-payer dollars from going to support planned population control--I should say planned parenthood. Planned parenthood is the single largest abortion provider in the United States and the single largest abortion promoter in the world. PP has challenged common-sense legislation such as right-to-know laws and has backed partial birth abortion. In 2009 PP took in $149.9 million of revenue just from doing abortions which accounts for more than a third of the the $404.9 million of total PP revenue. In terms of the total US budget that is small potatoes, but life is a core value. How we, as a society, look at the value of the unborn is indicative of how we, as a society, arrive at our other values. If we refuse to protect the right to life of the unborn, the rights of every other person are expendable too. I think as we begin to know more and more of what is in ObamaCare we will understand how expendable our rights are.
Materialists view every problem as a money problem. But there are some problems that money cannot solve no matter how much is spent. The real problem is a "heart" problem that will be resolved in Jesus Christ or in judgment. The angels of the "little ones" might not prevent their abuse and deaths, but they certainly make a record of their abusers, preparing for them the hottest places in perdition.
Our Father's Love,
Tom
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
WHY GOD MATTERS
Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep (Psalms 127:1-2 RSV).
I am reading through the Psalms, but not reading very fast. This was in my reading yesterday and I thought it appropriate to share with you, my dear reader.
As we live our lives there are some basics that must be in place so that our lives can be lived with confidence and in peace of mind. The most important basic is God, believing in Him, trusting in Him and obeying Him. Without God as the foundation, the building of your life will come apart. Without God as the watchman the city of your life will be invaded by every enemy and no defense mechanism can stop it.
With God as our co-builder and as our co-watchman we can be assured that our lives will matter, giving blessing and peace to those around us.
I like how the New American Standard Version translates the last line of this text: for he gives to his beloved even in his sleep. When God is made the foundation stone of our lives, he blesses the labors of our hands so that, even while we are getting a normal night's sleep, God is working for us. It is not to say that there will never be a time when we do not put in loong hours, but the anxious working of long hours to get ahead can destroy the most important things in life; like a family.
So remember this verse from the book of Hebrews: Without faith it is impossible to please God. Those who come to Him must believe that he exists and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him (Hebrews 11:6 Tom Steele's Memory Version).
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
I am reading through the Psalms, but not reading very fast. This was in my reading yesterday and I thought it appropriate to share with you, my dear reader.
As we live our lives there are some basics that must be in place so that our lives can be lived with confidence and in peace of mind. The most important basic is God, believing in Him, trusting in Him and obeying Him. Without God as the foundation, the building of your life will come apart. Without God as the watchman the city of your life will be invaded by every enemy and no defense mechanism can stop it.
With God as our co-builder and as our co-watchman we can be assured that our lives will matter, giving blessing and peace to those around us.
I like how the New American Standard Version translates the last line of this text: for he gives to his beloved even in his sleep. When God is made the foundation stone of our lives, he blesses the labors of our hands so that, even while we are getting a normal night's sleep, God is working for us. It is not to say that there will never be a time when we do not put in loong hours, but the anxious working of long hours to get ahead can destroy the most important things in life; like a family.
So remember this verse from the book of Hebrews: Without faith it is impossible to please God. Those who come to Him must believe that he exists and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him (Hebrews 11:6 Tom Steele's Memory Version).
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Friday, April 08, 2011
THE BENEFITS OF BELIEVING
The 103rd Psalm is a Psalm of David. If anyone needed these blessings from the Lord, he did! David committed the "big" sins of theft, adultery and murder. David was much like us. Though his sins were big and many, he tried to cover them up just as we do. We might not have committed the "big" sins, but we have deceived ourselves into thinking that lust, gossip, greed and laziness are not quite so bad as the "big" sins. God doesn't see it that way, so we are just as much in need of God's pardon, forgiveness and other blessings as David was. Because of His grace and mercy, God supplies these blessings to those who believe in Him and seek Him:
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the Pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good as long as you live so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's (Psalms 103: 2-5).
I encourage you to read the whole of Psalms 103--it is one of my favorite Psalms.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the Pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good as long as you live so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's (Psalms 103: 2-5).
I encourage you to read the whole of Psalms 103--it is one of my favorite Psalms.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE: (PART 3): Self Evaluation
Let a man examine himself . . . (I Corinthians 11:28).
Steadfast love and faithfulness will meet; righteousness and peace will kiss each other (Psalms 85:10).
One of the assignments I give to clients who are having marital problems is to take a week and keep track of how many positive communications occur and how many negative communications occur. My purpose is to help them to become aware of how they communicate. I have never had a couple actually complete the assignment, but it is one of the most important assignments to be done in marriage counseling.
Self evaluation is not easy because it requires intentional awareness of the give and take of communication, and often we communicate in ways in which we are not aware. For instance, what does it mean when a spouse walks into the room and his/her partner does not acknowledge his/her presence? It might mean nothing, but if it is part of a pattern of ignoring, it could be more than discourtesy and be actual passive aggresive behavior. When I was taking my student practicum in seminary, the counseling sessions were video taped. Though this was painful for me to watch me, video taping was an excellent way to become aware of the non-verbal communication that was being covered up by the verbal.
There is as much non-verbal communication, if not more, than verbal. A twinkle or wink of the eye, a touch or a love pat, a little kiss or a smile on the face says to the spouse, "You are important to me" or "I love you." However, if one is busy and the husband or wife walks in the room and there is no verbal or non-verbal acknowledgement then what is being communicated is, "My work is more important than you right now." That is an example of negative communication.
