Let a man examine himself . . . (I Corinthians 11:28).
Steadfast love and faithfulness will meet; righteousness and peace will kiss each other (Psalms 85:10).
One of the assignments I give to clients who are having marital problems is to take a week and keep track of how many positive communications occur and how many negative communications occur. My purpose is to help them to become aware of how they communicate. I have never had a couple actually complete the assignment, but it is one of the most important assignments to be done in marriage counseling.
Self evaluation is not easy because it requires intentional awareness of the give and take of communication, and often we communicate in ways in which we are not aware. For instance, what does it mean when a spouse walks into the room and his/her partner does not acknowledge his/her presence? It might mean nothing, but if it is part of a pattern of ignoring, it could be more than discourtesy and be actual passive aggresive behavior. When I was taking my student practicum in seminary, the counseling sessions were video taped. Though this was painful for me to watch me, video taping was an excellent way to become aware of the non-verbal communication that was being covered up by the verbal.
There is as much non-verbal communication, if not more, than verbal. A twinkle or wink of the eye, a touch or a love pat, a little kiss or a smile on the face says to the spouse, "You are important to me" or "I love you." However, if one is busy and the husband or wife walks in the room and there is no verbal or non-verbal acknowledgement then what is being communicated is, "My work is more important than you right now." That is an example of negative communication.
Predicting the success or failure of a marriage is almost as simple as doing the math. It takes no less than 5 positives to one negative in marital communication or the marriage will become problematic. Negatives weigh more than positives so it is absolutely necessary to make sure positives far out weigh negatives--it has to be intentional.
Our communication reflects what we believe about our spouse, and/or others, so perhaps marriage therapy should begin by dealing with those beliefs. However, one of my rules for marriage and family therapy is that the couple or the family members communicate with respect. It is not possible to change beliefs if the communication is disrespectful, so the first lesson they learn in therapy is that of respectful communication.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE (PART 2) Direct Communication
A continual dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in his right hand (Proverbs 27:15-16).
With 700 wives and 300 concubines, many men might look with envy on Solomon, but Solomon knew very well what he was saying from experience. I'm sure that there were more than 2 or 3 of his women who fit that description. This is quite a contrast to the ideal wife of whom he would write about in Proverbs 31. I should add that there are many men who are just as contentious and would fit Solomon's description just as well.
Helen and I had the privilege of serving on a marriage panel at a Christian conference workshop. I spoke briefly of the value of direct communication in marriage while Helen spoke negatively, and by her facial expressions, expressed strong disagreement with what I had said. So, you could rightly say, "Physician, heal yourself." Helen's real problem is understanding what direct communication looks like, so that is where I will begin.
Direct communication is not saying directly whatever one feels like saying. For people who tend to be driven by their emotions, that is how they see direct communication, saying what they feel at the time. They will insist that it is not honest communication if one cannot say what he/she feels. However, emotionally driven communication is almost always negative in its effect.
Direct communication is not emotionless, but its purpose is to convey information. Air-traffic controllers, hospitals, police departments are examples of where direct communication has to be used--marriages are no less important. Direct communication has no implied meanings or mixed messages. Direct communication is not sarcastic or defensive, it does not have a tone of voice or a facial expression that says one thing but means another. In other words, there is congruence in direct communication. Direct communication fosters intimacy because one knows that their thoughts will be handled with respect by the other who is listening, and vice versa. Intimacy is very difficult when communication is emotionally driven.
Marriages require intimacy and communication is the road to intimacy. When a spouse feels safe sharing his/her innermost thoughts with someone other than the marital partner then there will be an affair. I tend to be emotionally driven, so I am including myself in this, there will be times of conflict in marriage. It is easy to let emotions take over the conflict. Then one of the spouses has to say, "My emotions have taken over, let's not talk about it until we can cool down." This is direct communication that preserves each other's dignity.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
With 700 wives and 300 concubines, many men might look with envy on Solomon, but Solomon knew very well what he was saying from experience. I'm sure that there were more than 2 or 3 of his women who fit that description. This is quite a contrast to the ideal wife of whom he would write about in Proverbs 31. I should add that there are many men who are just as contentious and would fit Solomon's description just as well.
Helen and I had the privilege of serving on a marriage panel at a Christian conference workshop. I spoke briefly of the value of direct communication in marriage while Helen spoke negatively, and by her facial expressions, expressed strong disagreement with what I had said. So, you could rightly say, "Physician, heal yourself." Helen's real problem is understanding what direct communication looks like, so that is where I will begin.
Direct communication is not saying directly whatever one feels like saying. For people who tend to be driven by their emotions, that is how they see direct communication, saying what they feel at the time. They will insist that it is not honest communication if one cannot say what he/she feels. However, emotionally driven communication is almost always negative in its effect.
Direct communication is not emotionless, but its purpose is to convey information. Air-traffic controllers, hospitals, police departments are examples of where direct communication has to be used--marriages are no less important. Direct communication has no implied meanings or mixed messages. Direct communication is not sarcastic or defensive, it does not have a tone of voice or a facial expression that says one thing but means another. In other words, there is congruence in direct communication. Direct communication fosters intimacy because one knows that their thoughts will be handled with respect by the other who is listening, and vice versa. Intimacy is very difficult when communication is emotionally driven.
Marriages require intimacy and communication is the road to intimacy. When a spouse feels safe sharing his/her innermost thoughts with someone other than the marital partner then there will be an affair. I tend to be emotionally driven, so I am including myself in this, there will be times of conflict in marriage. It is easy to let emotions take over the conflict. Then one of the spouses has to say, "My emotions have taken over, let's not talk about it until we can cool down." This is direct communication that preserves each other's dignity.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone (Colossians 4:6).
Communication is essential to relationship. The success or failure of a relationship can be predicted by the communication patterns in that relationship. Some marriage communication experts have said that they can predict with as high as 96% accuracy whether or not a marriage will succeed based on the communication patterns in the premarital relationship, so you can see how important this subject is. Communication patterns in the premarital relationship are not likely to change very much for the better in the marital relationship.
First, I will discuss some negative communication patterns, and then, in a sequel, write about positive communication. The following are communication patterns that are extremely destructive to a marriage:
1) Withdrawal. It is impossible not to communicate in a relationship. When one of the partners withdraws, the other partner is left guessing what this withdrawal means, but it does mean something. Withdrawal can take the form of working long hours, being over involved in hobbies or other activities, giving the spouse the silent treatment. Withdrawal can be extremely frightening to the other spouse because he/she is left guessing what it means. So, withdrawal is a kind of spousal abuse.
2) Escalation. Escalation is increases the conflict. Raising the voice, slamming the door or throwing objects are intended to intimidate the spouse, or putting the most positive spin on it, get the spouses attention, but yelling, screaming and throwing objects will never strengthen a relationship. Escalation will destroy a relationship!
3) Invalidation. Invalidation is name calling, putting down spouse in front of others, ignoring the spouse for a time, rolling eyeballs and heavy breathing when spouse asks to do something apparently stupid. Constant criticism is another hall-mark of invalidation.
4) Negative interpretation. Negative interpretation is when a spouses positives are interpreted negatively, for example, if a husband brings his wife flowers and the wife says, "Oh, you just want to have sex tonight." This might be the most dangerous pattern because the spouse has judged the motives of his/her partner and found it wanting--it reveals the value placed on the relationship.
I share this with you so that you can become more aware of how you communicate. It isn't just profanity that is unholy communication, but each one of these communication patterns as well.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Communication is essential to relationship. The success or failure of a relationship can be predicted by the communication patterns in that relationship. Some marriage communication experts have said that they can predict with as high as 96% accuracy whether or not a marriage will succeed based on the communication patterns in the premarital relationship, so you can see how important this subject is. Communication patterns in the premarital relationship are not likely to change very much for the better in the marital relationship.
First, I will discuss some negative communication patterns, and then, in a sequel, write about positive communication. The following are communication patterns that are extremely destructive to a marriage:
1) Withdrawal. It is impossible not to communicate in a relationship. When one of the partners withdraws, the other partner is left guessing what this withdrawal means, but it does mean something. Withdrawal can take the form of working long hours, being over involved in hobbies or other activities, giving the spouse the silent treatment. Withdrawal can be extremely frightening to the other spouse because he/she is left guessing what it means. So, withdrawal is a kind of spousal abuse.
2) Escalation. Escalation is increases the conflict. Raising the voice, slamming the door or throwing objects are intended to intimidate the spouse, or putting the most positive spin on it, get the spouses attention, but yelling, screaming and throwing objects will never strengthen a relationship. Escalation will destroy a relationship!
