"It is often said that the 'causes' of marital conflict are disagreements over such things as children, sex, and money. If no issues surfaces in any of these areas, people would probably get along better. However, people do not have trouble getting along because of issues in these areas. These issues tend to bring out the emotional immaturity of people and it is that immaturity, not the issues, that creates the conflict" (Kerr/Bowen, 188).
"And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds . . ." (Hebrews 12:24).
One of the manisfestations of a low level of emotional maturity is chronic conflict. In a marriage like this, each of the spouses believes that it is the other that needs to change to bring about a change in the relationship. In reality, each is contributing equally to the problem. [Stealing from a future "Bullet." one of the qualities that attracts people to each other is a similar level of emotional maturity. Each partner possesses a similar level of emotional maturity to the other.] When one of the spouses is aggressive, most often, the other will be passive-aggressive, but each will contribute equally to the conflict.
In a conflicted marriage, and/or, relationship, there is a keen sense of what "should be" or "ought to be." This creates a sense of entitlement to have more of what we want. It is the insistence that we have more of what we think we are entitled to that ensures that we will get less. Thus, the conflict continues.
The solution, generally, is not to divorce and find someone else. The "someone else" will be a person of similar emotional maturity and the process will start all over. The solution is not easy, but is found in understanding and practicing 4 things:
1. Learning to listen without reacting.
2. Recognizing the effect of your emotional reactivity on yourself and your spouse.
3. Recognizing that you are responsible for much of the conflict.
4. Being content with, and thankful for, what is freely given (Philippians 4:12).
Attempts to coerce a behavior in a relationship may appear to be successful, but feed resentments that will eventually manifest themselves in destructive ways. Teach by example and trust that if a person is sensitive to the Spirit's prompting, they will become the spouse they need to be.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
EMOTIONAL MATURITY
"A child is born with a nervous system that has all the biological wiring in place for anxious responses to parents' and other family members' anxieties. The child's anxious response to parental anxieties soon contributes as much to their anxieties as their anxieties contribute to his anxious responses" (Kerr/Bowen, 116).
"have no anxiety about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6,7).
One evening, during the course of Mom's Birthday Bash--it was of biblical proportions, 3 days long, my wife, children and I were discussing family dynamics. I shared my thoughts with them and thought I would outline them for you other readers too.
One facet of emotional maturity is the ability to regulate the emotions. Every person has a unique level of emotional maturity. Emotion isn't a bad thing; how dull would it be to live in a community of Vulcans like Spock?! However, it wouldn't be a lot of fun living in a community where everyone is dominated by their emotions either; we get enough histrionic displays as it is! I doubt that a community could even exist where everyone is completely emotionally driven. There has to be an appropriate balance between the rational and the emotional for a family, church or community to work functionally together.
Anyone who is observant recognizes that there are different temperaments that characterize each individual. One is born with a temperament; any mother will tell you that. Any mother will also tell you that she knows the differences in the temperaments of her children before they were born. Some children are more emotionally driven, and others more rational. Parental emotions influence the emotional maturity of the children, too, so that emotional maturity is a product of both biology and family emotional dynamics.
Emotional maturity levels are set in early childhood; they are hard to change, but one can learn to function at higher levels of emotional maturity. There are 3 dynamics that help a person raise their emotional maturity level:
1. Education. Knowledge can help a person develop a healthy perspective about life, and open doors to a less stressful life. Education is necessary for relationship skill development. I want to emphasize that intelligence is not much of a factor in emotional maturity. Some very smart people can have some very big personal problems because their emotions bind their intelligence. For all their intelligence, some never seem to learn!
2. Faith in Christ. Faith brings the power of God to bear on our emotions.. We are assured of His love because He created us and Jesus died for us. Even though we have problems, God loves us. His love is unconditional: that sure relieves us of a lot of pressure! I might add that it is through faith that we find wisdom; knowledge is not enough.
3. Fellowship. One can learn to function at a higher level if he hangs around the right people; it really is more caught than taught.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
"have no anxiety about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6,7).
One evening, during the course of Mom's Birthday Bash--it was of biblical proportions, 3 days long, my wife, children and I were discussing family dynamics. I shared my thoughts with them and thought I would outline them for you other readers too.
