EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND ATTRACTION

"My beloved is mine and I am his . . . " (Song of Solomon 2:16).

"The lower the level of differentiation (emotional maturity) the more likely it is that the source of peoples' compatibility will become the very sources of their incompatibility" (Kerr/Bowen).

Emotional maturity is not an exact equivalent of undifferentiated ego mass, or differentiation, but it's close enough and easier to understand. One who is emotionally mature is able to function as an autonomous, responsible, thoughtful person. She/he does not make decisions based on what feels right. Her/his functioning is not dependent on, or effected by, praise or criticism. Few people attain that level of emotional maturity (tes).

Like the opposite poles of magnets attract so too do "people opposites" tend to attract. In an earlier post I mentioned that people of similar levels of emotional maturity tended to be attracted to each other and get together. That much is true. The emotional maturity levels may be manifest is opposite ways, but the emotional maturity levels will be similar. For example, a bright, bubbly, spontaneous woman is attracted to a strong, silent-type man. They even see each other as beautiful and handsome because of the similarity of emotional maturity (There are objective measures of beauty, but much of it is subjective; it's in the eye of the beholder). Their oppositeness is a complement to each other. The strong, silent guy needs a little excitement in his life. The bubbly, spontaneous woman needs a dependable, stable guy. After a while, though, being married to a strong, stable guy can seem like prison to a bubbly, spontaneous woman. Likewise, being married to a bubbly spontaneous woman can seem like life is out of control to a strong, silent-type guy. What drew them together pushes them apart!

There should be some complementation in a relationship; wouldn't life be dull if there wasn't!?
But, the greater the complementation is that draws a couple together, the more likely it is that the same oppositeness will push them apart.

Anyone who is contemplating marriage should take time to make a list of positives and negatives about the potential spouse. The list of positives has to be a lot longer than the negatives. If the positive list is the same as, or, shorter than the negative list, don't get married! Negatives weigh more than positives.

Also, if you think you absolutely cannot live without the other, you need to try!! That is a typical symptom of too much oppositeness.

Grace&peace;
Tom