3) Invalidation. Invalidation is name calling, putting down spouse in front of others, ignoring the spouse for a time, rolling eyeballs and heavy breathing when spouse asks to do something apparently stupid. Constant criticism is another hall-mark of invalidation.
4) Negative interpretation. Negative interpretation is when a spouses positives are interpreted negatively, for example, if a husband brings his wife flowers and the wife says, "Oh, you just want to have sex tonight." This might be the most dangerous pattern because the spouse has judged the motives of his/her partner and found it wanting--it reveals the value placed on the relationship.
I share this with you so that you can become more aware of how you communicate. It isn't just profanity that is unholy communication, but each one of these communication patterns as well.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Monday, March 14, 2011
SEX IN MARRIAGE: PORNOGRAPHY
You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I say to you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart ( Matthew 5:27-28).
Many things could be said about this text, but I am using it to emphasize the point that the use of pornography undermines an intimate relationship between husband and wife in marriage.
More so in our time than any other, sexual images are so freely available. Perfect bodies, sexual prowess and free, "no-strings-attached" sexuality, are on display daily on television during family viewing times. Add to this internet pornography and it is a wonder that not everyone has a distorted view of sex. Perhaps what we have is a necessary consequence of free-speech rights, but we do pay a heavy price for it.
The result of all of this is plunging our kids into a world of sexual fantasy that is not real--sex that is wild passion. The worst part of this is, that for many, unless the fantasy becomes reality, then it is boring. In my case work I have encountered several marriages in which the underlying problem was the use of pornography on the part of the husband. Men tend to be more influenced by visual images than women, but addiction to pornography is not limited to men. When pornography is a factor in marital relationships there is an attempt to make fantasy reality. If the wife is not pretty enough to match up with fantasy, then there will be an attempt to find a way to include someone who is, or there could be a fantasy scenario that will be attempted to act out. Fantasizing is an act of self absorption and an attempt to escape reality; it does not lead to greater intimacy, but to greater isolation, emptiness and selfcenteredness.
There are quite a few reasons to restrict sexual behavior in society, but one of them is that restriction enhances sexuality. Too much candy makes a person sick. Too much of a good thing makes it ordinary. In the words of Dr.Val Farmer, a psychologist, Sex "punctuates a relationship instead of being the entire dialogue."
The measure of good sex is this: Does it enhance emotional closeness with one's spouse? Though this sounds like circular reasoning, emotional closeness will enhance good sex. Pornography will undermine both good sex and emotional closeness.
If pornography is a problem with you, find a counselor who can help you with it--you will be blessed!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Many things could be said about this text, but I am using it to emphasize the point that the use of pornography undermines an intimate relationship between husband and wife in marriage.
More so in our time than any other, sexual images are so freely available. Perfect bodies, sexual prowess and free, "no-strings-attached" sexuality, are on display daily on television during family viewing times. Add to this internet pornography and it is a wonder that not everyone has a distorted view of sex. Perhaps what we have is a necessary consequence of free-speech rights, but we do pay a heavy price for it.
The result of all of this is plunging our kids into a world of sexual fantasy that is not real--sex that is wild passion. The worst part of this is, that for many, unless the fantasy becomes reality, then it is boring. In my case work I have encountered several marriages in which the underlying problem was the use of pornography on the part of the husband. Men tend to be more influenced by visual images than women, but addiction to pornography is not limited to men. When pornography is a factor in marital relationships there is an attempt to make fantasy reality. If the wife is not pretty enough to match up with fantasy, then there will be an attempt to find a way to include someone who is, or there could be a fantasy scenario that will be attempted to act out. Fantasizing is an act of self absorption and an attempt to escape reality; it does not lead to greater intimacy, but to greater isolation, emptiness and selfcenteredness.
There are quite a few reasons to restrict sexual behavior in society, but one of them is that restriction enhances sexuality. Too much candy makes a person sick. Too much of a good thing makes it ordinary. In the words of Dr.Val Farmer, a psychologist, Sex "punctuates a relationship instead of being the entire dialogue."
The measure of good sex is this: Does it enhance emotional closeness with one's spouse? Though this sounds like circular reasoning, emotional closeness will enhance good sex. Pornography will undermine both good sex and emotional closeness.
If pornography is a problem with you, find a counselor who can help you with it--you will be blessed!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
SEX IN MARRIAGE: THE IMPORTANCE OF
But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season . . . (I Corinthians 7:2-5a).
Marriage is a complex relationship between a man and a woman. A great sex life, by itself, will not save a relationship, but the lack of an adequate sex life is a symptom of other problems in a marriage. The lack of sex in marriage might simply be a symptom of failing physical health and should be checked out. If one is to obey the Scriptures, there is an obligation to maintain physical health as long as possible in order to meet the sexual needs of the spouse. Married couples who have regular sex have a life expectancy that is 5 to 7 years longer.
The lack of sex in a marriage is a symptom of the lack of intimacy in a marriage. Intimacy is giving yourself away--it is feeling safe enough to become vulnerable and share the most deep feelings of one's heart without having them ridiculed and made fun of. While sex itself is not intimacy, sex makes intimacy more likely and the end of sex is a signal of the end of intimacy.
Low sex and no sex marriages are not as happy. In a New York Times interview with Dr. Denise Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, Dr. Donnelly asserted that according to her research she found that, "People in low sex and sexless marriages are not as happy and are more likely to consider divorce."
The sex-drive of both men and women is a bell-shaped curve; that is a normal distribution. There are some men and women with high sex drives and some with low. Given the laws of attraction it is very likely that a low sex-drive man will be attracted to a high sex-drive woman, and vice versa. One's sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of--God made us this way. Nevertheless, when these kinds of matches are made, how can they be resolved? For the low sex-drive partner sex has to become intentional. One has to intentionally make time for it. One has to intentionally get in the mood for it. The low sex-drive partner will have to intentionally stay in good physical condition, and the man might have to take "Viagra" for it.
One of the purposes of marriage is to help deal with the temptation to sexual immorality. Both the Corinthian culture and our culture is highly sexualized--it is easy to fall into sexual immorality. A healthy marriage is a marriage that has a healthy sex life. How much sex is needed for a healthy sex-life? The amount on which both partners agree.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Addendum: Sex-drive can be conditioned to be either greater or lesser. Sex abuse as a child can condition a child toward a greater or lesser sex drive. Much of sex is in the psychology of a person, that is why this is the case. Pornography can have the same kind of influence. Of course, physical ailments influence sex drive too. If any of these things are influencing your married sex life, it is worth seeking professional help. Your marriage will be blessed because of it.
Marriage is a complex relationship between a man and a woman. A great sex life, by itself, will not save a relationship, but the lack of an adequate sex life is a symptom of other problems in a marriage. The lack of sex in marriage might simply be a symptom of failing physical health and should be checked out. If one is to obey the Scriptures, there is an obligation to maintain physical health as long as possible in order to meet the sexual needs of the spouse. Married couples who have regular sex have a life expectancy that is 5 to 7 years longer.
The lack of sex in a marriage is a symptom of the lack of intimacy in a marriage. Intimacy is giving yourself away--it is feeling safe enough to become vulnerable and share the most deep feelings of one's heart without having them ridiculed and made fun of. While sex itself is not intimacy, sex makes intimacy more likely and the end of sex is a signal of the end of intimacy.
Low sex and no sex marriages are not as happy. In a New York Times interview with Dr. Denise Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, Dr. Donnelly asserted that according to her research she found that, "People in low sex and sexless marriages are not as happy and are more likely to consider divorce."
The sex-drive of both men and women is a bell-shaped curve; that is a normal distribution. There are some men and women with high sex drives and some with low. Given the laws of attraction it is very likely that a low sex-drive man will be attracted to a high sex-drive woman, and vice versa. One's sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of--God made us this way. Nevertheless, when these kinds of matches are made, how can they be resolved? For the low sex-drive partner sex has to become intentional. One has to intentionally make time for it. One has to intentionally get in the mood for it. The low sex-drive partner will have to intentionally stay in good physical condition, and the man might have to take "Viagra" for it.
One of the purposes of marriage is to help deal with the temptation to sexual immorality. Both the Corinthian culture and our culture is highly sexualized--it is easy to fall into sexual immorality. A healthy marriage is a marriage that has a healthy sex life. How much sex is needed for a healthy sex-life? The amount on which both partners agree.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Addendum: Sex-drive can be conditioned to be either greater or lesser. Sex abuse as a child can condition a child toward a greater or lesser sex drive. Much of sex is in the psychology of a person, that is why this is the case. Pornography can have the same kind of influence. Of course, physical ailments influence sex drive too. If any of these things are influencing your married sex life, it is worth seeking professional help. Your marriage will be blessed because of it.
