But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season . . . (I Corinthians 7:2-5a).
Marriage is a complex relationship between a man and a woman. A great sex life, by itself, will not save a relationship, but the lack of an adequate sex life is a symptom of other problems in a marriage. The lack of sex in marriage might simply be a symptom of failing physical health and should be checked out. If one is to obey the Scriptures, there is an obligation to maintain physical health as long as possible in order to meet the sexual needs of the spouse. Married couples who have regular sex have a life expectancy that is 5 to 7 years longer.
The lack of sex in a marriage is a symptom of the lack of intimacy in a marriage. Intimacy is giving yourself away--it is feeling safe enough to become vulnerable and share the most deep feelings of one's heart without having them ridiculed and made fun of. While sex itself is not intimacy, sex makes intimacy more likely and the end of sex is a signal of the end of intimacy.
Low sex and no sex marriages are not as happy. In a New York Times interview with Dr. Denise Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, Dr. Donnelly asserted that according to her research she found that, "People in low sex and sexless marriages are not as happy and are more likely to consider divorce."
The sex-drive of both men and women is a bell-shaped curve; that is a normal distribution. There are some men and women with high sex drives and some with low. Given the laws of attraction it is very likely that a low sex-drive man will be attracted to a high sex-drive woman, and vice versa. One's sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of--God made us this way. Nevertheless, when these kinds of matches are made, how can they be resolved? For the low sex-drive partner sex has to become intentional. One has to intentionally make time for it. One has to intentionally get in the mood for it. The low sex-drive partner will have to intentionally stay in good physical condition, and the man might have to take "Viagra" for it.
One of the purposes of marriage is to help deal with the temptation to sexual immorality. Both the Corinthian culture and our culture is highly sexualized--it is easy to fall into sexual immorality. A healthy marriage is a marriage that has a healthy sex life. How much sex is needed for a healthy sex-life? The amount on which both partners agree.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Addendum: Sex-drive can be conditioned to be either greater or lesser. Sex abuse as a child can condition a child toward a greater or lesser sex drive. Much of sex is in the psychology of a person, that is why this is the case. Pornography can have the same kind of influence. Of course, physical ailments influence sex drive too. If any of these things are influencing your married sex life, it is worth seeking professional help. Your marriage will be blessed because of it.
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2 comments:
Ya know, Dr. Steele, I don't know as much about sex as you, I suppose. But one thing I have learned over the years of my married life, that my wife is a whole lot more enthused about sex if I help with the house work. So I spent the whole day cleanin house so's maybe tonight will be my lucky night if'n ya know what I mean.
From the sandhills, Husker Red
It's good to hear from you again, HR. You are on to something here. Reserch into the subject finds that men who do help with household chores do have more sex than those who do not. It is understandable. What woman will have the energy for sex if she is stressed out and worn out from her work--whether it is in the home work or out.
However, HR, there is something a little wrong with helping with housework just so you can have more sex. Marriage is about helping to bear each others burdens. It is simple a matter of loving compassion to want to help your "little" lady with the house work.
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