A good wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels . . . Strength and dignity are her clothing . . . Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised ( Proverbs 31:10, 25 & 30).
It is New Year's Eve. The house is quiet and I have a little time to reflect. Our Iowa children were home for a few days for Christmas. The house was full and we just had a great time being together. I always feel a little empty inside after the celebration is over and everyone goes home--lonely might be a better word than empty to describe my feelings. Still, I have a great wife to keep me company, and I am grateful for that!
To prepare for our Christmas I pretty much cleaned the house, though Helen did a lot of cleaning, her job was stressing her out as she spent a lot of time at work. I scrubbed and waxed the floors by hand. I learned from a woman whom I respect as a cleaner that to clean floors right they must be done by hand. So, I donned a set of knee pads and went to work. Even with the knee pads, my knees hurt as I did the job, and my back hurt too. Though age has something to do with it, even if one is young, cleaning is a taxing job. Then I imagined myself as a young housewife with three children to care for, how hard it must be. Young wives and mothers have to be very disciplined in order to run an orderly household. I think many husbands simply do not appreciated what their women to. Men need to be involved in the cleaning too, so they can appreciate what their wives do.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
JUDGMENT OR NOT?
. . . we make it our aim to pleas him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive good or evil, according to what he has done in the body (II Corinthians 5:9c-10).
This is one of the more sobering scriptures in the Bible because it was written to Christian people. From my theological perspective it does mean that Christians will stand before Christ in judgement, but because we have trusted in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on our behalf, repentance and baptism being our witness, then Jesus counts us as his and does not see our sins. My sins are as great as any man's so the only claim I have on salvation is on the basis of what Jesus has done for me.
One of the great enemies of the gospel is secularism because secularism suggests that when a person dies there is nothing of the person that lives on except for the children he/she has brought into the world and the family teachings and dynamics they live out. They, and those who commit suicide assume that death is the end of it all. Phenomenally, it might seem that they are right because after death the physical body is only so much dead meat, but God says otherwise. Imagine the surprise of those who die without Christ. First they go to sleep. Then, they go through the experience of a dying brain, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, seeing relatives and other loved ones embedded in the memories of their brains. Finally, being escorted by angels to their abode to await final judgment, though this temporary abode is a judgment in its self, being a foretaste of eternity.
The 5th chapter of II Corinthians is one of the great chapters of the Bible, I just finished reading it as a daily Bible reading. It begins with these words of hope with which it is good to close this Bullet: For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands eternal in the heavens. Here indeed we groan, and long to put on our heavenly dwelling, so that by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we sigh with anxiety; not that we be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee (II Corinthians 5:1-5).
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
This is one of the more sobering scriptures in the Bible because it was written to Christian people. From my theological perspective it does mean that Christians will stand before Christ in judgement, but because we have trusted in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on our behalf, repentance and baptism being our witness, then Jesus counts us as his and does not see our sins. My sins are as great as any man's so the only claim I have on salvation is on the basis of what Jesus has done for me.
One of the great enemies of the gospel is secularism because secularism suggests that when a person dies there is nothing of the person that lives on except for the children he/she has brought into the world and the family teachings and dynamics they live out. They, and those who commit suicide assume that death is the end of it all. Phenomenally, it might seem that they are right because after death the physical body is only so much dead meat, but God says otherwise. Imagine the surprise of those who die without Christ. First they go to sleep. Then, they go through the experience of a dying brain, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, seeing relatives and other loved ones embedded in the memories of their brains. Finally, being escorted by angels to their abode to await final judgment, though this temporary abode is a judgment in its self, being a foretaste of eternity.
The 5th chapter of II Corinthians is one of the great chapters of the Bible, I just finished reading it as a daily Bible reading. It begins with these words of hope with which it is good to close this Bullet: For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands eternal in the heavens. Here indeed we groan, and long to put on our heavenly dwelling, so that by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we sigh with anxiety; not that we be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee (II Corinthians 5:1-5).
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Friday, December 17, 2010
CHARACTER AND COMPETENCY, IS THERE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER?
A righteous man turns away from evil, but the way of the wicked leads them astray (Proverbs 12:26 RSV).
What precipitated this bullet was an interview in Christian Counseling Today of Dr. Tim Irwin. The interview simply set me to thinking about the role of character in counseling competency--or any competency for that matter. The subject of the interview was, "Character Trumps Competence." My thoughts are not intended to disagree with what was said in the interview, but merely add my perspective.
Rather than being two different categories, I believe that character is a necessary quality of competency so that one cannot be fully competent without it. A dictionary definition of competency is having the necessary qualities and skills. Is character a necessary quality for competency in any arena? Yes!
Skill development requires a degree of character. Some are so gifted that the development of skill requires little effort so the quality of their character is not revealed until significant stress sets in--it's a tragedy that this often happens when someone is desperately depending on him/her. Those not so gifted might cut corners or cheat in their skill development, and thus do their work with compromised competency.