Predicting the success or failure of a marriage is almost as simple as doing the math. It takes no less than 5 positives to one negative in marital communication or the marriage will become problematic. Negatives weigh more than positives so it is absolutely necessary to make sure positives far out weigh negatives--it has to be intentional.
Our communication reflects what we believe about our spouse, and/or others, so perhaps marriage therapy should begin by dealing with those beliefs. However, one of my rules for marriage and family therapy is that the couple or the family members communicate with respect. It is not possible to change beliefs if the communication is disrespectful, so the first lesson they learn in therapy is that of respectful communication.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Steadfast love and faithfulness will meet; righteousness and peace will kiss each other (Psalms 85:10).
One of the assignments I give to clients who are having marital problems is to take a week and keep track of how many positive communications occur and how many negative communications occur. My purpose is to help them to become aware of how they communicate. I have never had a couple actually complete the assignment, but it is one of the most important assignments to be done in marriage counseling.
Self evaluation is not easy because it requires intentional awareness of the give and take of communication, and often we communicate in ways in which we are not aware. For instance, what does it mean when a spouse walks into the room and his/her partner does not acknowledge his/her presence? It might mean nothing, but if it is part of a pattern of ignoring, it could be more than discourtesy and be actual passive aggresive behavior. When I was taking my student practicum in seminary, the counseling sessions were video taped. Though this was painful for me to watch me, video taping was an excellent way to become aware of the non-verbal communication that was being covered up by the verbal.
There is as much non-verbal communication, if not more, than verbal. A twinkle or wink of the eye, a touch or a love pat, a little kiss or a smile on the face says to the spouse, "You are important to me" or "I love you." However, if one is busy and the husband or wife walks in the room and there is no verbal or non-verbal acknowledgement then what is being communicated is, "My work is more important than you right now." That is an example of negative communication.
Predicting the success or failure of a marriage is almost as simple as doing the math. It takes no less than 5 positives to one negative in marital communication or the marriage will become problematic. Negatives weigh more than positives so it is absolutely necessary to make sure positives far out weigh negatives--it has to be intentional.
Our communication reflects what we believe about our spouse, and/or others, so perhaps marriage therapy should begin by dealing with those beliefs. However, one of my rules for marriage and family therapy is that the couple or the family members communicate with respect. It is not possible to change beliefs if the communication is disrespectful, so the first lesson they learn in therapy is that of respectful communication.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Saturday, March 26, 2011
COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE (PART 2) Direct Communication
A continual dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in his right hand (Proverbs 27:15-16).
With 700 wives and 300 concubines, many men might look with envy on Solomon, but Solomon knew very well what he was saying from experience. I'm sure that there were more than 2 or 3 of his women who fit that description. This is quite a contrast to the ideal wife of whom he would write about in Proverbs 31. I should add that there are many men who are just as contentious and would fit Solomon's description just as well.
Helen and I had the privilege of serving on a marriage panel at a Christian conference workshop. I spoke briefly of the value of direct communication in marriage while Helen spoke negatively, and by her facial expressions, expressed strong disagreement with what I had said. So, you could rightly say, "Physician, heal yourself." Helen's real problem is understanding what direct communication looks like, so that is where I will begin.
Direct communication is not saying directly whatever one feels like saying. For people who tend to be driven by their emotions, that is how they see direct communication, saying what they feel at the time. They will insist that it is not honest communication if one cannot say what he/she feels. However, emotionally driven communication is almost always negative in its effect.
Direct communication is not emotionless, but its purpose is to convey information. Air-traffic controllers, hospitals, police departments are examples of where direct communication has to be used--marriages are no less important. Direct communication has no implied meanings or mixed messages. Direct communication is not sarcastic or defensive, it does not have a tone of voice or a facial expression that says one thing but means another. In other words, there is congruence in direct communication. Direct communication fosters intimacy because one knows that their thoughts will be handled with respect by the other who is listening, and vice versa. Intimacy is very difficult when communication is emotionally driven.
Marriages require intimacy and communication is the road to intimacy. When a spouse feels safe sharing his/her innermost thoughts with someone other than the marital partner then there will be an affair. I tend to be emotionally driven, so I am including myself in this, there will be times of conflict in marriage. It is easy to let emotions take over the conflict. Then one of the spouses has to say, "My emotions have taken over, let's not talk about it until we can cool down." This is direct communication that preserves each other's dignity.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
With 700 wives and 300 concubines, many men might look with envy on Solomon, but Solomon knew very well what he was saying from experience. I'm sure that there were more than 2 or 3 of his women who fit that description. This is quite a contrast to the ideal wife of whom he would write about in Proverbs 31. I should add that there are many men who are just as contentious and would fit Solomon's description just as well.
Helen and I had the privilege of serving on a marriage panel at a Christian conference workshop. I spoke briefly of the value of direct communication in marriage while Helen spoke negatively, and by her facial expressions, expressed strong disagreement with what I had said. So, you could rightly say, "Physician, heal yourself." Helen's real problem is understanding what direct communication looks like, so that is where I will begin.
Direct communication is not saying directly whatever one feels like saying. For people who tend to be driven by their emotions, that is how they see direct communication, saying what they feel at the time. They will insist that it is not honest communication if one cannot say what he/she feels. However, emotionally driven communication is almost always negative in its effect.
Direct communication is not emotionless, but its purpose is to convey information. Air-traffic controllers, hospitals, police departments are examples of where direct communication has to be used--marriages are no less important. Direct communication has no implied meanings or mixed messages. Direct communication is not sarcastic or defensive, it does not have a tone of voice or a facial expression that says one thing but means another. In other words, there is congruence in direct communication. Direct communication fosters intimacy because one knows that their thoughts will be handled with respect by the other who is listening, and vice versa. Intimacy is very difficult when communication is emotionally driven.
