COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE: (PART 3): Self Evaluation

Let a man examine himself . . . (I Corinthians 11:28).

Steadfast love and faithfulness will meet; righteousness and peace will kiss each other (Psalms 85:10).

One of the assignments I give to clients who are having marital problems is to take a week and keep track of how many positive communications occur and how many negative communications occur.  My purpose is to help them to become aware of how they communicate.  I have never had a couple actually complete the assignment, but it is one of the most important assignments to be done in marriage counseling.

Self evaluation is not easy because it requires intentional awareness of the give and take of communication, and often we communicate in ways in which we are not aware.  For instance, what does it mean when a spouse walks into the room and his/her partner does not acknowledge his/her presence?  It might mean nothing, but if it is part of a pattern of ignoring, it could be more than discourtesy and be actual passive aggresive behavior.  When I was taking my student practicum in seminary, the counseling sessions were video taped.  Though this was painful for me to watch me, video taping was an excellent way to become aware of the non-verbal communication that was being covered up by the verbal.

There is as much non-verbal communication, if not more, than verbal.  A twinkle or wink of the eye, a touch or a love pat, a little kiss or a smile on the face says to the spouse, "You are important to me"  or "I love you."  However, if one is busy and the husband or wife walks in the room and there is no verbal or non-verbal acknowledgement then what is being communicated is, "My work is more important than you right now."  That is an example of negative communication.

Predicting the success or failure of a marriage is almost as simple as doing the math.  It takes no less than 5 positives to one negative in marital communication or the marriage will become problematic.  Negatives weigh more than positives so it is absolutely necessary to make sure positives far out weigh negatives--it has to be intentional. 

Our communication reflects what we believe about our spouse, and/or others, so perhaps marriage therapy should begin by dealing with those beliefs.  However, one of my rules for marriage and family therapy is that the couple or the family members communicate with respect.  It is not possible to change beliefs if the communication is disrespectful, so the first lesson they learn in therapy is that of respectful communication.

Our Father's Blessings,
Tom