COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone (Colossians 4:6).

Communication is essential to relationship.  The success or failure of a relationship can be predicted by the communication patterns in that relationship.  Some marriage communication experts have said that they can predict with as high as 96% accuracy whether or not a marriage will succeed based on the communication patterns in the premarital relationship, so you can see how important this subject is.  Communication patterns in the premarital relationship are not likely to change very much for the better in the marital relationship.  

First, I will discuss some negative communication patterns, and then, in a sequel, write about positive communication.  The following are communication patterns that are extremely destructive to a marriage:

1) Withdrawal.  It is impossible not to communicate in a relationship.  When one of the partners withdraws, the other partner is left guessing what this withdrawal means, but it does mean something.  Withdrawal can take the form of working long hours, being over involved in hobbies or other activities, giving the spouse the silent treatment.  Withdrawal can be extremely frightening to the other spouse because he/she is left guessing what it means.  So, withdrawal is a kind of spousal abuse.

2) Escalation.  Escalation is increases the conflict.  Raising the voice, slamming the door or throwing objects are intended to intimidate the spouse, or putting the most positive spin on it, get the spouses attention, but yelling, screaming and throwing objects will never strengthen a relationship.  Escalation will destroy a relationship!

3) Invalidation.  Invalidation is name calling, putting down spouse in front of others, ignoring the spouse for a time, rolling eyeballs and heavy breathing when spouse asks to do something apparently stupid.  Constant criticism is another hall-mark of invalidation.

4) Negative interpretation.  Negative interpretation is when a spouses positives are interpreted negatively, for example, if a husband brings his wife flowers and the wife says, "Oh, you just want to have sex tonight."  This might be the most dangerous pattern because the spouse has judged the motives of his/her partner and found it wanting--it reveals the value placed on the relationship.

I share this with you so that you can become more aware of how you communicate.  It isn't just profanity that is unholy communication, but each one of these communication patterns as well.

Our Father's Blessings,
Tom