Marriages require intimacy and communication is the road to intimacy. When a spouse feels safe sharing his/her innermost thoughts with someone other than the marital partner then there will be an affair. I tend to be emotionally driven, so I am including myself in this, there will be times of conflict in marriage. It is easy to let emotions take over the conflict. Then one of the spouses has to say, "My emotions have taken over, let's not talk about it until we can cool down." This is direct communication that preserves each other's dignity.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone (Colossians 4:6).
Communication is essential to relationship. The success or failure of a relationship can be predicted by the communication patterns in that relationship. Some marriage communication experts have said that they can predict with as high as 96% accuracy whether or not a marriage will succeed based on the communication patterns in the premarital relationship, so you can see how important this subject is. Communication patterns in the premarital relationship are not likely to change very much for the better in the marital relationship.
First, I will discuss some negative communication patterns, and then, in a sequel, write about positive communication. The following are communication patterns that are extremely destructive to a marriage:
1) Withdrawal. It is impossible not to communicate in a relationship. When one of the partners withdraws, the other partner is left guessing what this withdrawal means, but it does mean something. Withdrawal can take the form of working long hours, being over involved in hobbies or other activities, giving the spouse the silent treatment. Withdrawal can be extremely frightening to the other spouse because he/she is left guessing what it means. So, withdrawal is a kind of spousal abuse.
2) Escalation. Escalation is increases the conflict. Raising the voice, slamming the door or throwing objects are intended to intimidate the spouse, or putting the most positive spin on it, get the spouses attention, but yelling, screaming and throwing objects will never strengthen a relationship. Escalation will destroy a relationship!
3) Invalidation. Invalidation is name calling, putting down spouse in front of others, ignoring the spouse for a time, rolling eyeballs and heavy breathing when spouse asks to do something apparently stupid. Constant criticism is another hall-mark of invalidation.
4) Negative interpretation. Negative interpretation is when a spouses positives are interpreted negatively, for example, if a husband brings his wife flowers and the wife says, "Oh, you just want to have sex tonight." This might be the most dangerous pattern because the spouse has judged the motives of his/her partner and found it wanting--it reveals the value placed on the relationship.
I share this with you so that you can become more aware of how you communicate. It isn't just profanity that is unholy communication, but each one of these communication patterns as well.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Communication is essential to relationship. The success or failure of a relationship can be predicted by the communication patterns in that relationship. Some marriage communication experts have said that they can predict with as high as 96% accuracy whether or not a marriage will succeed based on the communication patterns in the premarital relationship, so you can see how important this subject is. Communication patterns in the premarital relationship are not likely to change very much for the better in the marital relationship.
First, I will discuss some negative communication patterns, and then, in a sequel, write about positive communication. The following are communication patterns that are extremely destructive to a marriage:
1) Withdrawal. It is impossible not to communicate in a relationship. When one of the partners withdraws, the other partner is left guessing what this withdrawal means, but it does mean something. Withdrawal can take the form of working long hours, being over involved in hobbies or other activities, giving the spouse the silent treatment. Withdrawal can be extremely frightening to the other spouse because he/she is left guessing what it means. So, withdrawal is a kind of spousal abuse.
2) Escalation. Escalation is increases the conflict. Raising the voice, slamming the door or throwing objects are intended to intimidate the spouse, or putting the most positive spin on it, get the spouses attention, but yelling, screaming and throwing objects will never strengthen a relationship. Escalation will destroy a relationship!
3) Invalidation. Invalidation is name calling, putting down spouse in front of others, ignoring the spouse for a time, rolling eyeballs and heavy breathing when spouse asks to do something apparently stupid. Constant criticism is another hall-mark of invalidation.
4) Negative interpretation. Negative interpretation is when a spouses positives are interpreted negatively, for example, if a husband brings his wife flowers and the wife says, "Oh, you just want to have sex tonight." This might be the most dangerous pattern because the spouse has judged the motives of his/her partner and found it wanting--it reveals the value placed on the relationship.
I share this with you so that you can become more aware of how you communicate. It isn't just profanity that is unholy communication, but each one of these communication patterns as well.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Monday, March 14, 2011
SEX IN MARRIAGE: PORNOGRAPHY
You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I say to you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart ( Matthew 5:27-28).
Many things could be said about this text, but I am using it to emphasize the point that the use of pornography undermines an intimate relationship between husband and wife in marriage.
More so in our time than any other, sexual images are so freely available. Perfect bodies, sexual prowess and free, "no-strings-attached" sexuality, are on display daily on television during family viewing times. Add to this internet pornography and it is a wonder that not everyone has a distorted view of sex. Perhaps what we have is a necessary consequence of free-speech rights, but we do pay a heavy price for it.
The result of all of this is plunging our kids into a world of sexual fantasy that is not real--sex that is wild passion. The worst part of this is, that for many, unless the fantasy becomes reality, then it is boring. In my case work I have encountered several marriages in which the underlying problem was the use of pornography on the part of the husband. Men tend to be more influenced by visual images than women, but addiction to pornography is not limited to men. When pornography is a factor in marital relationships there is an attempt to make fantasy reality. If the wife is not pretty enough to match up with fantasy, then there will be an attempt to find a way to include someone who is, or there could be a fantasy scenario that will be attempted to act out. Fantasizing is an act of self absorption and an attempt to escape reality; it does not lead to greater intimacy, but to greater isolation, emptiness and selfcenteredness.