One facet of emotional maturity is the ability to regulate the emotions. Every person has a unique level of emotional maturity. Emotion isn't a bad thing; how dull would it be to live in a community of Vulcans like Spock?! However, it wouldn't be a lot of fun living in a community where everyone is dominated by their emotions either; we get enough histrionic displays as it is! I doubt that a community could even exist where everyone is completely emotionally driven. There has to be an appropriate balance between the rational and the emotional for a family, church or community to work functionally together.
Anyone who is observant recognizes that there are different temperaments that characterize each individual. One is born with a temperament; any mother will tell you that. Any mother will also tell you that she knows the differences in the temperaments of her children before they were born. Some children are more emotionally driven, and others more rational. Parental emotions influence the emotional maturity of the children, too, so that emotional maturity is a product of both biology and family emotional dynamics.
Emotional maturity levels are set in early childhood; they are hard to change, but one can learn to function at higher levels of emotional maturity. There are 3 dynamics that help a person raise their emotional maturity level:
1. Education. Knowledge can help a person develop a healthy perspective about life, and open doors to a less stressful life. Education is necessary for relationship skill development. I want to emphasize that intelligence is not much of a factor in emotional maturity. Some very smart people can have some very big personal problems because their emotions bind their intelligence. For all their intelligence, some never seem to learn!
2. Faith in Christ. Faith brings the power of God to bear on our emotions.. We are assured of His love because He created us and Jesus died for us. Even though we have problems, God loves us. His love is unconditional: that sure relieves us of a lot of pressure! I might add that it is through faith that we find wisdom; knowledge is not enough.
3. Fellowship. One can learn to function at a higher level if he hangs around the right people; it really is more caught than taught.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
OVEREATERS AND ADDICTS
The following except was lifted from an article by Stephen Arterburn:
The comparison between overeaters and alcoholics and addicts is helpful in understanding the fallacy of expecting a new diet to produce lasting results. The overeater and the addict have quite a bit in common:
1. Both use a substance to alter mood and medicate emotional pain.
2. Both develop a high tolerance, requiring more and more of the substance, in a futile attempt to experience previously attained or imagined levels of temporary comfort and relief.
3. Both eventually experience despair rather than relief or comfort from the substance of choice.
4. Both continue destructive behavior in the midst of adverse consequences.
5. Both experience withdrawal, craving relief throughout attempts to go without the substance of choice.
6. Both will die early if there is not a change in behavior.
7. Both have family members and friends who either perpetuate the problem, enable the problem or sabotage attempts to change.
Contributing author, Janel Puff, said, "The problem is physical, the cause is emotional, but the cure is spiritual." Or, as Jesus put it, "Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30).
Grace&Peace;
Tom
The comparison between overeaters and alcoholics and addicts is helpful in understanding the fallacy of expecting a new diet to produce lasting results. The overeater and the addict have quite a bit in common:
1. Both use a substance to alter mood and medicate emotional pain.
2. Both develop a high tolerance, requiring more and more of the substance, in a futile attempt to experience previously attained or imagined levels of temporary comfort and relief.
3. Both eventually experience despair rather than relief or comfort from the substance of choice.
4. Both continue destructive behavior in the midst of adverse consequences.
5. Both experience withdrawal, craving relief throughout attempts to go without the substance of choice.
6. Both will die early if there is not a change in behavior.
7. Both have family members and friends who either perpetuate the problem, enable the problem or sabotage attempts to change.
Contributing author, Janel Puff, said, "The problem is physical, the cause is emotional, but the cure is spiritual." Or, as Jesus put it, "Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30).
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Monday, June 26, 2006
WHY SCHEDULED EATING IS IMPORTANT
I found this in the Christian Counseling Connection. I believe it holds true whether one has a family with children, is a single without children or an older empty-nest couple. "Are meal times unscheduled with family members coming and going? . . . Is snacking an all-day event? . . . And research shows that having regular family meals does wonders to help a child nutritionally, but is tied to a decrease in teen risk of psychosocial problems, drug use risky sexual behavior, and suicidal intentions." It is more healthy to go to McDonalds for a scheduled meal than grazing on snacks all day around the house. Granted, not everyone has kids. Still one feels better about herself if her eating time is disciplined. God's will is to produce the fruit of self-control in the life of the Christian (Galatians 5:22-23).