Monday, March 07, 2011
SEX IN MARRIAGE: A DISCLAIMER
Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control (I Corinthians 7:5).
In subsequent posts about sex in marriage, the reader might get the idea that this writer thinks that sex is the cure-all for everything that ails a marriage. I do not believe that, but I do know that a sexless marriage is not a healthy marriage--no sex means that there is little real intimacy in a marriage. Nevertheless, it is just common sense that there are times in married life when sex should be abstained from. In times of sickness, surgery, after birth and even for seasons of fasting and prayer it is right to abstain from sexual activity with a spouse. Those times can be very lengthy so self-control becomes a huge issue for the one who has the strongest sex-drive; most of the time it is the male, but in many cases it is the female that has to contend with sexual self-control.
As time goes on and a couple ages, sexual self-control becomes less of an issue because sexual hormone production decreases. Sex doesn't seem to be as urgent as is reflected in these statistics: The average amount of sex by married couples over all is 58 times a year. The average amount of sex by married couples under 30 is 111 times a year. To me it looks like the under 30 crowd is making up for a lot of the over 30 crowd. When George Burns, the comedian, was in his eighties and was commenting about octogenarian sex he said, "The one in the spring is the best one." My goal is to be as good as Moses (Deuteronomy 34:7) though it might be that I'm only as good as George Burns.
In married life there are times from which sex should be abstained. For either spouse not to recognize that is to violate the vow to love and cherish. Though sex is very important to married life, if there is really love and respect for each other, and for God, there will be times of sexual abstinence. I hope you all remember this as you read the sequels of sex in marriage.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
In subsequent posts about sex in marriage, the reader might get the idea that this writer thinks that sex is the cure-all for everything that ails a marriage. I do not believe that, but I do know that a sexless marriage is not a healthy marriage--no sex means that there is little real intimacy in a marriage. Nevertheless, it is just common sense that there are times in married life when sex should be abstained from. In times of sickness, surgery, after birth and even for seasons of fasting and prayer it is right to abstain from sexual activity with a spouse. Those times can be very lengthy so self-control becomes a huge issue for the one who has the strongest sex-drive; most of the time it is the male, but in many cases it is the female that has to contend with sexual self-control.
As time goes on and a couple ages, sexual self-control becomes less of an issue because sexual hormone production decreases. Sex doesn't seem to be as urgent as is reflected in these statistics: The average amount of sex by married couples over all is 58 times a year. The average amount of sex by married couples under 30 is 111 times a year. To me it looks like the under 30 crowd is making up for a lot of the over 30 crowd. When George Burns, the comedian, was in his eighties and was commenting about octogenarian sex he said, "The one in the spring is the best one." My goal is to be as good as Moses (Deuteronomy 34:7) though it might be that I'm only as good as George Burns.
In married life there are times from which sex should be abstained. For either spouse not to recognize that is to violate the vow to love and cherish. Though sex is very important to married life, if there is really love and respect for each other, and for God, there will be times of sexual abstinence. I hope you all remember this as you read the sequels of sex in marriage.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Thursday, March 03, 2011
SEX IN MARRIAGE: Introduction
And God saw everything he had made, and behold, it was very good (Genesis 1:31).
I have written little about sex in the postings of Silver bullets, its neglect is a glaring omission. Because one cannot turn anywhere in our culture and not be confronted with sexual themes, it is important to have a Christian perspective on sex and sex in marriage. As well, the competition between sexual issues and money issues as a cause of divorce is nearly equal, so for this reason it is important that I write something about sex in marriage. Much has been written in other venues about sex, perhaps I have nothing to add that is new, but in any case, a Christian perspective provides an important balance to the ubiquitous worldly perspective.
God made men and women sexual beings, telling them to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth (Genesis 1:28). It was after that that God pronounced his creation as being very good. Sex was truly good before the fall of mankind into sin. The way some think about sex is that it only became fun after the "fall," but in truth, it was before the "fall" that it was very good and really fun. My personal opinion is that like Adam and Eve knew that they were naked and so tried to cover themselves after their fall into sin, so sex itself fell into shame and has been a cause of power plays, abuse, and controversy ever after. But God intended that sex be a blessing, not a curse, something by which bonding and mutual strengthening would occur.
According to the Bible, sex is a good thing in the context of marriage. It was in that context that sex is introduced and it is in that context that sex is healthy and good. Sex is like fire. When fire is in the fireplace fire is good, bringing warmth and comfort to all in the house. If the fire gets out of the fireplace it burns the house down. So it is with sex. As long as it is kept in the context of marriage, husband and wife are warmed, comforted and strengthened by it--indirectly, even the children are blessed because the bond of dad and mom is strong. For those who think that the best sex is outside of marriage, there is no research that I know about that indicates that it is. The history of sex out of marriage is one of illness, poverty, alienation. The research shows that married couples have the most sex and the best sex. However, in more than a third of marriages sex is a problem and it is for that reason a sequel will follow.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
I have written little about sex in the postings of Silver bullets, its neglect is a glaring omission. Because one cannot turn anywhere in our culture and not be confronted with sexual themes, it is important to have a Christian perspective on sex and sex in marriage. As well, the competition between sexual issues and money issues as a cause of divorce is nearly equal, so for this reason it is important that I write something about sex in marriage. Much has been written in other venues about sex, perhaps I have nothing to add that is new, but in any case, a Christian perspective provides an important balance to the ubiquitous worldly perspective.
God made men and women sexual beings, telling them to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth (Genesis 1:28). It was after that that God pronounced his creation as being very good. Sex was truly good before the fall of mankind into sin. The way some think about sex is that it only became fun after the "fall," but in truth, it was before the "fall" that it was very good and really fun. My personal opinion is that like Adam and Eve knew that they were naked and so tried to cover themselves after their fall into sin, so sex itself fell into shame and has been a cause of power plays, abuse, and controversy ever after. But God intended that sex be a blessing, not a curse, something by which bonding and mutual strengthening would occur.
According to the Bible, sex is a good thing in the context of marriage. It was in that context that sex is introduced and it is in that context that sex is healthy and good. Sex is like fire. When fire is in the fireplace fire is good, bringing warmth and comfort to all in the house. If the fire gets out of the fireplace it burns the house down. So it is with sex. As long as it is kept in the context of marriage, husband and wife are warmed, comforted and strengthened by it--indirectly, even the children are blessed because the bond of dad and mom is strong. For those who think that the best sex is outside of marriage, there is no research that I know about that indicates that it is. The history of sex out of marriage is one of illness, poverty, alienation. The research shows that married couples have the most sex and the best sex. However, in more than a third of marriages sex is a problem and it is for that reason a sequel will follow.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
ON WINGS LIKE EAGLES
But they who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31).
President's Day weekend, Helen and I flew to California to help celebrate daughter Rebecca's, son-in-law Kirk's and grandson Parker's February birthdays. Even though the California weather was on the gloomy side, we had a great time together! Flying is not one of my favorite things to do, but if we allow our fears and dislikes to dictate our lives we will never eat of the best fruit!
One of my dealing-with-anxiety strategies is to say the 23rd Psalm as the big jet engines begin to roar and the plane begins it ascent into the heavens. Knowing the one who cares for me and provides for me is very reassuring. Actually, the flying part of the trip was without a problem this year as compared with other years when we flew another airline--I do think that some are better than others! But, the driving part of the trip did have its perils. Helen and I had to be on the road at 2 in the morning to be ready for a 6:40 departure in Omaha. It was a foggy morning and I was driving a little faster than I should have been driving given the conditions. Suddenly a small herd of deer appeared on the road. I'm still not sure how we made it through them without damage, but we did, passing between the 2nd and 3rd ones with only a hard brush.
The other driving incident was in Stockton, CA when our son-in-law, absorbed in conversation, ran a red light. Wow! In California traffic, to not have a bad collision was something almost miraculous! Before I begin a trip, I always ask the Lord for traveling mercies and I am certainly glad I did on this trip!
Helen and I are glad to be at home, back in our routines, but we are certainly thankful for the wonderful weekend with which our Heavenly Father blessed us!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
President's Day weekend, Helen and I flew to California to help celebrate daughter Rebecca's, son-in-law Kirk's and grandson Parker's February birthdays. Even though the California weather was on the gloomy side, we had a great time together! Flying is not one of my favorite things to do, but if we allow our fears and dislikes to dictate our lives we will never eat of the best fruit!
