MARRIAGE FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN

How many have a stake in the success of a marriage? Today's marriage and family therapists would say, "We are in the business of saving individuals, not marriages." Today the view is that it is only the married individuals that have a stake in a marriage, but most certainly, children have a stake in the success of their parents' marriage, extended families, and because of the social costs, the entire nation has a stake in the success of a marriage.

Because of my Faith and counseling experience, I believe that "marriage for the sake of the children" is a valid concept. There are three caveats to this, easily remembered by the triple A's, Abuse, Addictions and Affairs. If any of the triple A's is present in a marriage, the spouse must protect the children and him/her self. Practice "safety first" in these situations. Each one of these A's is a violation of the marriage vow and thus constitutes adultery. Surprisingly, these situations are not the cause of most divorces. The triple A's only account for about forty per cent of divorces. Where family safety is not an issue, marriage for the sake of the children, is a valid concept.

There is more at stake in a marriage than personal happiness. Increased happiness for the adults has not translated into increased happiness for the children. Statistically, children from divorced families suffer much, much higher rates of abuse. They do not do as well academically and drop out of school at higher rates. The become involved in early sexual activity and resulting pregnancy at higher rates. They tend to be involved with drugs and alcohol higher rates. They are more likely to suffer poverty. Finally, kids from divorced families need psychotherapy at higher rates. Kids who lack an appropriate dad in their lives are more likely to be involved with gangs and violence. Girls have a dad-shaped hole in their soul that they tend to try to fill in relationships with guys.

Statistically, there is a fifty-fifty chance one can beat the odds and things will seem to work out okay for the kids. But after working with forty-something adults who still struggle with their parents' divorce, it is my opinion that no child comes out of a divorce without a few scars that will be a source of pain for years to come.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6).

Grace & Peace;
Tom