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*This last week we Steele children celebrated our mother's 86th birthday. As a result, my children and their children were all here visiting. The house was packed! I couldn't even get to the computer, let alone write a post. Our summer schedule will continue to be busy, so there will be times when posting will be irregular and/or rare.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*This last week we Steele children celebrated our mother's 86th birthday. As a result, my children and their children were all here visiting. The house was packed! I couldn't even get to the computer, let alone write a post. Our summer schedule will continue to be busy, so there will be times when posting will be irregular and/or rare.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
RELIGION PAYS
Economist Jonathan Gruber has found a statistical correlation between attending church and a better economic outcome. Published in a National Bureau of Economic Research paper, he finds a household with double the normal rate of religious attendance has 9.1% more income. That extra religious activity correlates with 16% less than usual welfare participation, 4% lower odds of being divorced and 4.4% higher likelihood of being married.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*This information was taken from "The Foster Report" a column in the Christian Counseling Connection.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*This information was taken from "The Foster Report" a column in the Christian Counseling Connection.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
ADHD AND SLEEP-DISORDERED BREATHING
Although this will be short, I thought it was too good to pass up. Those of you who are parents of young children, or who are teachers and caretakers of young children need to know this. It has been found that kids with ADHD and sleep-disordered breathing can be cured of both with a tonsillectomy. "One year after the surgery, most of the children had improved in measures of attentiveness, hyperactivity and sleepiness. In fact, half of kids who had ADHD before surgery no longer qualified for the diagnosis" (Psychology Today, August 2006).
Does anyone know if there has been any research done on adult sleep and if there is any connection to adult ADD?
Grace and peace;
Tom
Does anyone know if there has been any research done on adult sleep and if there is any connection to adult ADD?
Grace and peace;
Tom
Monday, June 19, 2006
FUTURE CHURCH
Christian researcher, George Barna, has found that contemporary Christians are more interested in being the church than attending church. There is a segment of Americans who are leaving churches precisely because they want more of God. Instead of going to church, they have chosen to be the Church, as it's detailed in the Book of Acts. Today the local church is the primary form of faith experience and expression for about 66% of U.S. adults. Barna projects by 2025 the local church will lose roughly half of its current market share and alternative forms of faith experience and expression will take up the slack. If Barna is right, all of us who are leaders in the church should be concerned!
The Church is God's idea and of His design; He has a mission for it (Ephesians 3:8-10). Church leaders always must be assess the direction of the Church, making sure that it is staying true to the will of God and accomplishing His mission. When that is done the Church has a bright future. When the church begins to push a political agenda its days are numbered.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*My daughter's family just drove in from California for a week's stay with us. The Steele family is having an early celebration of mom's 90th birthday this weekend. Mom is 86. All of the rowdy Steele's will be together so we will have a great time!
The Church is God's idea and of His design; He has a mission for it (Ephesians 3:8-10). Church leaders always must be assess the direction of the Church, making sure that it is staying true to the will of God and accomplishing His mission. When that is done the Church has a bright future. When the church begins to push a political agenda its days are numbered.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*My daughter's family just drove in from California for a week's stay with us. The Steele family is having an early celebration of mom's 90th birthday this weekend. Mom is 86. All of the rowdy Steele's will be together so we will have a great time!
PRAYER AND PAIN
These days it seems as if prayer is getting a lot of attention from researchers. "More than half of those who responded to a Stanford University Medical Center poll say they use prayer to control pain. Of those 90% say it worked well, and 51% say 'very well.' Among a dozen therapies, including bed rest, massage and herbal remedies, only prescription drugs were as successful as prayer in easing pain" (Gary D. Foster, Christian Counseling Connection).
When I shared that bit of information with Helen she said, "I pray and take the aspirin."
I hate to admit this, but I hadn't ever thought of just praying to control pain; I, like Helen, always thought about taking something too. We are an over-medicated culture! What this research means is that prayer is an indispensable part of life to a significant number of people in our culture; that is why researchers are so enchanted by it. It is illustrative of the statement of Jesus, 'Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God' (Matthew 4:4).
Grace&Peace;
Tom
When I shared that bit of information with Helen she said, "I pray and take the aspirin."
I hate to admit this, but I hadn't ever thought of just praying to control pain; I, like Helen, always thought about taking something too. We are an over-medicated culture! What this research means is that prayer is an indispensable part of life to a significant number of people in our culture; that is why researchers are so enchanted by it. It is illustrative of the statement of Jesus, 'Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God' (Matthew 4:4).