One of my dealing-with-anxiety strategies is to say the 23rd Psalm as the big jet engines begin to roar and the plane begins it ascent into the heavens. Knowing the one who cares for me and provides for me is very reassuring. Actually, the flying part of the trip was without a problem this year as compared with other years when we flew another airline--I do think that some are better than others! But, the driving part of the trip did have its perils. Helen and I had to be on the road at 2 in the morning to be ready for a 6:40 departure in Omaha. It was a foggy morning and I was driving a little faster than I should have been driving given the conditions. Suddenly a small herd of deer appeared on the road. I'm still not sure how we made it through them without damage, but we did, passing between the 2nd and 3rd ones with only a hard brush.
The other driving incident was in Stockton, CA when our son-in-law, absorbed in conversation, ran a red light. Wow! In California traffic, to not have a bad collision was something almost miraculous! Before I begin a trip, I always ask the Lord for traveling mercies and I am certainly glad I did on this trip!
Helen and I are glad to be at home, back in our routines, but we are certainly thankful for the wonderful weekend with which our Heavenly Father blessed us!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
AN UNEXPECTED BLESSING
The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity, he enters into peace; they rest in their beds who walk in their uprightness (Isaiah 57:1-2).
The building where my counseling office is located has been sold so I have to move my office. I have to be moved by March 1st. As a result I have been weeding through old files and books and am confronted by the age-old dilemma, "What should I keep and what should I throw away?" I found a devotional book by Max Lucado that a friend had given to me when I graduated from seminary. The book fell open to a devotional on Isaiah 57:1-2 from the Living Bible. The Living Bible says it this way: The good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace. This scripture helped me come to terms with my own personal questions and grief.
I've seen it happen several times in the course of my pastoral ministry where a family member will die and the "wheels" seem to come off the family. The family will fall into immorality, alcohol, substance abuse and estrangement, rejecting the very values by which the family apparently lived. It has often been my question to God, "If that person wouldn't have died, his family would still be functional. Why did you let him die?" In many cases, family unity on family values is only apparent. It wouldn't have made any difference if the family member lived or died, eventually the family would have come apart. The death of the righteous one spares him from the heart ache and sorrows of the evil days ahead. It might be that the grave is God's protection from a terrible future.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
The building where my counseling office is located has been sold so I have to move my office. I have to be moved by March 1st. As a result I have been weeding through old files and books and am confronted by the age-old dilemma, "What should I keep and what should I throw away?" I found a devotional book by Max Lucado that a friend had given to me when I graduated from seminary. The book fell open to a devotional on Isaiah 57:1-2 from the Living Bible. The Living Bible says it this way: The good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace. This scripture helped me come to terms with my own personal questions and grief.
I've seen it happen several times in the course of my pastoral ministry where a family member will die and the "wheels" seem to come off the family. The family will fall into immorality, alcohol, substance abuse and estrangement, rejecting the very values by which the family apparently lived. It has often been my question to God, "If that person wouldn't have died, his family would still be functional. Why did you let him die?" In many cases, family unity on family values is only apparent. It wouldn't have made any difference if the family member lived or died, eventually the family would have come apart. The death of the righteous one spares him from the heart ache and sorrows of the evil days ahead. It might be that the grave is God's protection from a terrible future.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Monday, February 14, 2011
A ROMANTIC THOUGHT FROM THE BIBLE
My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi (Song of Solomon 1:14).
I thought that short verse might inspire some one to use the remaining hours of Valentine's Day in a romantic fashion. So get to it, the time is short!!!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
AN ADDENDUM: Seriously, there is nothing more romantic than a husband and wife working together to achieve the same goal and purpose. The reason so many marriages fail is that the couple has differing expectations that are often unspoken, and no unifying purpose as to what they want to accomplish in marriage. Real romance is not feeling in love, but is knowing why you are together and appreciating each other for it. Feeling in love is not enough.
I've been to the Engedi--it is an oasis in the desert. That may be a clue as to the meaning of the verse.
I thought that short verse might inspire some one to use the remaining hours of Valentine's Day in a romantic fashion. So get to it, the time is short!!!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
AN ADDENDUM: Seriously, there is nothing more romantic than a husband and wife working together to achieve the same goal and purpose. The reason so many marriages fail is that the couple has differing expectations that are often unspoken, and no unifying purpose as to what they want to accomplish in marriage. Real romance is not feeling in love, but is knowing why you are together and appreciating each other for it. Feeling in love is not enough.
I've been to the Engedi--it is an oasis in the desert. That may be a clue as to the meaning of the verse.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
YOUR PERSONAL APOCALYPTIC MOMENT
It is appointed for men to die once, and after that comes judgement (Hebrews 9:27).
If you are a prophecy enthusiast you are probably looking for signs of the coming apocalypse. Personally, I believe there are some general signs, but no specific signs indicating the decade, year, month, day or hour. That is why the apocalypse is spoken of by Jesus and the Apostles as coming as a "thief in the night." There are no prophecies yet to be fulfilled, the Lord could return at any moment. Though the Lord Jesus' return could be today or in a hundred years, we forget that our personal apocalypse could be at any moment as well; death could come calling today!
Russell Boatman, in his book What the Bible Says About the End Times, tells a story about a salesman's personal apocalypse. While sleeping a salesman dreamed that he had an encounter with death. The dream was so real that he thought it to be a Divine warning to change his ways. He could not bear the thought of dying so he thought he might outwit death. Instead of changing his ways he thought he would change his work routine. In his dream he had seen the time and place of his death, and so he thought, "If I get another salesman to take this route and I take his there should be no problem." It was not a problem to trade routes with another salesman because more money could be made on his route. As the day ended on the different sales route he decided to quit a little early to avoid the traffic rush and the risk that went with it--he didn't want to push his luck. When he parked his car in the hotel parking garage and stepped out the car door he felt a rush of cold air, just as he had felt in his dream just before an out-of-control car hit him and killed him. Just before the out-of-control vehicle rammed into him he found himself looking into the surprised face of death. "What are you doing here?" Death asked, "I had scheduled an appointment with you in Boston later this afternoon, and was wondering how I was going to keep it."
The whole story was a dream, but it was a dream with an important point--we cannot escape death! No matter how one connives, how good of a diet one has or how much exercise one does, unless the Lord comes first, Death will have his due and you will have your personal apocalyptic moment. Is Jesus Christ your Savior?
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
If you are a prophecy enthusiast you are probably looking for signs of the coming apocalypse. Personally, I believe there are some general signs, but no specific signs indicating the decade, year, month, day or hour. That is why the apocalypse is spoken of by Jesus and the Apostles as coming as a "thief in the night." There are no prophecies yet to be fulfilled, the Lord could return at any moment. Though the Lord Jesus' return could be today or in a hundred years, we forget that our personal apocalypse could be at any moment as well; death could come calling today!
Russell Boatman, in his book What the Bible Says About the End Times, tells a story about a salesman's personal apocalypse. While sleeping a salesman dreamed that he had an encounter with death. The dream was so real that he thought it to be a Divine warning to change his ways. He could not bear the thought of dying so he thought he might outwit death. Instead of changing his ways he thought he would change his work routine. In his dream he had seen the time and place of his death, and so he thought, "If I get another salesman to take this route and I take his there should be no problem." It was not a problem to trade routes with another salesman because more money could be made on his route. As the day ended on the different sales route he decided to quit a little early to avoid the traffic rush and the risk that went with it--he didn't want to push his luck. When he parked his car in the hotel parking garage and stepped out the car door he felt a rush of cold air, just as he had felt in his dream just before an out-of-control car hit him and killed him. Just before the out-of-control vehicle rammed into him he found himself looking into the surprised face of death. "What are you doing here?" Death asked, "I had scheduled an appointment with you in Boston later this afternoon, and was wondering how I was going to keep it."
The whole story was a dream, but it was a dream with an important point--we cannot escape death! No matter how one connives, how good of a diet one has or how much exercise one does, unless the Lord comes first, Death will have his due and you will have your personal apocalyptic moment. Is Jesus Christ your Savior?
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
DEFINING MENTAL ILLNESS
Then the people went out to see what had happened, and they came to Jesus, and found the man from whom the demons had gone, sitting at the feet of Jesus, clothed and in his right mind . . . (Luke 8:35).
In my copy of the American Psychological Association's DSM-IV there is no classification of a mental illness due to demon possession, but that is exactly what afflicted the Gerasene demoniac. He did suffer from mental illness because he was not in his right mind. Jesus healed him by casting out the legion of demons that inhabited this man. This case presented by Dr. Luke is not intended to suggest that every case of mental illness has a demonic cause, but one cannot escape reading the gospels and come to the understanding that whatever the cause of any illness, Jesus has power over it.
NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, defines mental illness this way: Mental illnesses are medical conditions that disrupt a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Just as diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas, mental illnesses are medical conditions that often result in a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life. True mental illness is a result of a bodily dysfunction, and some of those bodily dysfunctions we bring upon ourselves because of the mistaken and sinful choices that we make. For some mental illnesses we bear personal responsibility--addictions come most readily to mind in this regard.
