REFLECTIONS ON PARENTING 101 (part 2)

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him (Proverbs 13:24).

The scripture here is often used as a proof text for spanking.  I do believe that spanking is an effective tool of discipline when used appropriately, but can be destructive when used inappropriately.  The emphasis of the text is on discipline and spanking is only one of the tools in the effective parent's disciplinary tool box.  Rosemond has more thoughts on effective discipline upon which I will reflect.

The parent must be at the center of the child's attention, not the other way around.  As a general rule, the more attention you pay a child, the less attention the child will pay to you.  It is much easier to discipline a child who is paying attention than one who is not.  What has been said should not be interpreted to mean that the child is out of your awareness as a parent--but the child should believe that he/she is not the center of your attention.

Your child must have a meaningful role in your family.  That means the child must have responsibilities known as chores.  Rosemond says that by the time a child is 4 years old, he/she should be contributing significant time and effort on a daily basis to the maintenance of the household.  This means keeping his/her own space clean and orderly as well as the common areas of the home--dusting and vacuuming.  Helen and I did not do well at this, but our children have grown to be responsible adults in this regard.  I think Helen would wish that her own husband would do much better himself about cleaning up around the house.  Having said that, without chores, children are mere consumers who think they are entitled to having the parents serve them.  Entitlements do not strengthen people or grow strong children.

"Keep television and other electronic media out of your child's life until your child as learned to read well and is self-entertaining.  The research is clear that electronic media shortens attention span, interferes with the development of certain critical thinking skills and develops a dependency that leads to frequent complaints of boredom."  This is one thing we did do well during our children's growing up years--we didn't have a television.  We read to the kids and the kids did a lot of reading--may be that's why they do so well now.

"From day 1, keep clutter out of your child's life by keeping toys and other 'stuff' at a minimum.  Paradoxically, children who entertain themselves well (low-maintenance children) tend to have few toys.  These children also are more grateful for and take better care of what they have."  Even among poor families, children tend to have too many toys--as did our children.  Too many toys make for too much clutter.  If children can learn to make their own entertainment, they will not require a lot of toys as adults.  They will tend to become more givers than takers.

"Emphasize manners, not skills.  Sixty years ago, most children came to overcrowded first grads not knowing their ABCs; yet, at the end of the year were reading at a higher level than today's kids, most of whom already are reading in kindergarten.  That happened because parents of 60 years ago taught proper behavior, not skills; therefore, teachers taught skills, not proper behavior.  Grow a polite child."  My wife is a teacher--I know she, and all of her colleagues, would agree.  They have to spend so much time teaching proper behavior that there is little quality time left for teaching skills.  Academic scores in the US have declined in direct correlation to the disintegration of the home.

"Love your child enough to grow a happy child."  This is the most important--it is in direct agreement with the cited scripture text.

Our Father's Blessings,
Tom