There are quite a few reasons to restrict sexual behavior in society, but one of them is that restriction enhances sexuality. Too much candy makes a person sick. Too much of a good thing makes it ordinary. In the words of Dr.Val Farmer, a psychologist, Sex "punctuates a relationship instead of being the entire dialogue."
The measure of good sex is this: Does it enhance emotional closeness with one's spouse? Though this sounds like circular reasoning, emotional closeness will enhance good sex. Pornography will undermine both good sex and emotional closeness.
If pornography is a problem with you, find a counselor who can help you with it--you will be blessed!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Many things could be said about this text, but I am using it to emphasize the point that the use of pornography undermines an intimate relationship between husband and wife in marriage.
More so in our time than any other, sexual images are so freely available. Perfect bodies, sexual prowess and free, "no-strings-attached" sexuality, are on display daily on television during family viewing times. Add to this internet pornography and it is a wonder that not everyone has a distorted view of sex. Perhaps what we have is a necessary consequence of free-speech rights, but we do pay a heavy price for it.
The result of all of this is plunging our kids into a world of sexual fantasy that is not real--sex that is wild passion. The worst part of this is, that for many, unless the fantasy becomes reality, then it is boring. In my case work I have encountered several marriages in which the underlying problem was the use of pornography on the part of the husband. Men tend to be more influenced by visual images than women, but addiction to pornography is not limited to men. When pornography is a factor in marital relationships there is an attempt to make fantasy reality. If the wife is not pretty enough to match up with fantasy, then there will be an attempt to find a way to include someone who is, or there could be a fantasy scenario that will be attempted to act out. Fantasizing is an act of self absorption and an attempt to escape reality; it does not lead to greater intimacy, but to greater isolation, emptiness and selfcenteredness.
There are quite a few reasons to restrict sexual behavior in society, but one of them is that restriction enhances sexuality. Too much candy makes a person sick. Too much of a good thing makes it ordinary. In the words of Dr.Val Farmer, a psychologist, Sex "punctuates a relationship instead of being the entire dialogue."
The measure of good sex is this: Does it enhance emotional closeness with one's spouse? Though this sounds like circular reasoning, emotional closeness will enhance good sex. Pornography will undermine both good sex and emotional closeness.
If pornography is a problem with you, find a counselor who can help you with it--you will be blessed!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
SEX IN MARRIAGE: THE IMPORTANCE OF
But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season . . . (I Corinthians 7:2-5a).
Marriage is a complex relationship between a man and a woman. A great sex life, by itself, will not save a relationship, but the lack of an adequate sex life is a symptom of other problems in a marriage. The lack of sex in marriage might simply be a symptom of failing physical health and should be checked out. If one is to obey the Scriptures, there is an obligation to maintain physical health as long as possible in order to meet the sexual needs of the spouse. Married couples who have regular sex have a life expectancy that is 5 to 7 years longer.
The lack of sex in a marriage is a symptom of the lack of intimacy in a marriage. Intimacy is giving yourself away--it is feeling safe enough to become vulnerable and share the most deep feelings of one's heart without having them ridiculed and made fun of. While sex itself is not intimacy, sex makes intimacy more likely and the end of sex is a signal of the end of intimacy.
Low sex and no sex marriages are not as happy. In a New York Times interview with Dr. Denise Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, Dr. Donnelly asserted that according to her research she found that, "People in low sex and sexless marriages are not as happy and are more likely to consider divorce."
The sex-drive of both men and women is a bell-shaped curve; that is a normal distribution. There are some men and women with high sex drives and some with low. Given the laws of attraction it is very likely that a low sex-drive man will be attracted to a high sex-drive woman, and vice versa. One's sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of--God made us this way. Nevertheless, when these kinds of matches are made, how can they be resolved? For the low sex-drive partner sex has to become intentional. One has to intentionally make time for it. One has to intentionally get in the mood for it. The low sex-drive partner will have to intentionally stay in good physical condition, and the man might have to take "Viagra" for it.
One of the purposes of marriage is to help deal with the temptation to sexual immorality. Both the Corinthian culture and our culture is highly sexualized--it is easy to fall into sexual immorality. A healthy marriage is a marriage that has a healthy sex life. How much sex is needed for a healthy sex-life? The amount on which both partners agree.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Addendum: Sex-drive can be conditioned to be either greater or lesser. Sex abuse as a child can condition a child toward a greater or lesser sex drive. Much of sex is in the psychology of a person, that is why this is the case. Pornography can have the same kind of influence. Of course, physical ailments influence sex drive too. If any of these things are influencing your married sex life, it is worth seeking professional help. Your marriage will be blessed because of it.
Marriage is a complex relationship between a man and a woman. A great sex life, by itself, will not save a relationship, but the lack of an adequate sex life is a symptom of other problems in a marriage. The lack of sex in marriage might simply be a symptom of failing physical health and should be checked out. If one is to obey the Scriptures, there is an obligation to maintain physical health as long as possible in order to meet the sexual needs of the spouse. Married couples who have regular sex have a life expectancy that is 5 to 7 years longer.
The lack of sex in a marriage is a symptom of the lack of intimacy in a marriage. Intimacy is giving yourself away--it is feeling safe enough to become vulnerable and share the most deep feelings of one's heart without having them ridiculed and made fun of. While sex itself is not intimacy, sex makes intimacy more likely and the end of sex is a signal of the end of intimacy.
Low sex and no sex marriages are not as happy. In a New York Times interview with Dr. Denise Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, Dr. Donnelly asserted that according to her research she found that, "People in low sex and sexless marriages are not as happy and are more likely to consider divorce."
