WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO VALERIE?

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."  But if you bite and devour one another take heed that you are not consumed by one another (Galatians 5:14-15).

A couple of days ago I was checking out some of my archived material (perhaps I'm my own biggest fan) when I happened on a "Bullet" that was posted March 24, 2006 called THE VALUE OF MARRIAGE TO KIDS.  A lady named Valerie commented on it and for some unknown reason I did not respond to her.  (It might be good to go to the archive and read it for yourself.)  Here is her comment:

I agree with most of your post, but how long does one stay in marriage being ignored, taken advantage of, and serving as maid and whore?

If people are mature, educated adults, they can make a divorce "work" for kids.  Of course its not the ideal situation; but putting the kids first in marriage AND divorce is imperative. remaining civil with each other after a separation is far better than ignorance and bitterness in a marriage.

Dear Valerie, if you were my client one of my first priorities would be to determine whether or not you and the children are safe in your marriage relationship.  If there is abuse, addictions and on-going affairs then a spouse and children are not safe.  If  basic safety exists then mom and dad need to understand the dangers they are presenting to their children when they divorce.  Though many children are able to deal with the divorce of their parents okay, there are many children who are not and I am not sure any children get through a divorce without being scarred--my own case work bears it out.

The argument that children fare better when mom and dad are happy living separately rather than living together in bitterness sounds logical sounds reasonable, but in fact, it is not.  Because of the loss of income that is a consequence of most divorces and the loss of a place to call their own, children suffer material loss.  Because of the sexualized atmosphere of their parent's new romantic interests, children are predisposed to early sexual behavior and sexual abuse.  Because the new "significant others" have no investment in the lives of the children, physical and verbal abuse is much more likely.  Emotional and psychological  harm result from the grief of the loss of relationships as they were, and the thought, in the children's mind, that they caused the loss.  No matter how much the parent's tell them that they are not the cause, the children still believe it because the parents have lied about other things.  The children believe they are not loved too.

Finally, your response indicates that, though you and your husband might be educated adults, emotionally you are not acting like mature adults.  Your children have the greatest stake in your marriage.  It is time to grow up for the sake of the children.  If, when your youngest child is 18, you still feel as you do towards your husband, then go for a divorce but your children need you and your husband to provide a stable home life for them now.  From the tone of your letter, it sounds like your communication style is that the husband demands and you withdraw.  You are about to extremely withdraw in divorce.  Do not.  Rather, learn to set boundaries and clearly communicate what you expect of him.  If you do that, in 18 years you will probably enjoy being his wife.

Our Father's Blessings,
Tom