COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE (PART 2) Direct Communication

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in his right hand (Proverbs 27:15-16).

With 700 wives and 300 concubines, many men might look with envy on Solomon, but Solomon knew very well what he was saying from experience.  I'm sure that there were more than 2 or 3 of his women who fit that description.  This is quite a contrast to the ideal wife of whom he would write about in Proverbs 31.  I should add that there are many men who are just as contentious and would fit Solomon's description just as well.

Helen and I had the privilege of serving on a marriage panel at a Christian conference workshop.  I spoke briefly of the value of direct communication in marriage while Helen spoke negatively, and by her facial expressions, expressed strong disagreement with what I had said.  So, you could rightly say, "Physician, heal yourself."  Helen's real problem is understanding what direct communication looks like, so that is where I will begin.

Direct communication is not saying directly whatever one feels like saying.  For people who tend to be driven by their emotions, that is how they see direct communication, saying what they feel at the time.  They will insist that it is not honest communication if one cannot say what he/she feels.  However, emotionally driven communication is almost always negative in its effect.

Direct communication is not emotionless, but its purpose is to convey information.  Air-traffic controllers, hospitals, police departments are examples of where direct communication has to be used--marriages are no less important.  Direct communication has no implied meanings or mixed messages.  Direct communication is not sarcastic or defensive, it does not have a tone of voice or a facial expression that says one thing but means another.  In other words, there is congruence in direct communication. Direct communication fosters intimacy because one knows that their thoughts will be handled with respect by the other who is listening, and vice versa.  Intimacy is very difficult when communication is emotionally driven.

Marriages require intimacy and communication is the road to intimacy.  When a spouse feels safe sharing his/her innermost thoughts with someone other than the marital partner then there will be an affair.   I tend to be emotionally driven, so I am including myself in this, there will be times of conflict in marriage.  It is easy to let emotions take over the conflict.  Then one of the spouses has to say, "My emotions have taken over, let's not talk about it until we can cool down."  This is direct communication that preserves each other's dignity.

Our Father's Blessings,
Tom