The sex-drive of both men and women is a bell-shaped curve; that is a normal distribution. There are some men and women with high sex drives and some with low. Given the laws of attraction it is very likely that a low sex-drive man will be attracted to a high sex-drive woman, and vice versa. One's sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of--God made us this way. Nevertheless, when these kinds of matches are made, how can they be resolved? For the low sex-drive partner sex has to become intentional. One has to intentionally make time for it. One has to intentionally get in the mood for it. The low sex-drive partner will have to intentionally stay in good physical condition, and the man might have to take "Viagra" for it.
One of the purposes of marriage is to help deal with the temptation to sexual immorality. Both the Corinthian culture and our culture is highly sexualized--it is easy to fall into sexual immorality. A healthy marriage is a marriage that has a healthy sex life. How much sex is needed for a healthy sex-life? The amount on which both partners agree.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Addendum: Sex-drive can be conditioned to be either greater or lesser. Sex abuse as a child can condition a child toward a greater or lesser sex drive. Much of sex is in the psychology of a person, that is why this is the case. Pornography can have the same kind of influence. Of course, physical ailments influence sex drive too. If any of these things are influencing your married sex life, it is worth seeking professional help. Your marriage will be blessed because of it.
Monday, March 07, 2011
SEX IN MARRIAGE: A DISCLAIMER
Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control (I Corinthians 7:5).
In subsequent posts about sex in marriage, the reader might get the idea that this writer thinks that sex is the cure-all for everything that ails a marriage. I do not believe that, but I do know that a sexless marriage is not a healthy marriage--no sex means that there is little real intimacy in a marriage. Nevertheless, it is just common sense that there are times in married life when sex should be abstained from. In times of sickness, surgery, after birth and even for seasons of fasting and prayer it is right to abstain from sexual activity with a spouse. Those times can be very lengthy so self-control becomes a huge issue for the one who has the strongest sex-drive; most of the time it is the male, but in many cases it is the female that has to contend with sexual self-control.
As time goes on and a couple ages, sexual self-control becomes less of an issue because sexual hormone production decreases. Sex doesn't seem to be as urgent as is reflected in these statistics: The average amount of sex by married couples over all is 58 times a year. The average amount of sex by married couples under 30 is 111 times a year. To me it looks like the under 30 crowd is making up for a lot of the over 30 crowd. When George Burns, the comedian, was in his eighties and was commenting about octogenarian sex he said, "The one in the spring is the best one." My goal is to be as good as Moses (Deuteronomy 34:7) though it might be that I'm only as good as George Burns.
In married life there are times from which sex should be abstained. For either spouse not to recognize that is to violate the vow to love and cherish. Though sex is very important to married life, if there is really love and respect for each other, and for God, there will be times of sexual abstinence. I hope you all remember this as you read the sequels of sex in marriage.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
In subsequent posts about sex in marriage, the reader might get the idea that this writer thinks that sex is the cure-all for everything that ails a marriage. I do not believe that, but I do know that a sexless marriage is not a healthy marriage--no sex means that there is little real intimacy in a marriage. Nevertheless, it is just common sense that there are times in married life when sex should be abstained from. In times of sickness, surgery, after birth and even for seasons of fasting and prayer it is right to abstain from sexual activity with a spouse. Those times can be very lengthy so self-control becomes a huge issue for the one who has the strongest sex-drive; most of the time it is the male, but in many cases it is the female that has to contend with sexual self-control.
As time goes on and a couple ages, sexual self-control becomes less of an issue because sexual hormone production decreases. Sex doesn't seem to be as urgent as is reflected in these statistics: The average amount of sex by married couples over all is 58 times a year. The average amount of sex by married couples under 30 is 111 times a year. To me it looks like the under 30 crowd is making up for a lot of the over 30 crowd. When George Burns, the comedian, was in his eighties and was commenting about octogenarian sex he said, "The one in the spring is the best one." My goal is to be as good as Moses (Deuteronomy 34:7) though it might be that I'm only as good as George Burns.
In married life there are times from which sex should be abstained. For either spouse not to recognize that is to violate the vow to love and cherish. Though sex is very important to married life, if there is really love and respect for each other, and for God, there will be times of sexual abstinence. I hope you all remember this as you read the sequels of sex in marriage.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Thursday, March 03, 2011
SEX IN MARRIAGE: Introduction
And God saw everything he had made, and behold, it was very good (Genesis 1:31).
I have written little about sex in the postings of Silver bullets, its neglect is a glaring omission. Because one cannot turn anywhere in our culture and not be confronted with sexual themes, it is important to have a Christian perspective on sex and sex in marriage. As well, the competition between sexual issues and money issues as a cause of divorce is nearly equal, so for this reason it is important that I write something about sex in marriage. Much has been written in other venues about sex, perhaps I have nothing to add that is new, but in any case, a Christian perspective provides an important balance to the ubiquitous worldly perspective.
God made men and women sexual beings, telling them to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth (Genesis 1:28). It was after that that God pronounced his creation as being very good. Sex was truly good before the fall of mankind into sin. The way some think about sex is that it only became fun after the "fall," but in truth, it was before the "fall" that it was very good and really fun. My personal opinion is that like Adam and Eve knew that they were naked and so tried to cover themselves after their fall into sin, so sex itself fell into shame and has been a cause of power plays, abuse, and controversy ever after. But God intended that sex be a blessing, not a curse, something by which bonding and mutual strengthening would occur.