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Saturday, June 17, 2006
THE FINANCIAL VALUE OF VIRGINITY
I found this blurb in the "Christian Counseling Connection." "'Men and women who were virgins at age 18, when evaluated approximately 20 years later, had about half the risk of divorce, had completed about an additional year of education and had annual incomes of nearly 20% higher than those who were not virgins at 18. We used 18 as the cut of ace because it gave approximately equal populations of virgins and non-virgins to study,' says Focus on the Family Medical Issues Analyst, Reginald Finger."
It is worth it to be self-disciplined and committed to doing God's will! It is not about just money and education; it is about living a full life.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*I'm back from camp. It was a great week being dorm-dad to 33 5th and 6th grade boys; I relearned a lot! Please bear with me because my posting schedule will remain erratic over the course of most of the summer.
It is worth it to be self-disciplined and committed to doing God's will! It is not about just money and education; it is about living a full life.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*I'm back from camp. It was a great week being dorm-dad to 33 5th and 6th grade boys; I relearned a lot! Please bear with me because my posting schedule will remain erratic over the course of most of the summer.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
JESUS AND WORLD HISTORY
Biblical scholar, historian and author, Philip Schaff (1819-1893), once described the overwhelming and unmatched influence that Jesus has had on world history and culture:
"This Jesus of Nazareth, without money and arms, conquered more millions than Alexander, Caesar, Mohammed, and Napoleon; without science and learning, he shed more light on things human and divine than all philosophers and scholars combined; without the eloquence of schools, he spoke such words of life as were never spoken before or since, and produced effects which lie beyond the reach of orator or poet; without writing a single line, he set more pens in motion, and furnished themes for more sermons, orations, discussions, learned volumes, works of art, and songs of praise than the whole army of great men of ancient and modern times. There never was in this world a life son unpretending, modest and lowly in its outward form and condition, and yet producing such extraordinary effects upon all ages, nations and classes of men."
Yes, Jesus the Christ was such an extra ordinary life, and yet so humble, what a paradox, that all time is dated from the time of his birth. He not only is the divide of history, He is the turning point of life. Your future is decided by the decision you make about Him.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
"This Jesus of Nazareth, without money and arms, conquered more millions than Alexander, Caesar, Mohammed, and Napoleon; without science and learning, he shed more light on things human and divine than all philosophers and scholars combined; without the eloquence of schools, he spoke such words of life as were never spoken before or since, and produced effects which lie beyond the reach of orator or poet; without writing a single line, he set more pens in motion, and furnished themes for more sermons, orations, discussions, learned volumes, works of art, and songs of praise than the whole army of great men of ancient and modern times. There never was in this world a life son unpretending, modest and lowly in its outward form and condition, and yet producing such extraordinary effects upon all ages, nations and classes of men."
Yes, Jesus the Christ was such an extra ordinary life, and yet so humble, what a paradox, that all time is dated from the time of his birth. He not only is the divide of history, He is the turning point of life. Your future is decided by the decision you make about Him.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Saturday, June 10, 2006
THE CHURCH; GOD'S INSTITUTION FOR HELPING AND HEALING
"Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).
I have thought this for a long time, but Dr. Larry Crabb has written it eloquently, "When I was in private practice, it struck me with high-noon clarity that whatever good I was doing in my office could be done better in the Church. . .by providing real community for everyone in the Church. It seemed to me that honestly facing your hidden life in safe relationships was a pretty powerful experience" (Christian Counseling Today). Amen! Not only does one experience the blessing of a safe community in a healthy church, but one also feels remission of sin, freedom from shame and guilt, by receiving baptism and the Lord's Supper with a proper understanding. How healing it is to be part of a healthy church!
A healthy church is a healing church! Relationships with God are restored. This is the primary healing task and characteristic of the healthy church. When relationships with God are healed, then the healing of other relationships will tend to follow. Physical healing tends to follow too because many of our physical diseases are the result of grief, anger, anxiety and depression. When the relationship with God is healed one is more able to manage these emotions. Ultimately, all of our physical diseases will be healed in the resurrection.
A healthy church is a safe place for relationships. It is a place where one can "spill his guts" and still find love and acceptance.
A healthy church is a church where there is structure and discipline. It works like a healthy family works. If the structure is too rigid or too flexible there will be dysfunction whether it be a family or a church! Without an understanding of who the authority is, and without accepting and trusting that authority, there will be dysfunction in the family or the church.
