SUBMIT

I have seen it a number of times. A Christian family comes for counseling. A rebellious daughter has run away from home. While I'm learning about the problem the dad asserts that he is the head of the house. I'm beginning to get a clue. Yes, he is the head of the house, but to assert it means that he is so rigid that he isn't listening to his family.

A Christian family comes for counseling. The wife has run-up a huge amount of credit card debt that is unknown to her husband. It has become so large that it is impossible to conceal. He feels betrayed. She feels justified. 'If he would give me more money to spend we wouldn't be having this problem.'

In both cases there is a battle for control. Who is in charge here? In the first case the rebellious daughter is speaking for herself and the rest of the family about dad's rigidity. In the second case, who ever has the money has the control.

This brings me to my text, "Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything" (Ephesians 5:22-23).

The whole idea that the husband should "rule over" his wife (Genesis 3:16) came as part of the curse that God placed on His creation as a result of the fall. Prior to the fall, Adam and Eve did not relate to each other in this way. This is where the battle for control of the family began.

What is Biblical submission? What is the kind of submission that honors God? How does Biblical submission strengthen the family? Hopefully I can answer those questions in up coming posts.

Grace and Peace;
Tom

EXISTENTIAL VACUUM

I love Victor Frankl. His book, "Man's Search for Meaning," is one of the well-worn, many read volumes in my personal library. His "logo therapy" was developed as a result of his personal experience as a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. For a non-Christian, he came close to the Kingdom. Frankl recognized that every person has to find a purpose for their lives or they will experience what he called, "existential vacuum," a feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness. Symptoms of existential vacuum are depression, aggression and addiction. I chuckle at the phrase "existential vacuum." It sounds so sophisticated yet it is just saying in secular terms what Augustine said in theological terms, 'God has made us for Himself. Our souls cannot rest until they rest in Him.'

Grace & Peace;
Tom

Divine Providence?

We are back! Helen and I enjoyed our trip to California. The weather was great, but even better was meeting Parker for the first time. To be with Faith and Deacon was a treat too! If I would have known grand children were so good, we would have had them first!

This trip did not do much to increase my confidence in commercial aviation. We were to leave Omaha at 7:00 A.M. on the 18th. It was 10 below 0. When the heat was turned on the windshield it cracked. 3" thick glass cracked! The flight had to be cancelled. We were 12 more hours getting out of Omaha. We were all thinking that we were very blessed that it happened on the ground rather than in flight. Was it special providence? If the windshield would have cracked like it did in flight you would not be reading this. We would have been a statistic. The crack was more like a shatter as it looked like a spider web across the windshield.

Yes, I think the Lord blessed us with a safe trip, and a wonderful week with our California family!

Grace & Peace;
Tom

I'VE GOT TO BE ME: The more you try the less you are

"What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side effect of self-transcendence" (Victor Frankl). Or as Jesus said, 'He who saves his life will loose it, but whoever looses his life for my sake will find it.'

Helen and I will be in California for a little more than a week getting to know our newest grandson. We will also be enjoying the weather. The Lord Willing, I will be posting again by the 27th.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

REVEALING: What Your Desk Says About You

What does your desk and office space say bout you? In my counseling office I always keep a bowl of Hersey's Kisses on the desk and a pot of coffee brewing in the corner table. It beckons social interaction. It says this is homey and safe. If you have a well-nurtured plant in your office space it says, you have roots and you plan to stay. Surprisingly, family photos might not communicate closeness, but could be only a status symbol. It depends on how the photos are placed. If placed for the predominate view of a visitor, it's a status symbol. Inspirational and motivational plaques say, "This guy is into his job." A neat desk communicates that you are an organized person. It is very difficult for a disorganized person to disguise this. Their desk seems to always betray them. An empty desk is a communicator of a lack of commitment. Make sure you have lots of different kinds of books and magazines in the office. It communicates openness.

So take a look at your desk and office. What does it say about you?

Grace and Peace;
Tom

*These thoughts were inspired by an article in "Psychology Today;" August 2005.

TERMS OF ENTRANCE

The Lord has given me the privilege of announcing the wonderful news that Jesus Christ is the Lord and Savior! For 33 short years Heaven stepped into history; the Word became flesh; God became man. By His life, Jesus lived as an example and demonstrated His identity. In the shedding of His blood and death on a Roman cross Jesus paid the price of pardon and salvation for all. By His resurrection He removed any doubt that all this was true! Jesus left all His disciples a commission to go into all the world and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them into the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all He has commanded. Along with that commission is a wonderful promise that He would be with us always as we carried out that commission (Matthew 28:18-20).