According to the Bible, sex is a good thing in the context of marriage. It was in that context that sex is introduced and it is in that context that sex is healthy and good. Sex is like fire. When fire is in the fireplace fire is good, bringing warmth and comfort to all in the house. If the fire gets out of the fireplace it burns the house down. So it is with sex. As long as it is kept in the context of marriage, husband and wife are warmed, comforted and strengthened by it--indirectly, even the children are blessed because the bond of dad and mom is strong. For those who think that the best sex is outside of marriage, there is no research that I know about that indicates that it is. The history of sex out of marriage is one of illness, poverty, alienation. The research shows that married couples have the most sex and the best sex. However, in more than a third of marriages sex is a problem and it is for that reason a sequel will follow.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
I have written little about sex in the postings of Silver bullets, its neglect is a glaring omission. Because one cannot turn anywhere in our culture and not be confronted with sexual themes, it is important to have a Christian perspective on sex and sex in marriage. As well, the competition between sexual issues and money issues as a cause of divorce is nearly equal, so for this reason it is important that I write something about sex in marriage. Much has been written in other venues about sex, perhaps I have nothing to add that is new, but in any case, a Christian perspective provides an important balance to the ubiquitous worldly perspective.
God made men and women sexual beings, telling them to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth (Genesis 1:28). It was after that that God pronounced his creation as being very good. Sex was truly good before the fall of mankind into sin. The way some think about sex is that it only became fun after the "fall," but in truth, it was before the "fall" that it was very good and really fun. My personal opinion is that like Adam and Eve knew that they were naked and so tried to cover themselves after their fall into sin, so sex itself fell into shame and has been a cause of power plays, abuse, and controversy ever after. But God intended that sex be a blessing, not a curse, something by which bonding and mutual strengthening would occur.
According to the Bible, sex is a good thing in the context of marriage. It was in that context that sex is introduced and it is in that context that sex is healthy and good. Sex is like fire. When fire is in the fireplace fire is good, bringing warmth and comfort to all in the house. If the fire gets out of the fireplace it burns the house down. So it is with sex. As long as it is kept in the context of marriage, husband and wife are warmed, comforted and strengthened by it--indirectly, even the children are blessed because the bond of dad and mom is strong. For those who think that the best sex is outside of marriage, there is no research that I know about that indicates that it is. The history of sex out of marriage is one of illness, poverty, alienation. The research shows that married couples have the most sex and the best sex. However, in more than a third of marriages sex is a problem and it is for that reason a sequel will follow.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
ON WINGS LIKE EAGLES
But they who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31).
President's Day weekend, Helen and I flew to California to help celebrate daughter Rebecca's, son-in-law Kirk's and grandson Parker's February birthdays. Even though the California weather was on the gloomy side, we had a great time together! Flying is not one of my favorite things to do, but if we allow our fears and dislikes to dictate our lives we will never eat of the best fruit!
One of my dealing-with-anxiety strategies is to say the 23rd Psalm as the big jet engines begin to roar and the plane begins it ascent into the heavens. Knowing the one who cares for me and provides for me is very reassuring. Actually, the flying part of the trip was without a problem this year as compared with other years when we flew another airline--I do think that some are better than others! But, the driving part of the trip did have its perils. Helen and I had to be on the road at 2 in the morning to be ready for a 6:40 departure in Omaha. It was a foggy morning and I was driving a little faster than I should have been driving given the conditions. Suddenly a small herd of deer appeared on the road. I'm still not sure how we made it through them without damage, but we did, passing between the 2nd and 3rd ones with only a hard brush.
The other driving incident was in Stockton, CA when our son-in-law, absorbed in conversation, ran a red light. Wow! In California traffic, to not have a bad collision was something almost miraculous! Before I begin a trip, I always ask the Lord for traveling mercies and I am certainly glad I did on this trip!
Helen and I are glad to be at home, back in our routines, but we are certainly thankful for the wonderful weekend with which our Heavenly Father blessed us!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
President's Day weekend, Helen and I flew to California to help celebrate daughter Rebecca's, son-in-law Kirk's and grandson Parker's February birthdays. Even though the California weather was on the gloomy side, we had a great time together! Flying is not one of my favorite things to do, but if we allow our fears and dislikes to dictate our lives we will never eat of the best fruit!
One of my dealing-with-anxiety strategies is to say the 23rd Psalm as the big jet engines begin to roar and the plane begins it ascent into the heavens. Knowing the one who cares for me and provides for me is very reassuring. Actually, the flying part of the trip was without a problem this year as compared with other years when we flew another airline--I do think that some are better than others! But, the driving part of the trip did have its perils. Helen and I had to be on the road at 2 in the morning to be ready for a 6:40 departure in Omaha. It was a foggy morning and I was driving a little faster than I should have been driving given the conditions. Suddenly a small herd of deer appeared on the road. I'm still not sure how we made it through them without damage, but we did, passing between the 2nd and 3rd ones with only a hard brush.
The other driving incident was in Stockton, CA when our son-in-law, absorbed in conversation, ran a red light. Wow! In California traffic, to not have a bad collision was something almost miraculous! Before I begin a trip, I always ask the Lord for traveling mercies and I am certainly glad I did on this trip!
Helen and I are glad to be at home, back in our routines, but we are certainly thankful for the wonderful weekend with which our Heavenly Father blessed us!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
AN UNEXPECTED BLESSING
The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity, he enters into peace; they rest in their beds who walk in their uprightness (Isaiah 57:1-2).
The building where my counseling office is located has been sold so I have to move my office. I have to be moved by March 1st. As a result I have been weeding through old files and books and am confronted by the age-old dilemma, "What should I keep and what should I throw away?" I found a devotional book by Max Lucado that a friend had given to me when I graduated from seminary. The book fell open to a devotional on Isaiah 57:1-2 from the Living Bible. The Living Bible says it this way: The good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace. This scripture helped me come to terms with my own personal questions and grief.