A healthy church is a church in which Christ is truly the gracious authority and there is an appropriate balance between structure and grace. You will be blessed by being a part of a healthy church!
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*I will be helping a church camp next week. I'm not sure if I will be able to post at all, but will try.
I have thought this for a long time, but Dr. Larry Crabb has written it eloquently, "When I was in private practice, it struck me with high-noon clarity that whatever good I was doing in my office could be done better in the Church. . .by providing real community for everyone in the Church. It seemed to me that honestly facing your hidden life in safe relationships was a pretty powerful experience" (Christian Counseling Today). Amen! Not only does one experience the blessing of a safe community in a healthy church, but one also feels remission of sin, freedom from shame and guilt, by receiving baptism and the Lord's Supper with a proper understanding. How healing it is to be part of a healthy church!
A healthy church is a healing church! Relationships with God are restored. This is the primary healing task and characteristic of the healthy church. When relationships with God are healed, then the healing of other relationships will tend to follow. Physical healing tends to follow too because many of our physical diseases are the result of grief, anger, anxiety and depression. When the relationship with God is healed one is more able to manage these emotions. Ultimately, all of our physical diseases will be healed in the resurrection.
A healthy church is a safe place for relationships. It is a place where one can "spill his guts" and still find love and acceptance.
A healthy church is a church where there is structure and discipline. It works like a healthy family works. If the structure is too rigid or too flexible there will be dysfunction whether it be a family or a church! Without an understanding of who the authority is, and without accepting and trusting that authority, there will be dysfunction in the family or the church.
A healthy church is a church in which Christ is truly the gracious authority and there is an appropriate balance between structure and grace. You will be blessed by being a part of a healthy church!
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*I will be helping a church camp next week. I'm not sure if I will be able to post at all, but will try.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
THE CHURCH BY GOD'S DESIGN
". . .that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the principalities and powers in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 3:10).
The contemporary church seems to mirror the contemporary culture at large. Divorce, addiction, abuse and infidelity rates are nearly the same in the church as outside it. This is extremely troubling to me, but it reminds me of a statement made by a great Christian thinker, 'A Christian may be no more moral than anyone else, but this is what makes him different; he knows he is a sinner and is trying to do something about it.' At least that much is positive!
Are we missing something as we do church? We have emphasized meeting "felt needs." Perhaps we need to get back to meeting real needs because personal happiness seems to be the felt need of most of our church members. Is the Spirit being formed in our people? It is interesting to note that the divorce rate within the Catholic Church is lower than the general population while in evangelical and "Spirit-filled" churches it is a bit higher than the general population. Could it be that the reason for this is the emphasis on God's grace and making the easy assumption that God will forgive? Has grace become "cheap" in evangelical churches?
I am not saying I have answers. I do believe that the Church is a hospital for sinners and that it is in this environment that the greatest battles for souls are waged! It could well be for this reason that the church reflects what is going on in the culture at large. The Church is not an accident. It is not the creation of men; it exists by God's creation, design and provision. The Church will fulfill it's purpose!
Grace&Peace;
Tom
The contemporary church seems to mirror the contemporary culture at large. Divorce, addiction, abuse and infidelity rates are nearly the same in the church as outside it. This is extremely troubling to me, but it reminds me of a statement made by a great Christian thinker, 'A Christian may be no more moral than anyone else, but this is what makes him different; he knows he is a sinner and is trying to do something about it.' At least that much is positive!
Are we missing something as we do church? We have emphasized meeting "felt needs." Perhaps we need to get back to meeting real needs because personal happiness seems to be the felt need of most of our church members. Is the Spirit being formed in our people? It is interesting to note that the divorce rate within the Catholic Church is lower than the general population while in evangelical and "Spirit-filled" churches it is a bit higher than the general population. Could it be that the reason for this is the emphasis on God's grace and making the easy assumption that God will forgive? Has grace become "cheap" in evangelical churches?
I am not saying I have answers. I do believe that the Church is a hospital for sinners and that it is in this environment that the greatest battles for souls are waged! It could well be for this reason that the church reflects what is going on in the culture at large. The Church is not an accident. It is not the creation of men; it exists by God's creation, design and provision. The Church will fulfill it's purpose!
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
THE TRUTH ABOUT CHANGE
"Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand" (Matthew 3:2).
People change when they want to badly enough. People succeed when they recognize that their addiction/compulsion interferes with something they value and when they recognize that they can change. Statistically, of the people who overcome addictions, most do it on their own without treatment. That is not to say that treatment is not useful, but it also points out the possibility that people have the power to change!