Jesus has not called me to be successful, but He has called me to be faithful. It is not for me to be judgmental of other servants. They, themselves, will have to give an accounting for how they have accomplished the task to the Master. The Lord has commissioned us to announce the Good News. Everyone is invited to the wedding banquet. But to get in you have to put on the wedding garment that is supplied at the door. No other suit is good enough to get in, even if you have some pretty snazzy duds of your own. You can't come to the great wedding banquet on your own terms (Matthew 22:1-14). The one who did accept the invitation, but came on his own terms, was thrown out. The banquet has been bought and paid for. Everyone is graciously invited. Whosoever will may come, but they must put on the wedding garment, the Jesus suit.

Many accept the gracious invitation, but they want entrance their way. One has to have the wedding garment to get in. It's free. It doesn't cost anything, but it has to be put on. You can't just carry it in. So how do you put on the Jesus suit? You believe that Jesus is the Lord and only savior; only He has paid for your sins. You change your priorities. No longer does the flesh and the world come first; Jesus has the first claim on your life. You are baptized into Christ for the remission of sin. He who has been baptized into Christ has put on Christ (Galatians 3:27), Baptism is into the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, that which purchased our pardon, thus it is for the remission of sins. That's how one puts on the Jesus suit. Many will accept the invitation to the Great Banquet. The servant who allows entrance without the Jesus suit--well that's between him and God, for God can allow entrance to anyone He wants. Until God says otherwise, however, I have to be faithful to the commission He has given me.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

FREEDOM

The Sioux City Journal had an article in their religion section from which I would like to share some blurbs and my thoughts. The article is actually a review of a book written by Rodney Stark, sociology professor at Baylor University. The book is, "The Victory of Reason: How Christianity Led to Freedom, Capitalism and Western Success" (Random House). Stark contends that, ". . .The success of the West, including the rise of science, rested entirely on religious foundations, and the people who brought it about were devout Christians . . . real science arose only once: in Europe. Only in Europe did alchemy develop into chemistry and astrology into astronomy, with thinkers moving beyond mere technology into true research. . . Christianity was oriented to the future while the other major religions asserted the superiority of the past." Stark also says, "In most religions the material universe is regarded as eternal, without beginning or purpose and without a creator, and the cosmos is a supreme mystery, inconsistent, unpredictable and arbitrary. . . . The path to wisdom is through meditation and mystical insights that do not produce empirical knowledge."

The differences between the so-called races are negligible! There is no significant difference in the capacity of achievement between the races. There truly is only one race, the human race! Nevertheless, cultural differences are significant. What a person believes has everything to do with his success! Even as family beliefs have a lot to do with how individual family members behave and perform, so ethnic culture is a powerful dynamic in the performance and behavior of its people. Thus, the success of the West was not because Europeans were smarter or superior, it had to do with what it believed. Now that the West has cut itself off from the belief system that made it flower, I wonder what will happen next? As a Christian and an optimist, things will work out according to God's plan, and it's a wonderful plan!

Happy Valentine's Day! Remember, it was Christianity that defined LOVE!

Grace & Peace;
Tom

IT'S A GREAT FUTURE!

Admittedly, there are a lot of challenges ahead of us, but we have a great future! One of the characteristics of the people of God is that they are optimistic! His people never loose! Even when things apparently seem to go wrong, they turn out right (Romans 8:28)! Having said all that, things are going to get really interesting in the future on the farm. Last week I helped my 2 nephews work the cows and calves, they bought from me, through the chute. We vaccinated, deloused, pregnancy checked cows and castrated calves. While we were doing this I told the guys about the following blurb I read in "Feedstuffs" magazine, "Last year, Jason Matheny, a researcher at the University of Maryland announced that meat could be cultured in a lab from cow blood. One of the benefits, as touted by the researcher, is that it does not require the killing of animals. Matheny is one of 11 Ph. D. and/or M.D.s that make up a nonprofit organization called New Harvest. New Harvest is a research organization working to develop new meat substitutes, including cultured meat--meat produced in vitro in a cell culture rather than from an animal. . ." I simply ended by saying, "Cowboys of the future will be wearing lab coats instead of chaps and spurs."

The cowboy running the squeeze gate that guides the cows into the squeeze chute said, "That can never happen!" I happen to believe there will always be a market for real prime rib. Think how unromantic it will be for your meat to come from a lab rather than a feedlot. But changes are a comin'!