I've seen it happen several times in the course of my pastoral ministry where a family member will die and the "wheels" seem to come off the family. The family will fall into immorality, alcohol, substance abuse and estrangement, rejecting the very values by which the family apparently lived. It has often been my question to God, "If that person wouldn't have died, his family would still be functional. Why did you let him die?" In many cases, family unity on family values is only apparent. It wouldn't have made any difference if the family member lived or died, eventually the family would have come apart. The death of the righteous one spares him from the heart ache and sorrows of the evil days ahead. It might be that the grave is God's protection from a terrible future.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
The building where my counseling office is located has been sold so I have to move my office. I have to be moved by March 1st. As a result I have been weeding through old files and books and am confronted by the age-old dilemma, "What should I keep and what should I throw away?" I found a devotional book by Max Lucado that a friend had given to me when I graduated from seminary. The book fell open to a devotional on Isaiah 57:1-2 from the Living Bible. The Living Bible says it this way: The good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace. This scripture helped me come to terms with my own personal questions and grief.
I've seen it happen several times in the course of my pastoral ministry where a family member will die and the "wheels" seem to come off the family. The family will fall into immorality, alcohol, substance abuse and estrangement, rejecting the very values by which the family apparently lived. It has often been my question to God, "If that person wouldn't have died, his family would still be functional. Why did you let him die?" In many cases, family unity on family values is only apparent. It wouldn't have made any difference if the family member lived or died, eventually the family would have come apart. The death of the righteous one spares him from the heart ache and sorrows of the evil days ahead. It might be that the grave is God's protection from a terrible future.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Monday, February 14, 2011
A ROMANTIC THOUGHT FROM THE BIBLE
My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi (Song of Solomon 1:14).
I thought that short verse might inspire some one to use the remaining hours of Valentine's Day in a romantic fashion. So get to it, the time is short!!!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
AN ADDENDUM: Seriously, there is nothing more romantic than a husband and wife working together to achieve the same goal and purpose. The reason so many marriages fail is that the couple has differing expectations that are often unspoken, and no unifying purpose as to what they want to accomplish in marriage. Real romance is not feeling in love, but is knowing why you are together and appreciating each other for it. Feeling in love is not enough.
I've been to the Engedi--it is an oasis in the desert. That may be a clue as to the meaning of the verse.
I thought that short verse might inspire some one to use the remaining hours of Valentine's Day in a romantic fashion. So get to it, the time is short!!!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
AN ADDENDUM: Seriously, there is nothing more romantic than a husband and wife working together to achieve the same goal and purpose. The reason so many marriages fail is that the couple has differing expectations that are often unspoken, and no unifying purpose as to what they want to accomplish in marriage. Real romance is not feeling in love, but is knowing why you are together and appreciating each other for it. Feeling in love is not enough.
I've been to the Engedi--it is an oasis in the desert. That may be a clue as to the meaning of the verse.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
YOUR PERSONAL APOCALYPTIC MOMENT
It is appointed for men to die once, and after that comes judgement (Hebrews 9:27).
If you are a prophecy enthusiast you are probably looking for signs of the coming apocalypse. Personally, I believe there are some general signs, but no specific signs indicating the decade, year, month, day or hour. That is why the apocalypse is spoken of by Jesus and the Apostles as coming as a "thief in the night." There are no prophecies yet to be fulfilled, the Lord could return at any moment. Though the Lord Jesus' return could be today or in a hundred years, we forget that our personal apocalypse could be at any moment as well; death could come calling today!
Russell Boatman, in his book What the Bible Says About the End Times, tells a story about a salesman's personal apocalypse. While sleeping a salesman dreamed that he had an encounter with death. The dream was so real that he thought it to be a Divine warning to change his ways. He could not bear the thought of dying so he thought he might outwit death. Instead of changing his ways he thought he would change his work routine. In his dream he had seen the time and place of his death, and so he thought, "If I get another salesman to take this route and I take his there should be no problem." It was not a problem to trade routes with another salesman because more money could be made on his route. As the day ended on the different sales route he decided to quit a little early to avoid the traffic rush and the risk that went with it--he didn't want to push his luck. When he parked his car in the hotel parking garage and stepped out the car door he felt a rush of cold air, just as he had felt in his dream just before an out-of-control car hit him and killed him. Just before the out-of-control vehicle rammed into him he found himself looking into the surprised face of death. "What are you doing here?" Death asked, "I had scheduled an appointment with you in Boston later this afternoon, and was wondering how I was going to keep it."
The whole story was a dream, but it was a dream with an important point--we cannot escape death! No matter how one connives, how good of a diet one has or how much exercise one does, unless the Lord comes first, Death will have his due and you will have your personal apocalyptic moment. Is Jesus Christ your Savior?
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
If you are a prophecy enthusiast you are probably looking for signs of the coming apocalypse. Personally, I believe there are some general signs, but no specific signs indicating the decade, year, month, day or hour. That is why the apocalypse is spoken of by Jesus and the Apostles as coming as a "thief in the night." There are no prophecies yet to be fulfilled, the Lord could return at any moment. Though the Lord Jesus' return could be today or in a hundred years, we forget that our personal apocalypse could be at any moment as well; death could come calling today!