Dr. David Bean, M.D. is a professor of psychiatry in the Sanford School of Medicine at the University of South Dakota. Dr. Bean presented some interesting statistics to our class on Ministering to the Mentally Ill at Sioux Falls Seminary: 1. 45 million Americans, age 12 or older, will experience mental illness over a year's time. 2. Only 38 % of them will receive mental health services. 3. The uunemployed have an elevated risk with 28% of them suffering with mental illness as compared to 17% of the employed. 4. In 2009, 11 million adults experienced mental illness serious enough to interfere with major life activities. 5. 8.4 million adults thought seriously about committing suicide, thinking of plans for it. 6. 26% of those with serious mental illnesses are also substance abusers.
These statistics help me make two points: 1. People can move in and out of mental illness like one catches a cold and gets over it. My mother tells a story about my grandmother. Grandma was having hallucinations of ants crawling up and down her arms. Mom took her to see Dr. Koser, our family doctor, and he said, "She's having a psychosis (this took place back in the 1950's) but she will get over it," and she did, without medication. That doesn't mean that every mentally ill person will get better, however. 2. YOU HAVE IN YOUR CHURCH SOMEONE WHO IS DEALING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS. Do you pray for them? Do you watch for them? Do you make your church a welcoming and safe place for them? Do you understand that just having a healthy relationship with them is one of the best treatments there is? Do you understand that they need to feel loved and respected? Oh, I think these are things we all need aren't they?!?
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
In my copy of the American Psychological Association's DSM-IV there is no classification of a mental illness due to demon possession, but that is exactly what afflicted the Gerasene demoniac. He did suffer from mental illness because he was not in his right mind. Jesus healed him by casting out the legion of demons that inhabited this man. This case presented by Dr. Luke is not intended to suggest that every case of mental illness has a demonic cause, but one cannot escape reading the gospels and come to the understanding that whatever the cause of any illness, Jesus has power over it.
NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, defines mental illness this way: Mental illnesses are medical conditions that disrupt a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Just as diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas, mental illnesses are medical conditions that often result in a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life. True mental illness is a result of a bodily dysfunction, and some of those bodily dysfunctions we bring upon ourselves because of the mistaken and sinful choices that we make. For some mental illnesses we bear personal responsibility--addictions come most readily to mind in this regard.
Dr. David Bean, M.D. is a professor of psychiatry in the Sanford School of Medicine at the University of South Dakota. Dr. Bean presented some interesting statistics to our class on Ministering to the Mentally Ill at Sioux Falls Seminary: 1. 45 million Americans, age 12 or older, will experience mental illness over a year's time. 2. Only 38 % of them will receive mental health services. 3. The uunemployed have an elevated risk with 28% of them suffering with mental illness as compared to 17% of the employed. 4. In 2009, 11 million adults experienced mental illness serious enough to interfere with major life activities. 5. 8.4 million adults thought seriously about committing suicide, thinking of plans for it. 6. 26% of those with serious mental illnesses are also substance abusers.
These statistics help me make two points: 1. People can move in and out of mental illness like one catches a cold and gets over it. My mother tells a story about my grandmother. Grandma was having hallucinations of ants crawling up and down her arms. Mom took her to see Dr. Koser, our family doctor, and he said, "She's having a psychosis (this took place back in the 1950's) but she will get over it," and she did, without medication. That doesn't mean that every mentally ill person will get better, however. 2. YOU HAVE IN YOUR CHURCH SOMEONE WHO IS DEALING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS. Do you pray for them? Do you watch for them? Do you make your church a welcoming and safe place for them? Do you understand that just having a healthy relationship with them is one of the best treatments there is? Do you understand that they need to feel loved and respected? Oh, I think these are things we all need aren't they?!?
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Monday, January 31, 2011
THE PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOL
For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love be servants of one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Galatians 5:13).
Christians are a free people, so free that we are subject to no one, but we are servants so we are subject to every one. Most of that first sentence is attributed to a statement that Martin Luther is alleged to have said. In any case, I believe it to be true. The law of the Spirit is love, the kind of love that seeks the best for everyone, just as we seek it for ourselves. In is in a spirit of love that I write, and in a spirit of love that each one should consider everything they do.
I was motivated to write this because I know that there is a pretty high percentage of Christians who drink and I wonder if they consider what they do in a spirit of love. It was a letter in a recent "Dear Abby" column that moved me to interrupt my series on mental illness to write this. Here is what the letter said: . . . "I am the president of a construction company, and it was standard practice for us to give alcohol at Christmas to a number of our customers. Then one day, I received a call from a tearful woman who asked if we had given alcohol to her husband. When I answered yes, she said that in the future, she would appreciate it if we wouldn't do that anymore. Her husband, an alcoholic, had consumed the entire bottle, gone home and beaten her up. We discontinued the practice immediately. I would not advise people to gift alcohol unless they know the recipient very well and know it will not cause harm to him or her, or those around them. --SAFER IN TENNESSEE."
How can one ever know that alcohol will not cause harm? Here are a few facts gleaned from a brief Internet search. For the year 2005, alcohol dependence cost the U.S. economy $220 billion. Half of U.S. adults have a relative who is presently or was an alcoholic. There are 14,000,000 alcoholics in the U.S.. More than half a million alcoholics are age 9 to 12. Four in ten of those who begin drinking before age 15 become alcoholics. Thirty seven percent of all traffic fatalities are alcohol related. The last one is really interesting: married drinkers have a 9% chance of becoming alcoholics, living-together drinkers have a 30% chance of becoming alcoholics.
In terms of marriage and family, I'm sure I could have come up with more alcohol related statistics with a more detailed search, but I think there is enough here to make one think about how alcohol use effects those whom we love. People do not drink alcohol because it tastes good, they drink it because it makes them feel good; it is a self medication. Alcohol is a depressant to the central nervous system so it deadens the pain of depression and anxiety. Every person who drinks, drinks for this reason--yes, even social drinkers.
Does this mean that I think every one who drinks alcohol is going to hell? No, but I do believe that if we would fulfill the law of love we must carefully weigh the consequences of its use. God gave the Rechabites (Jeremiah 35:14ff)* a special blessing because they did not use it; evidently, God appreciated their abstinence.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
*Wikipedia has an interesting entry about them.
Christians are a free people, so free that we are subject to no one, but we are servants so we are subject to every one. Most of that first sentence is attributed to a statement that Martin Luther is alleged to have said. In any case, I believe it to be true. The law of the Spirit is love, the kind of love that seeks the best for everyone, just as we seek it for ourselves. In is in a spirit of love that I write, and in a spirit of love that each one should consider everything they do.
I was motivated to write this because I know that there is a pretty high percentage of Christians who drink and I wonder if they consider what they do in a spirit of love. It was a letter in a recent "Dear Abby" column that moved me to interrupt my series on mental illness to write this. Here is what the letter said: . . . "I am the president of a construction company, and it was standard practice for us to give alcohol at Christmas to a number of our customers. Then one day, I received a call from a tearful woman who asked if we had given alcohol to her husband. When I answered yes, she said that in the future, she would appreciate it if we wouldn't do that anymore. Her husband, an alcoholic, had consumed the entire bottle, gone home and beaten her up. We discontinued the practice immediately. I would not advise people to gift alcohol unless they know the recipient very well and know it will not cause harm to him or her, or those around them. --SAFER IN TENNESSEE."
How can one ever know that alcohol will not cause harm? Here are a few facts gleaned from a brief Internet search. For the year 2005, alcohol dependence cost the U.S. economy $220 billion. Half of U.S. adults have a relative who is presently or was an alcoholic. There are 14,000,000 alcoholics in the U.S.. More than half a million alcoholics are age 9 to 12. Four in ten of those who begin drinking before age 15 become alcoholics. Thirty seven percent of all traffic fatalities are alcohol related. The last one is really interesting: married drinkers have a 9% chance of becoming alcoholics, living-together drinkers have a 30% chance of becoming alcoholics.
In terms of marriage and family, I'm sure I could have come up with more alcohol related statistics with a more detailed search, but I think there is enough here to make one think about how alcohol use effects those whom we love. People do not drink alcohol because it tastes good, they drink it because it makes them feel good; it is a self medication. Alcohol is a depressant to the central nervous system so it deadens the pain of depression and anxiety. Every person who drinks, drinks for this reason--yes, even social drinkers.