In his State of the Union address, Pres. Bush talked about energy coming from switch grass and other cellulose. People outside of agriculture laughed, but anyone who knows anything about cellulose ethanol production was not laughing. There is a huge potential of ethanol production in switch grass. It has more energy than corn, unless you count the cornstalks, which can also be turned into ethanol. With the wind turbines, ethanol production, nuclear power and efficient use of our own fossil fuels, the United States can be energy independent! It is a critical factor in turning off the funding faucet for terrorists.

For me, things are going to get extremely interesting down on the farm!

Praise the Lord!
Tom

SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE

I found this blurb in "Psychology Today" that was interesting to me because both Helen and I have had to deal with Asperger's Syndrome in our work.

"Buried deep inside your skull are special brain cells that read the minds of others and know their intentions. Dubbed mirror neurons, these cells fire in response to the 'reflection' of another person, Whether you lift your coffee cup or watch you coworker lift his, the neurons respond to both actions as if they were the same. Neuroscientists believe these cells are what allow humans . . . to feel empathy and compassion to others.

A new study by researchers at the University of California, San Diego, now links improper function of these tiny cells to a mild form of autism known as Asperger's syndrome. A brain imaging study of 10 autistic boys found their mirror neurons fail to fire in response to the movements of another person.

Autism is a brain disorder characterized by deficits in social interaction and communication skills."

People with A.S. are mostly male. They can be very intelligent and verbal but social interactions are very difficult for them. As a good basketball shooter has "touch" and a poor one just throws the ball at the hoop, when it comes to social interaction, the person with A.S. has no touch. Finding and keeping employment is very difficult for them. What is important for them is to persevere and work at developing people-pleasing traits as much as possible. Over time the coping skills will increase and life becomes a little easier. All the Lord requires from us is to make the most of what we have.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

". . . and to self-control, perseverance. . ." (II Peter 1:6). Peter's stair steps of virtues continues with perseverance. Perseverance is the stick-to-itivness that is required to succeed in the Christian life. It is what one might call "true grit." It is a common trait found in successful people. It's keeping on going when one would like to quit. It's getting one's self out of bed in the morning and facing the day when it would be easier to stay in bed and hide from the world. The Lord promised that he would be with us, and that is one of the promises we can cling to as we get up and face the day, and live up to our responsibilities. What precedes perseverance on the stair steps of virtue? Self-control! It is a requisite for perseverance.

I'll come back to self-control at other times in the future because there is much more to be written. Tomorrow I have a blurb about Asperger's disorder.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

SELF-CONTROL 2

"For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control. . ." (II Peter 1:5). Peter makes a stairstep list of virtues. That means a person needs to have the first one before the second is achieved. Notice that knowledge precedes self-control. Temperance and self-discipline are synonyms of self-control. There are some good strategies out there that are helpful in developing self-control. It's important to at least be aware of them. That's why I recommended the Messina's site yesterday. Check it out if temperance, self-discipline, or self-control is a problem with you.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

SELF CONTROL

I sit here with my eyes watering, my nose running, my head throbbing, and my joints aching from the effects of the common cold so this will be short. Any Christian is aware that one of the characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit is self-control. There are many many Christians who struggle with self-control. They have the idea that this is something the Spirit does with no effort from themselves. It's important to understand that this is something the Spirit does as He works in cooperation with us. With that in mind, I stumble on a web sit called Coping.org by Jim and Connie Messina, PhD's. If you go there, click on the menu Tools for Handling Control Issues.
I do not know if the Messina's are Christians or not, but the materials there are quite good.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

EMOTIONS CONTROL HORMONES

Emotions control your hormones through biochemical changes in the brain. Fear, for instance, is accompanied by the production of one set of brain chemicals that can make you alert and ready to flee, while pleasure triggers the release of other chemicals that soothe and calm. Stress can cause a sustained production of stress hormones, which can then damage the hippocampus, a part of the brain that's crucial to learning and memory. Thus it is important to control our emotions because of their relationship to physical health.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

PASTORAL COUNSELING REFERRAL

There are several reasons why a pastor should refer one of his counselees to a clinical counselor.
1) Dual relationships. A dual relationship is when the counselor has more than on relationship with the counselee. Being a friend, a pastor and a counselor to the counselee qualifies as a dual relationship. In pastoral ministry it is impossible to avoid dual relationships, but one needs to take care to minimize them. Dual relationships are dangerous because they enable the counselor or the counselee to disregard natural boundaries. It is my belief that pastoral counseling be limited to 3 to 4 hours at the most. When a counselee risists this by saying "No one listens like you, pastor" then one knows that the time has really come for referral.