Russell Boatman, in his book What the Bible Says About the End Times, tells a story about a salesman's personal apocalypse. While sleeping a salesman dreamed that he had an encounter with death. The dream was so real that he thought it to be a Divine warning to change his ways. He could not bear the thought of dying so he thought he might outwit death. Instead of changing his ways he thought he would change his work routine. In his dream he had seen the time and place of his death, and so he thought, "If I get another salesman to take this route and I take his there should be no problem." It was not a problem to trade routes with another salesman because more money could be made on his route. As the day ended on the different sales route he decided to quit a little early to avoid the traffic rush and the risk that went with it--he didn't want to push his luck. When he parked his car in the hotel parking garage and stepped out the car door he felt a rush of cold air, just as he had felt in his dream just before an out-of-control car hit him and killed him. Just before the out-of-control vehicle rammed into him he found himself looking into the surprised face of death. "What are you doing here?" Death asked, "I had scheduled an appointment with you in Boston later this afternoon, and was wondering how I was going to keep it."
The whole story was a dream, but it was a dream with an important point--we cannot escape death! No matter how one connives, how good of a diet one has or how much exercise one does, unless the Lord comes first, Death will have his due and you will have your personal apocalyptic moment. Is Jesus Christ your Savior?
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
DEFINING MENTAL ILLNESS
Then the people went out to see what had happened, and they came to Jesus, and found the man from whom the demons had gone, sitting at the feet of Jesus, clothed and in his right mind . . . (Luke 8:35).
In my copy of the American Psychological Association's DSM-IV there is no classification of a mental illness due to demon possession, but that is exactly what afflicted the Gerasene demoniac. He did suffer from mental illness because he was not in his right mind. Jesus healed him by casting out the legion of demons that inhabited this man. This case presented by Dr. Luke is not intended to suggest that every case of mental illness has a demonic cause, but one cannot escape reading the gospels and come to the understanding that whatever the cause of any illness, Jesus has power over it.
NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, defines mental illness this way: Mental illnesses are medical conditions that disrupt a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Just as diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas, mental illnesses are medical conditions that often result in a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life. True mental illness is a result of a bodily dysfunction, and some of those bodily dysfunctions we bring upon ourselves because of the mistaken and sinful choices that we make. For some mental illnesses we bear personal responsibility--addictions come most readily to mind in this regard.
Dr. David Bean, M.D. is a professor of psychiatry in the Sanford School of Medicine at the University of South Dakota. Dr. Bean presented some interesting statistics to our class on Ministering to the Mentally Ill at Sioux Falls Seminary: 1. 45 million Americans, age 12 or older, will experience mental illness over a year's time. 2. Only 38 % of them will receive mental health services. 3. The uunemployed have an elevated risk with 28% of them suffering with mental illness as compared to 17% of the employed. 4. In 2009, 11 million adults experienced mental illness serious enough to interfere with major life activities. 5. 8.4 million adults thought seriously about committing suicide, thinking of plans for it. 6. 26% of those with serious mental illnesses are also substance abusers.
These statistics help me make two points: 1. People can move in and out of mental illness like one catches a cold and gets over it. My mother tells a story about my grandmother. Grandma was having hallucinations of ants crawling up and down her arms. Mom took her to see Dr. Koser, our family doctor, and he said, "She's having a psychosis (this took place back in the 1950's) but she will get over it," and she did, without medication. That doesn't mean that every mentally ill person will get better, however. 2. YOU HAVE IN YOUR CHURCH SOMEONE WHO IS DEALING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS. Do you pray for them? Do you watch for them? Do you make your church a welcoming and safe place for them? Do you understand that just having a healthy relationship with them is one of the best treatments there is? Do you understand that they need to feel loved and respected? Oh, I think these are things we all need aren't they?!?
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
In my copy of the American Psychological Association's DSM-IV there is no classification of a mental illness due to demon possession, but that is exactly what afflicted the Gerasene demoniac. He did suffer from mental illness because he was not in his right mind. Jesus healed him by casting out the legion of demons that inhabited this man. This case presented by Dr. Luke is not intended to suggest that every case of mental illness has a demonic cause, but one cannot escape reading the gospels and come to the understanding that whatever the cause of any illness, Jesus has power over it.
NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, defines mental illness this way: Mental illnesses are medical conditions that disrupt a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Just as diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas, mental illnesses are medical conditions that often result in a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life. True mental illness is a result of a bodily dysfunction, and some of those bodily dysfunctions we bring upon ourselves because of the mistaken and sinful choices that we make. For some mental illnesses we bear personal responsibility--addictions come most readily to mind in this regard.
Dr. David Bean, M.D. is a professor of psychiatry in the Sanford School of Medicine at the University of South Dakota. Dr. Bean presented some interesting statistics to our class on Ministering to the Mentally Ill at Sioux Falls Seminary: 1. 45 million Americans, age 12 or older, will experience mental illness over a year's time. 2. Only 38 % of them will receive mental health services. 3. The uunemployed have an elevated risk with 28% of them suffering with mental illness as compared to 17% of the employed. 4. In 2009, 11 million adults experienced mental illness serious enough to interfere with major life activities. 5. 8.4 million adults thought seriously about committing suicide, thinking of plans for it. 6. 26% of those with serious mental illnesses are also substance abusers.
These statistics help me make two points: 1. People can move in and out of mental illness like one catches a cold and gets over it. My mother tells a story about my grandmother. Grandma was having hallucinations of ants crawling up and down her arms. Mom took her to see Dr. Koser, our family doctor, and he said, "She's having a psychosis (this took place back in the 1950's) but she will get over it," and she did, without medication. That doesn't mean that every mentally ill person will get better, however. 2. YOU HAVE IN YOUR CHURCH SOMEONE WHO IS DEALING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS. Do you pray for them? Do you watch for them? Do you make your church a welcoming and safe place for them? Do you understand that just having a healthy relationship with them is one of the best treatments there is? Do you understand that they need to feel loved and respected? Oh, I think these are things we all need aren't they?!?
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
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