God places the responsibility for commitment to change upon us. He treats us as competent individuals, not as hopelessly sick people who could not be responsible for anything. That is tough love--it's very affirming!
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*The Surprising Truth About Addiction, an article in the June 2004 "Psychology Today" was source material for this "Bullet."
People change when they want to badly enough. People succeed when they recognize that their addiction/compulsion interferes with something they value and when they recognize that they can change. Statistically, of the people who overcome addictions, most do it on their own without treatment. That is not to say that treatment is not useful, but it also points out the possibility that people have the power to change!
God places the responsibility for commitment to change upon us. He treats us as competent individuals, not as hopelessly sick people who could not be responsible for anything. That is tough love--it's very affirming!
Grace&Peace;
Tom
*The Surprising Truth About Addiction, an article in the June 2004 "Psychology Today" was source material for this "Bullet."
Monday, June 05, 2006
6 SUGGESTIONS THAT ENCOURAGE SUCCESSFUL CHANGE
If you are struggling with any kind of habit, addiction or seemingly compulsive behavior, here are six suggestions that will encourage change.
1. Believe you can change! God is in the change business. He doesn't want you to continue on as you are. "Repent," "new creation," "new life" and "resurrection" are New Testament words and phrases that indicate that, as a Christian, you will not stay as you are if you allow God to work in your life! Believe it! You can change!
2. There must be a commitment to change. Meaningful, personal change is impossible without it! That is what repentance is about.
3. Seek inspiration. What inspires you to stay on track? It may be a support group of people in a similar situation. It may be the cheerleading of a life coach or mentor. It may be time spent in Bible reading, prayer and communion. Make sure you seek inspiration to stay on track!
4. Skill development. Bad habits, addictions and compulsive behaviors are coping mechanisms that we think help us to cope with life, BUT THEY DON'T! Thought-stopping and stress-reduction skills are critical. Developing good social skills are essential as well. As appropriate skills are developed, the coping mechanisms are extinguished.
5. Do not be afraid to repeat your efforts! Most of the time there will be failure. Do not let that discourage you! Try to learn from failure. Failure can teach us how not to do it the next time. Change is seldom instant. Even with a miracle, one has to "take up his bed and walk."
6. Acknowledge improvement! Celebrate the small victories even though the whole problem hasn't been overcome! This can serve as inspiration for further progress.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
1. Believe you can change! God is in the change business. He doesn't want you to continue on as you are. "Repent," "new creation," "new life" and "resurrection" are New Testament words and phrases that indicate that, as a Christian, you will not stay as you are if you allow God to work in your life! Believe it! You can change!
2. There must be a commitment to change. Meaningful, personal change is impossible without it! That is what repentance is about.
3. Seek inspiration. What inspires you to stay on track? It may be a support group of people in a similar situation. It may be the cheerleading of a life coach or mentor. It may be time spent in Bible reading, prayer and communion. Make sure you seek inspiration to stay on track!
4. Skill development. Bad habits, addictions and compulsive behaviors are coping mechanisms that we think help us to cope with life, BUT THEY DON'T! Thought-stopping and stress-reduction skills are critical. Developing good social skills are essential as well. As appropriate skills are developed, the coping mechanisms are extinguished.
5. Do not be afraid to repeat your efforts! Most of the time there will be failure. Do not let that discourage you! Try to learn from failure. Failure can teach us how not to do it the next time. Change is seldom instant. Even with a miracle, one has to "take up his bed and walk."
6. Acknowledge improvement! Celebrate the small victories even though the whole problem hasn't been overcome! This can serve as inspiration for further progress.
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Sunday, June 04, 2006
ADEQUATE FAITH
"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe: help me overcome my unbelief" (Mark 9:24).
I do not believe that God requires us to have perfect faith, only an adequate faith. Like this father who had sought help for his son only to have his hope smashed, so life experience has come crashing down on our dreams and hopes. We have honest doubts because of our experiences and a misunderstanding of what those experiences mean. Like Jesus did not require a perfect faith from the father that the son might be healed, so God doesn't require a perfect faith for salvation, only an adequate one. Jesus won't reject us because of honest doubts. Remember, one of the most important prayers we can pray as we face life is, "Lord, I believe; help me overcome my unbelief."