2) Time. With all the hats the pastor wears is there sufficient time. It was for this reason that one prominent pastor I know, with an advanced degree in counseling, said to me that he makes a referral after the first hour of counseling.

3) Counseling ability. Not all pastors have counseling ability nor the desire to counsel. This might seem incongruent with our calling to share the counsel of the Wonderful Counselor, but it is a wise understanding of one's limits.

4) Mental illness. Clinical depression would be the leading cause in a pastor's caseload. Real mental illness needs to be medicated. Real mental illness represents a small part of the counseling load. There is a tendency in the counseling field to extend the mental-illness treatment model to all emotional problems. Thus sin becomes sickness and no one bears personal responsibility for his or her behavior.

What is important for pastors to understand is that their counseling is NOT inferior to a professional counselor. He has knowledge, skills and resources available to him that are foreign to a secular counselor. We understand that the Holy Spirit is already at work in the situation. Prayer, the truth of Scripture and the fellowship of the church are powerful resources.

For a pastor to refer a counselee to another counselor is NOT an implication of incompetence, it is a simple recognition of the limits of time, boundaries and the limits of medical expertise.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

THE PROBLEM WITH LABELS

"The counselee is not the problem, the problem is" (Charles Kollar). Labels are useful as descriptions of symptomology, but labels can also inhibit, if not prohibit, real therapy by making a client resistant to therapy. People often describe themselves by their label: alcoholic; codependent, obsessive compulsive, etc. They live consistently with their labels because their label is their identity.

We tend to look for evidence that confirms the label, and we always find what we are looking for. In grad school* I read of an experiment by a professor of psychology and law at Stanford University. He had eight emotionally healthy people admitted to different psychiatric hospitals. The psychiatrists who were assigned to these "patients" were simply told that they were "hearing voices." Each was diagnosed as schizophrenic. One was also diagnosed as bipolar.

It is important to know that each "patient" acted normally. Yet once they were viewed as mentally ill, their normal behavior was viewed as a pretense--masking abnormality. The patients were hospitalized from 7 to 52 days and administered 2100 pills--none of them the gospill. The professor eventually informed the hospitals of the deception, but said he would do it again. Though he never did repeat it, the professor checked with the hospitals. Of the next 193 admissions they found 41 impostors.

Labels and blaming keep a person focused on the problem rather than the solution. Though labels do serve a useful function, they can also do real harm. Do not use them any more than is necessary and do not accept a label at face value. Our job as pastors is to help each person enter into becoming that "new creation" (II Corinthians 5:17) that God intends rather than being identified by the old one.

Grace & Peace;
Tom

*Charles Kollar writes of this experiment in "Solution Focused Pastoral Counseling," but I read of it in another source as required reading for Assessment, Diagnosis and Treatment.

MY COUNSELING ASSUMPTIONS

COMPLEX PROBLEMS DO NOT NECESSARILY REQUIRE COMPLEX SOLUTIONS.

"He is before all things and in him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). The power of Jesus Christ sustains the universe. If we assume his activity in the life of any person with problems, then we can also assume that he will help us to deal with those problems in ways that we have been blind to before. When a person has a problem he generally makes an assumption that he has that problem all the time. That assumption blinds him to the truth that he doesn't. The truth is that there are moments when nearly everyone has mental health and moments when they feel good. Nearly every marriage has times when things go well. Our responsibility is to look for those moments. Why are they happening? What are the good things you want to continue?

FINDING EXCEPTIONS HELPS CREATE SOLUTIONS

Focusing on these exceptions to the problem helps a person find a new perception, and we all know how important perception is; it is reality. Aren't these exceptions the work of God in the life of the person with a problem? I believe these exceptions give clues as to how to proceed in dealing with a troubled life. Everyone possesses skills and resources of which they are not aware. Finding exceptions and focusing on them, rather than the problem, helps bring those skills a resources to light.

Grace & Peace;

Tom

GRACE EVENTS

One of the things I assume when a client, any client, comes with a problem is that God is at work in his/her life. God has created us. Jesus has died for us all. God loves us. He has not abandoned us, even though it might seem like it at times. The problem itself may be a grace event that prods a person to change and to grow. We think of grace as having to do with atonement, pardon and forgiveness of sin. It does! But grace is also the environment in which we live. It is how God teaches us to change, grow and mature. Thus, our problems could well be grace events, "But he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. . . That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (II Corinthians 12:9-10).

I believe it is more likely that one can successfully come up with a solution if one thinks a little differently about the problem. Perhaps it is God's way of stimulating one to reach out for Him. Perhaps it is His prodding and pruning to stimulate growth and fruit production.

Grace & Peace;
Tom