Does this mean that I think every one who drinks alcohol is going to hell? No, but I do believe that if we would fulfill the law of love we must carefully weigh the consequences of its use. God gave the Rechabites (Jeremiah 35:14ff)* a special blessing because they did not use it; evidently, God appreciated their abstinence.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
*Wikipedia has an interesting entry about them.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
MY SHORT THEOLOGY OF MENTAL ILLNESS
May the God of peace himself sanctify you wholly; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ (I Thessalonians 5:23).
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27).
then the Lord formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (soul) (Genesis 2:7 RSV).
If scientists are given only the raw chemistry of life, they cannot create life in a test tube. For scientists to "create" life there has to be material included that has life force in it, and that comes from God. Anything living, plant or animal, has life force in it and only God can provide that. But, of all living things, it is only said of human beings that they are created in the image of God; God has breathed spirit into every human being that is like himself.
Scientists have tirelessly researched the genome of the human body and have a pretty good understanding of the genetics that make it "tick." While there is a lot of genetic variability among human beings so that no two of us are exactly alike, we are more alike than we are different so that basic genetic principals apply to us all. When the God-created-in-his-own-image human spirit enters the body, the unification of body and spirit makes a soul. The human spirit impacts the body and the body impacts the spirit in such a way that both spirit and body will never be the same again--even after the body dies, the impact of the body on the spirit will always remain. The spirit of a dead person will remain a soul. Even though in our residence in Heaven we will have perfect bodies, living in the earthly body will have had a role in shaping our character. Through the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives and in our environment we are shaped little by little into the likeness of our Lord Jesus Christ (II Corinthians 3:18). Think of the sweet character of a downs syndrome person or one who has battled schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, or any other physical problem, God has worked in their lives, because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, shaping their character into the likeness of Christ.
In its self, the flesh is not evil. The flesh serves as a house for the human spirit (II Corinthians 5:1-5). The problem with the flesh is that it is very demanding so that it tends to want to dominate our lives! The flesh has needs; it tires easily, needs to be fed, it ages. Not only that, it has its desires too, so the flesh is very demanding, wanting its needs and desires met NOW! One very important principal that every child of God has to understand is that this body that we live in is to be our servant, not our master. We make our decisions by faith in God, not by the demands of the flesh. To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace, says Romans 8:6. It is sin to allow the flesh to be the primary dynamic of decision making.
So what does this have to do with mental illness? There are times when our brains and glands fail. The body does not respond to the directives of the will of the spirit. Is the spirit accountable for something it can do nothing about? Only to the degree that there can be some control. As I wrote in Mental Illness and Personal Responsibility, there are those who are mentally ill who take personal responsibility for their behavior and perform very well. To have no expectations of responsibility for the mentally ill diminishes their person hood, and diminishes the possibility that they can ever function responsibly.
Mental illness is not a picnic for anyone--for the patient, his family and others to whom he is connected. Mental illness is a result of the body not working properly. Because the brain is so closely connected to the will, the will being the product of the human spirit's activity*, there is a stigma of the demonic or activity of the evil one attached to it. Also, because it is beyond our control, and not understood, it is stigmatized and shunned. The person afflicted with mental illness is still a person created in the image of God whom God loves. God alone can accurately judge the degree of responsibility of each mentally ill person, but it would be wrong for those who are treating the mentally ill not to have some expectations of responsible behavior because the ill will not progress without them!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
* A neurosurgeon can strategically place electrodes on a patients brain and move the patients arms, but the patients will is absent--something is being done to the patient, not something done by him.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27).
then the Lord formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (soul) (Genesis 2:7 RSV).
If scientists are given only the raw chemistry of life, they cannot create life in a test tube. For scientists to "create" life there has to be material included that has life force in it, and that comes from God. Anything living, plant or animal, has life force in it and only God can provide that. But, of all living things, it is only said of human beings that they are created in the image of God; God has breathed spirit into every human being that is like himself.
Scientists have tirelessly researched the genome of the human body and have a pretty good understanding of the genetics that make it "tick." While there is a lot of genetic variability among human beings so that no two of us are exactly alike, we are more alike than we are different so that basic genetic principals apply to us all. When the God-created-in-his-own-image human spirit enters the body, the unification of body and spirit makes a soul. The human spirit impacts the body and the body impacts the spirit in such a way that both spirit and body will never be the same again--even after the body dies, the impact of the body on the spirit will always remain. The spirit of a dead person will remain a soul. Even though in our residence in Heaven we will have perfect bodies, living in the earthly body will have had a role in shaping our character. Through the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives and in our environment we are shaped little by little into the likeness of our Lord Jesus Christ (II Corinthians 3:18). Think of the sweet character of a downs syndrome person or one who has battled schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, or any other physical problem, God has worked in their lives, because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, shaping their character into the likeness of Christ.
In its self, the flesh is not evil. The flesh serves as a house for the human spirit (II Corinthians 5:1-5). The problem with the flesh is that it is very demanding so that it tends to want to dominate our lives! The flesh has needs; it tires easily, needs to be fed, it ages. Not only that, it has its desires too, so the flesh is very demanding, wanting its needs and desires met NOW! One very important principal that every child of God has to understand is that this body that we live in is to be our servant, not our master. We make our decisions by faith in God, not by the demands of the flesh. To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace, says Romans 8:6. It is sin to allow the flesh to be the primary dynamic of decision making.
So what does this have to do with mental illness? There are times when our brains and glands fail. The body does not respond to the directives of the will of the spirit. Is the spirit accountable for something it can do nothing about? Only to the degree that there can be some control. As I wrote in Mental Illness and Personal Responsibility, there are those who are mentally ill who take personal responsibility for their behavior and perform very well. To have no expectations of responsibility for the mentally ill diminishes their person hood, and diminishes the possibility that they can ever function responsibly.
Mental illness is not a picnic for anyone--for the patient, his family and others to whom he is connected. Mental illness is a result of the body not working properly. Because the brain is so closely connected to the will, the will being the product of the human spirit's activity*, there is a stigma of the demonic or activity of the evil one attached to it. Also, because it is beyond our control, and not understood, it is stigmatized and shunned. The person afflicted with mental illness is still a person created in the image of God whom God loves. God alone can accurately judge the degree of responsibility of each mentally ill person, but it would be wrong for those who are treating the mentally ill not to have some expectations of responsible behavior because the ill will not progress without them!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
* A neurosurgeon can strategically place electrodes on a patients brain and move the patients arms, but the patients will is absent--something is being done to the patient, not something done by him.
Friday, January 21, 2011
MENTAL ILLNESS AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
And on the morrow an evil spirit from God rushed upon Saul, and he raved within his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he did day by day. Saul had his spear in his hand; and Saul cast the spear, for he thought, "I will pin David to the wall." But David evaded him twice (I Samuel 18:10-11 RSV).
Note: 1. The "evil spirit from God" is an example of a Hebrew verticalism. Since God is all powerful, he could have prevented the "evil spirit" from dynamically influencing Saul, but he chose not to and thus God gets credit for the evil spirit. 2. Was it an evil spirit that assailed Saul or was this just a matter of religious language being used to diagnose king Saul's mental problem? My thinking is to take the Bible at its word, but in either case, personal responsibility is an important factor.
Often we think that those who suffer from illnesses are innocent victims, being unable to bear any responsibility while they are sick. But, anyone who is sick has to bear some responsibility for getting well. It might be nothing more than being quiet so that the body's natural immune system has a chance to defeat the infection. It might be just to follow doctors orders and take the medication as directed. In any case, there is an appropriate level of personal responsibility to which a person can be held accountable. When I was the director of a juvenile residential treatment facility, some of the women workers would insist that there were times when they couldn't help it if they were irritable. I told them that, regardless of how they were feeling, I expected them to act like professionals while they were on duty. It diminishes person hood to not hold others accountable for their performance--even one's self.
I've said all this to lead into a quote by a member of a panel that presented to my mental health ministry class. This lady was afflicted with a true mental illness, bipolar disorder. She was functioning at a very high level, though a psychologist once told her that she wouldn't be able to function at more than a minimal level. She was a woman of achievement, running her own business and being president of a service organization. She was asked, "How do you take care of yourself so that you can function so well?" She responded very emphatically, "Personal responsibility for how I live my life, for my goals and for what I am working on! You have to have them! When I take personal responsibility I find that I need to take less medication." This woman did not see herself as a victim. She understood that she had a disease, but she was not going to allow herself to be defined by it.
I will never forget what she said and I hope you don't either!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Note: 1. The "evil spirit from God" is an example of a Hebrew verticalism. Since God is all powerful, he could have prevented the "evil spirit" from dynamically influencing Saul, but he chose not to and thus God gets credit for the evil spirit. 2. Was it an evil spirit that assailed Saul or was this just a matter of religious language being used to diagnose king Saul's mental problem? My thinking is to take the Bible at its word, but in either case, personal responsibility is an important factor.