Grace&Peace;
Tom
I do not believe that God requires us to have perfect faith, only an adequate faith. Like this father who had sought help for his son only to have his hope smashed, so life experience has come crashing down on our dreams and hopes. We have honest doubts because of our experiences and a misunderstanding of what those experiences mean. Like Jesus did not require a perfect faith from the father that the son might be healed, so God doesn't require a perfect faith for salvation, only an adequate one. Jesus won't reject us because of honest doubts. Remember, one of the most important prayers we can pray as we face life is, "Lord, I believe; help me overcome my unbelief."
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Friday, June 02, 2006
"FAITH ONLY"
"You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith only" (James 2:24). As a result of James' teaching about faith, Martin Luther called the book of James, "an epistle of straw."
The truth is that we all live by faith; the big question is, faith in what? We all have our beliefs. Sometimes our belief is, for example, that, "I must be liked." As a result, we will do what it takes to be liked. We will over-spend and over-do to impress other people. This kind of thing isn't all bad, it is what causes us to brush our teeth and put on deodorant in the morning. It becomes bad when it causes personal and family problems. Many people are in counseling because of living by their belief in the need to be liked. True beliefs always work themselves out in our lives--it is impossible for that not to be the case! One whole school of psychotherapy is dedicated to the proposition that there are irrational beliefs that motivate people to feel and act in ways that cause problems.
Faith in Christ that has no effect on our outward life is not faith; it is only intellectual assent, if that. There was a school of thought in James' time that suggested that the body was evil and thus, works done in the body were not that important. The only thing that mattered was that one believed in God. If one only believed right, the works done in the body made no difference because God would show more grace. That is not Christian faith! A faith that doesn't result in reliance upon God, an affection for Jesus and a desire to be like him, and a compassion for others is not real faith in Christ!
What you believe in always reveals itself in your life! What does your life say about what you believe?
Grace&Peace;
Tom
The truth is that we all live by faith; the big question is, faith in what? We all have our beliefs. Sometimes our belief is, for example, that, "I must be liked." As a result, we will do what it takes to be liked. We will over-spend and over-do to impress other people. This kind of thing isn't all bad, it is what causes us to brush our teeth and put on deodorant in the morning. It becomes bad when it causes personal and family problems. Many people are in counseling because of living by their belief in the need to be liked. True beliefs always work themselves out in our lives--it is impossible for that not to be the case! One whole school of psychotherapy is dedicated to the proposition that there are irrational beliefs that motivate people to feel and act in ways that cause problems.
Faith in Christ that has no effect on our outward life is not faith; it is only intellectual assent, if that. There was a school of thought in James' time that suggested that the body was evil and thus, works done in the body were not that important. The only thing that mattered was that one believed in God. If one only believed right, the works done in the body made no difference because God would show more grace. That is not Christian faith! A faith that doesn't result in reliance upon God, an affection for Jesus and a desire to be like him, and a compassion for others is not real faith in Christ!
What you believe in always reveals itself in your life! What does your life say about what you believe?
Grace&Peace;
Tom
Thursday, June 01, 2006
FAITH IS BELIEF THAT MAKES A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE
"Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1).
"For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so faith apart from works is dead" (James 2:26).
It is common for people to believe in Jesus, but that belief does not change their life. A belief that does not result in a change of life is not faith at all; it is only a masquerade. For belief to be faith, not only must there be acceptance of testimony, there must be trust or reliance on that testimony. There also must be active expression of that testimony in life--this is where many of us are weak. Also, in the case of faith in Christ, if that belief doesn't result in affection for Jesus and the Father, it is not faith; as James says, 'even the demons believe and tremble' (2:19), but they have no affection for our Heavenly Father.
So, I ask the question, is your belief real faith?
Grace&Peace;
Tom
"For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so faith apart from works is dead" (James 2:26).
It is common for people to believe in Jesus, but that belief does not change their life. A belief that does not result in a change of life is not faith at all; it is only a masquerade. For belief to be faith, not only must there be acceptance of testimony, there must be trust or reliance on that testimony. There also must be active expression of that testimony in life--this is where many of us are weak. Also, in the case of faith in Christ, if that belief doesn't result in affection for Jesus and the Father, it is not faith; as James says, 'even the demons believe and tremble' (2:19), but they have no affection for our Heavenly Father.
So, I ask the question, is your belief real faith?
Grace&Peace;
Tom
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