EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND CONFLICT

"It is often said that the 'causes' of marital conflict are disagreements over such things as children, sex, and money. If no issues surfaces in any of these areas, people would probably get along better. However, people do not have trouble getting along because of issues in these areas. These issues tend to bring out the emotional immaturity of people and it is that immaturity, not the issues, that creates the conflict" (Kerr/Bowen, 188).

"And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds . . ." (Hebrews 12:24).

One of the manisfestations of a low level of emotional maturity is chronic conflict. In a marriage like this, each of the spouses believes that it is the other that needs to change to bring about a change in the relationship. In reality, each is contributing equally to the problem. [Stealing from a future "Bullet." one of the qualities that attracts people to each other is a similar level of emotional maturity. Each partner possesses a similar level of emotional maturity to the other.] When one of the spouses is aggressive, most often, the other will be passive-aggressive, but each will contribute equally to the conflict.

In a conflicted marriage, and/or, relationship, there is a keen sense of what "should be" or "ought to be." This creates a sense of entitlement to have more of what we want. It is the insistence that we have more of what we think we are entitled to that ensures that we will get less. Thus, the conflict continues.

The solution, generally, is not to divorce and find someone else. The "someone else" will be a person of similar emotional maturity and the process will start all over. The solution is not easy, but is found in understanding and practicing 4 things:

1. Learning to listen without reacting.

2. Recognizing the effect of your emotional reactivity on yourself and your spouse.

3. Recognizing that you are responsible for much of the conflict.

4. Being content with, and thankful for, what is freely given (Philippians 4:12).
Attempts to coerce a behavior in a relationship may appear to be successful, but feed resentments that will eventually manifest themselves in destructive ways. Teach by example and trust that if a person is sensitive to the Spirit's prompting, they will become the spouse they need to be.

Grace&Peace;
Tom