Often we think that those who suffer from illnesses are innocent victims, being unable to bear any responsibility while they are sick. But, anyone who is sick has to bear some responsibility for getting well. It might be nothing more than being quiet so that the body's natural immune system has a chance to defeat the infection. It might be just to follow doctors orders and take the medication as directed. In any case, there is an appropriate level of personal responsibility to which a person can be held accountable. When I was the director of a juvenile residential treatment facility, some of the women workers would insist that there were times when they couldn't help it if they were irritable. I told them that, regardless of how they were feeling, I expected them to act like professionals while they were on duty. It diminishes person hood to not hold others accountable for their performance--even one's self.
I've said all this to lead into a quote by a member of a panel that presented to my mental health ministry class. This lady was afflicted with a true mental illness, bipolar disorder. She was functioning at a very high level, though a psychologist once told her that she wouldn't be able to function at more than a minimal level. She was a woman of achievement, running her own business and being president of a service organization. She was asked, "How do you take care of yourself so that you can function so well?" She responded very emphatically, "Personal responsibility for how I live my life, for my goals and for what I am working on! You have to have them! When I take personal responsibility I find that I need to take less medication." This woman did not see herself as a victim. She understood that she had a disease, but she was not going to allow herself to be defined by it.
I will never forget what she said and I hope you don't either!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Saturday, January 15, 2011
THE CHURCH'S MINISTRY TO THE MENTALLY ILL
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:37-39).
Every winter I try to do something to continue my education. Last year I went to fire school to learn how to do prairie burns, next year, the Lord willing, I will either re tour the Holy Land or do the "seven churches in Asia" tour. This year I did a 220 mile round trip commute each day for five days to Sioux Falls Seminary to take a class on the Church's ministry to the mentally ill. I think this is an important subject because a lot of us are not comfortable in dealing with mental illness, yet 25% of us will deal with it in a years time. Some of us will move in and out of it like one deals with the flu, while others mental illness will be life-long. It is important for those who are dealing with mental illness to understand that God doesn't love them less than anyone else!
One of the things it means to live in a fallen world is that human beings have to deal with illness and body parts that get broken and do not work right. The brain is one of those body parts. The brain is one of the organs of the body, a very complex one, but an organ, nevertheless. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are a couple of examples of true mental illness that result from dysfunctional brains. It could be said that we all suffer from mental illness, and quite probably, we do, from time to time. For the Schizophrenic and those bipolar, though they have better days than others, they will always have to deal with their illness. Should they be loved less? No! They certainly are not valued less by God; the population of Heaven will reveal that!
The Church on earth, to be true to the ministry of Christ, has to be a source of hope to the mentally ill!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Every winter I try to do something to continue my education. Last year I went to fire school to learn how to do prairie burns, next year, the Lord willing, I will either re tour the Holy Land or do the "seven churches in Asia" tour. This year I did a 220 mile round trip commute each day for five days to Sioux Falls Seminary to take a class on the Church's ministry to the mentally ill. I think this is an important subject because a lot of us are not comfortable in dealing with mental illness, yet 25% of us will deal with it in a years time. Some of us will move in and out of it like one deals with the flu, while others mental illness will be life-long. It is important for those who are dealing with mental illness to understand that God doesn't love them less than anyone else!
One of the things it means to live in a fallen world is that human beings have to deal with illness and body parts that get broken and do not work right. The brain is one of those body parts. The brain is one of the organs of the body, a very complex one, but an organ, nevertheless. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are a couple of examples of true mental illness that result from dysfunctional brains. It could be said that we all suffer from mental illness, and quite probably, we do, from time to time. For the Schizophrenic and those bipolar, though they have better days than others, they will always have to deal with their illness. Should they be loved less? No! They certainly are not valued less by God; the population of Heaven will reveal that!
The Church on earth, to be true to the ministry of Christ, has to be a source of hope to the mentally ill!
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Sunday, January 09, 2011
A GENOGRAM CAN HELP
. . . for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments (Exodus 20:5-6).
An indispensable piece of my counseling treatment modality is to do a genogram with my client, or in the case of marriage counseling, a genogram with each spouse. Some counselors might spend as much as four hours completing genograms for a married couple. I try not to spend that much time, but the time spent doing a genogram is time well spent for it can make invisible family dynamics visible and be an aid in helping the client understand the dysfunctional dynamics with which he or she is dealing.
A genogram is similar to doing a family tree. It is a family map of at least three generations, outlining births, deaths, miscarriages, abortions, personality types, marriages, divorces, addictions, conflicts, over involements, military service, occupations, education, disease and medical problems, etc. In other words, every aspect of a person's family life for three generations, that can be recalled, is discussed and diagrammed so that inter generational patterns come to light. It might very well be seen that the problems the client is dealing with are problems that are being repeated from previous generations. It is not uncommon for a client to reap the consequences of a grand parent's behavior.
At some point the client, when he or she recognizes the dysfunctional emotional and behavioral patterns of the preceding 2 generations, has to commit to breaking the dysfunctional cycle in the family. It is never easy to do and, I think, can really only be done with God's help because the dysfunction has become second nature, and once one of the family members begins to move toward health, another family member will, almost always, try to sabotage the attempt to become healthy because if one member of the family becomes healthy, every member will have to change.
The best way to bless yourself and your children, and your children's children, is to humble yourself before the Lord Jesus Christ, seeking his pardon and forgiveness, and follow him in the obedience of faith.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
An indispensable piece of my counseling treatment modality is to do a genogram with my client, or in the case of marriage counseling, a genogram with each spouse. Some counselors might spend as much as four hours completing genograms for a married couple. I try not to spend that much time, but the time spent doing a genogram is time well spent for it can make invisible family dynamics visible and be an aid in helping the client understand the dysfunctional dynamics with which he or she is dealing.
A genogram is similar to doing a family tree. It is a family map of at least three generations, outlining births, deaths, miscarriages, abortions, personality types, marriages, divorces, addictions, conflicts, over involements, military service, occupations, education, disease and medical problems, etc. In other words, every aspect of a person's family life for three generations, that can be recalled, is discussed and diagrammed so that inter generational patterns come to light. It might very well be seen that the problems the client is dealing with are problems that are being repeated from previous generations. It is not uncommon for a client to reap the consequences of a grand parent's behavior.
At some point the client, when he or she recognizes the dysfunctional emotional and behavioral patterns of the preceding 2 generations, has to commit to breaking the dysfunctional cycle in the family. It is never easy to do and, I think, can really only be done with God's help because the dysfunction has become second nature, and once one of the family members begins to move toward health, another family member will, almost always, try to sabotage the attempt to become healthy because if one member of the family becomes healthy, every member will have to change.
The best way to bless yourself and your children, and your children's children, is to humble yourself before the Lord Jesus Christ, seeking his pardon and forgiveness, and follow him in the obedience of faith.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Saturday, January 01, 2011
THE GOOD CONFESSION
Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, "Who do men say that the Son of man is?" And they said to him, "Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah and others say Jeremiah or one of the prophets." He said to them, but who do you say that I am?" Simon Peter replied, "You are the Christ, the son of the living God." And Jesus answered him, "Blessed are you Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the powers of death shall not prevail against it" (Matthew 16:13-18).
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?" She said to him, "Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, he who is coming into the world" (John 11:25-27).
With this post I am merely sketching out a sermon, it will be a broad outline for my sermon. If you would like to add to it, dear reader, you are welcome.
Getting the identity of Jesus of Nazareth right is essential to the Christian faith. That is why the traditional prebaptismal confession, "I believe that Jesus is the Christ, the son of the living God" is necessary for a valid baptism. One isn't expected to have a mature faith at baptism, but one is expected to have a sufficient faith at baptism. The truth of this confession is the foundation stone of the faith of God's people.
Though each member of God's family must personally possess this faith, I am not sure that many could defend it, let alone treasure it. God has no grandchildren, only children. Under normal circumstances, no one will make it into God's kingdom on the faith of a relative or loved one. I know a family that is proud of the fact that a couple of its members are ministers of the gospel, but many of the family's members live like the devil; not like people who possess this faith.
One of the things that many orthodox Jews believe about Jesus is that he is a hoax, that he never really existed so their remarks about him and those who believe in Jesus are venomous. Some things never change. When Jesus asked his disciples, "Who do men say that I am?" they did not reply with all the venomous things that men had said about him, but only the more respectable things. Jesus did not intend to be a "respectable" person, he intended to be a polarizing person. Either his is who he says he is, or he is a liar, or something worse. Though the evidence for the historical existence of Jesus is abundant, there are those who fall into the same category as the Holocaust deniers and will never be convinced otherwise--they have a vested interest in keeping things the same.
