REFLECTIONS ON PARENTING 101

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).

In the area of child psychology, John Rosemond is a hero of mine.  He does not worship at the alter of contemporary thought, but he does respect the tried and true wisdom the was reflected in the parenting of those who made our country great.  Rosemond recently wrote a two-part series called, "Parenting 101."  My reflections are in two parts as well.

If you are married with children, put your marriage first.  Dr. James Dobson always said the same thing.  Helen and I grew our family up on Dobson--he came into prominence just at the time we were growing our family.  Though we believed this, we did not do well at it.  Money was a big issue.  Small-church ministers, it seems like, live on the edge of poverty so the needs of the children come first.  Date nights with the spouse were hard to come by.  In any case, single parent or married parents, the children have to know that they are not the center of your universe, rather, you are the center of theirs.  Your children have a much greater feeling of security when they know that mom and dad are taking care of their marriage and other necessary business first. It must be remembered that workaholism and the romantic flings of a single parent are destructive.

By the time your children are three years old, you should build a boundary between yourself and them, one that limits their access to you.  Children need to understand that they are not at your beck and call.  I believe that it is impossible to spoil a child under two.  If he/she cries they should be picked up, but that third year is critical, they need to begin understanding that you have a life beyond them.  One shouldn't pick a child up every time he cries.  Differentiation is necessary!

Say "No" more than you say "Yes."  Rosemond says that the proportion of No's to Yes's should be about five to one.  Helen and I weren't aware of the ratio of no's to yes's, but we tried to say "Yes" as often as we could because we had to say "No" so often.  Children who will not take "No" for an answer have parents who do not say "No" often enough and with conviction!

"Put the horse of leadership in front of the cart of relationship."  This was probably my greatest failing.  During my years as a youth worker at a residential treatment facility I tried to build relationship with the residents first.  It is impossible to build a meaningful and therapeutic relationship if the child does not have a clear understanding of who is in charge.  If the leader is easily manipulated so that a relationship can continue, then the child becomes the leader.  As a result, there is relationship sickness rather than health.  The children must understand who makes the decisions and who is in charge.

Our Father's Blessings,
Tom