The "Christ" is a rough Greek equivalent of the Hebrew term, "Messiah." They both mean, "anointed one." High Priests, Kings and Prophets were anointed in the Old Testament. Jesus is the king of God's kingdom (Ephesians 1:20-23). He is the perfect high priest (Hebrews 2:17-18). He is a prophet in the sense that he was one like Moses (Acts 3:22). Jesus was anointed with God's Spirit at his baptism in water (Matthew 3:13-17) similarly to a Christian's baptism.
Jesus is the Son of the living God. Hebrews 1:1-3 gives us a clue as to what that means: In many and various ways God spoke of old to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by a Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things through whom he also he created the world. He reflects the glory of God and bears the very stamp of his nature, upholding the universe by his word of power. There is only one living God--all other gods are dead or bring death! The living God is the only one who can bring life out of death!
We do not know what 2011 will bring, but whatever it brings, the confession is true. It will bring strength in time of hardship and sorrow. As Martha was grieving the loss of her brother, Lazarus, she confessed her faith in Christ. Whatever happens in 2011, always hold fast to the good confession.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?" She said to him, "Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, he who is coming into the world" (John 11:25-27).
With this post I am merely sketching out a sermon, it will be a broad outline for my sermon. If you would like to add to it, dear reader, you are welcome.
Getting the identity of Jesus of Nazareth right is essential to the Christian faith. That is why the traditional prebaptismal confession, "I believe that Jesus is the Christ, the son of the living God" is necessary for a valid baptism. One isn't expected to have a mature faith at baptism, but one is expected to have a sufficient faith at baptism. The truth of this confession is the foundation stone of the faith of God's people.
Though each member of God's family must personally possess this faith, I am not sure that many could defend it, let alone treasure it. God has no grandchildren, only children. Under normal circumstances, no one will make it into God's kingdom on the faith of a relative or loved one. I know a family that is proud of the fact that a couple of its members are ministers of the gospel, but many of the family's members live like the devil; not like people who possess this faith.
One of the things that many orthodox Jews believe about Jesus is that he is a hoax, that he never really existed so their remarks about him and those who believe in Jesus are venomous. Some things never change. When Jesus asked his disciples, "Who do men say that I am?" they did not reply with all the venomous things that men had said about him, but only the more respectable things. Jesus did not intend to be a "respectable" person, he intended to be a polarizing person. Either his is who he says he is, or he is a liar, or something worse. Though the evidence for the historical existence of Jesus is abundant, there are those who fall into the same category as the Holocaust deniers and will never be convinced otherwise--they have a vested interest in keeping things the same.
The "Christ" is a rough Greek equivalent of the Hebrew term, "Messiah." They both mean, "anointed one." High Priests, Kings and Prophets were anointed in the Old Testament. Jesus is the king of God's kingdom (Ephesians 1:20-23). He is the perfect high priest (Hebrews 2:17-18). He is a prophet in the sense that he was one like Moses (Acts 3:22). Jesus was anointed with God's Spirit at his baptism in water (Matthew 3:13-17) similarly to a Christian's baptism.
Jesus is the Son of the living God. Hebrews 1:1-3 gives us a clue as to what that means: In many and various ways God spoke of old to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by a Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things through whom he also he created the world. He reflects the glory of God and bears the very stamp of his nature, upholding the universe by his word of power. There is only one living God--all other gods are dead or bring death! The living God is the only one who can bring life out of death!
We do not know what 2011 will bring, but whatever it brings, the confession is true. It will bring strength in time of hardship and sorrow. As Martha was grieving the loss of her brother, Lazarus, she confessed her faith in Christ. Whatever happens in 2011, always hold fast to the good confession.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Friday, December 31, 2010
THE GOOD WIFE
A good wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels . . . Strength and dignity are her clothing . . . Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised ( Proverbs 31:10, 25 & 30).
It is New Year's Eve. The house is quiet and I have a little time to reflect. Our Iowa children were home for a few days for Christmas. The house was full and we just had a great time being together. I always feel a little empty inside after the celebration is over and everyone goes home--lonely might be a better word than empty to describe my feelings. Still, I have a great wife to keep me company, and I am grateful for that!
To prepare for our Christmas I pretty much cleaned the house, though Helen did a lot of cleaning, her job was stressing her out as she spent a lot of time at work. I scrubbed and waxed the floors by hand. I learned from a woman whom I respect as a cleaner that to clean floors right they must be done by hand. So, I donned a set of knee pads and went to work. Even with the knee pads, my knees hurt as I did the job, and my back hurt too. Though age has something to do with it, even if one is young, cleaning is a taxing job. Then I imagined myself as a young housewife with three children to care for, how hard it must be. Young wives and mothers have to be very disciplined in order to run an orderly household. I think many husbands simply do not appreciated what their women to. Men need to be involved in the cleaning too, so they can appreciate what their wives do.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
It is New Year's Eve. The house is quiet and I have a little time to reflect. Our Iowa children were home for a few days for Christmas. The house was full and we just had a great time being together. I always feel a little empty inside after the celebration is over and everyone goes home--lonely might be a better word than empty to describe my feelings. Still, I have a great wife to keep me company, and I am grateful for that!
To prepare for our Christmas I pretty much cleaned the house, though Helen did a lot of cleaning, her job was stressing her out as she spent a lot of time at work. I scrubbed and waxed the floors by hand. I learned from a woman whom I respect as a cleaner that to clean floors right they must be done by hand. So, I donned a set of knee pads and went to work. Even with the knee pads, my knees hurt as I did the job, and my back hurt too. Though age has something to do with it, even if one is young, cleaning is a taxing job. Then I imagined myself as a young housewife with three children to care for, how hard it must be. Young wives and mothers have to be very disciplined in order to run an orderly household. I think many husbands simply do not appreciated what their women to. Men need to be involved in the cleaning too, so they can appreciate what their wives do.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
JUDGMENT OR NOT?
. . . we make it our aim to pleas him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive good or evil, according to what he has done in the body (II Corinthians 5:9c-10).
This is one of the more sobering scriptures in the Bible because it was written to Christian people. From my theological perspective it does mean that Christians will stand before Christ in judgement, but because we have trusted in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on our behalf, repentance and baptism being our witness, then Jesus counts us as his and does not see our sins. My sins are as great as any man's so the only claim I have on salvation is on the basis of what Jesus has done for me.
One of the great enemies of the gospel is secularism because secularism suggests that when a person dies there is nothing of the person that lives on except for the children he/she has brought into the world and the family teachings and dynamics they live out. They, and those who commit suicide assume that death is the end of it all. Phenomenally, it might seem that they are right because after death the physical body is only so much dead meat, but God says otherwise. Imagine the surprise of those who die without Christ. First they go to sleep. Then, they go through the experience of a dying brain, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, seeing relatives and other loved ones embedded in the memories of their brains. Finally, being escorted by angels to their abode to await final judgment, though this temporary abode is a judgment in its self, being a foretaste of eternity.
The 5th chapter of II Corinthians is one of the great chapters of the Bible, I just finished reading it as a daily Bible reading. It begins with these words of hope with which it is good to close this Bullet: For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands eternal in the heavens. Here indeed we groan, and long to put on our heavenly dwelling, so that by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we sigh with anxiety; not that we be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee (II Corinthians 5:1-5).
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
This is one of the more sobering scriptures in the Bible because it was written to Christian people. From my theological perspective it does mean that Christians will stand before Christ in judgement, but because we have trusted in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on our behalf, repentance and baptism being our witness, then Jesus counts us as his and does not see our sins. My sins are as great as any man's so the only claim I have on salvation is on the basis of what Jesus has done for me.
One of the great enemies of the gospel is secularism because secularism suggests that when a person dies there is nothing of the person that lives on except for the children he/she has brought into the world and the family teachings and dynamics they live out. They, and those who commit suicide assume that death is the end of it all. Phenomenally, it might seem that they are right because after death the physical body is only so much dead meat, but God says otherwise. Imagine the surprise of those who die without Christ. First they go to sleep. Then, they go through the experience of a dying brain, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, seeing relatives and other loved ones embedded in the memories of their brains. Finally, being escorted by angels to their abode to await final judgment, though this temporary abode is a judgment in its self, being a foretaste of eternity.
The 5th chapter of II Corinthians is one of the great chapters of the Bible, I just finished reading it as a daily Bible reading. It begins with these words of hope with which it is good to close this Bullet: For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands eternal in the heavens. Here indeed we groan, and long to put on our heavenly dwelling, so that by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we sigh with anxiety; not that we be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee (II Corinthians 5:1-5).
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
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