In my Ethic and Legal Procedures class in seminary we talked of the ethics of sharing our faith in Christ with a client. There are times in counseling when that might be appropriate, but basically the truth is that the counselor's faith and value system cannot help but be revealed indirectly; it just is part of the counselors personality. Though the counselor might not speak of Christ directly, Christ is in the counselor, coming out in empathy, and how we respond and direct. However, a compromised character is revealed in the same way. A Counselor might very well be competent in the art and science of counseling, but if he/she is not a person of character, that will come out in their counseling too, thus short-term existential success can give way to long-term failure.
I hope my thoughts made sense. Though I applied this to counselors, I think it is applicable to all areas where competency and leadership is required--even on the football field. The beloved Iowa Hawkeyes found that out this season.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
What precipitated this bullet was an interview in Christian Counseling Today of Dr. Tim Irwin. The interview simply set me to thinking about the role of character in counseling competency--or any competency for that matter. The subject of the interview was, "Character Trumps Competence." My thoughts are not intended to disagree with what was said in the interview, but merely add my perspective.
Rather than being two different categories, I believe that character is a necessary quality of competency so that one cannot be fully competent without it. A dictionary definition of competency is having the necessary qualities and skills. Is character a necessary quality for competency in any arena? Yes!
Skill development requires a degree of character. Some are so gifted that the development of skill requires little effort so the quality of their character is not revealed until significant stress sets in--it's a tragedy that this often happens when someone is desperately depending on him/her. Those not so gifted might cut corners or cheat in their skill development, and thus do their work with compromised competency.
In my Ethic and Legal Procedures class in seminary we talked of the ethics of sharing our faith in Christ with a client. There are times in counseling when that might be appropriate, but basically the truth is that the counselor's faith and value system cannot help but be revealed indirectly; it just is part of the counselors personality. Though the counselor might not speak of Christ directly, Christ is in the counselor, coming out in empathy, and how we respond and direct. However, a compromised character is revealed in the same way. A Counselor might very well be competent in the art and science of counseling, but if he/she is not a person of character, that will come out in their counseling too, thus short-term existential success can give way to long-term failure.
I hope my thoughts made sense. Though I applied this to counselors, I think it is applicable to all areas where competency and leadership is required--even on the football field. The beloved Iowa Hawkeyes found that out this season.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Saturday, December 11, 2010
REFLECTIONS ON PARENTING 101 (part 2)
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him (Proverbs 13:24).
The scripture here is often used as a proof text for spanking. I do believe that spanking is an effective tool of discipline when used appropriately, but can be destructive when used inappropriately. The emphasis of the text is on discipline and spanking is only one of the tools in the effective parent's disciplinary tool box. Rosemond has more thoughts on effective discipline upon which I will reflect.
The parent must be at the center of the child's attention, not the other way around. As a general rule, the more attention you pay a child, the less attention the child will pay to you. It is much easier to discipline a child who is paying attention than one who is not. What has been said should not be interpreted to mean that the child is out of your awareness as a parent--but the child should believe that he/she is not the center of your attention.
Your child must have a meaningful role in your family. That means the child must have responsibilities known as chores. Rosemond says that by the time a child is 4 years old, he/she should be contributing significant time and effort on a daily basis to the maintenance of the household. This means keeping his/her own space clean and orderly as well as the common areas of the home--dusting and vacuuming. Helen and I did not do well at this, but our children have grown to be responsible adults in this regard. I think Helen would wish that her own husband would do much better himself about cleaning up around the house. Having said that, without chores, children are mere consumers who think they are entitled to having the parents serve them. Entitlements do not strengthen people or grow strong children.
"Keep television and other electronic media out of your child's life until your child as learned to read well and is self-entertaining. The research is clear that electronic media shortens attention span, interferes with the development of certain critical thinking skills and develops a dependency that leads to frequent complaints of boredom." This is one thing we did do well during our children's growing up years--we didn't have a television. We read to the kids and the kids did a lot of reading--may be that's why they do so well now.
"From day 1, keep clutter out of your child's life by keeping toys and other 'stuff' at a minimum. Paradoxically, children who entertain themselves well (low-maintenance children) tend to have few toys. These children also are more grateful for and take better care of what they have." Even among poor families, children tend to have too many toys--as did our children. Too many toys make for too much clutter. If children can learn to make their own entertainment, they will not require a lot of toys as adults. They will tend to become more givers than takers.
"Emphasize manners, not skills. Sixty years ago, most children came to overcrowded first grads not knowing their ABCs; yet, at the end of the year were reading at a higher level than today's kids, most of whom already are reading in kindergarten. That happened because parents of 60 years ago taught proper behavior, not skills; therefore, teachers taught skills, not proper behavior. Grow a polite child." My wife is a teacher--I know she, and all of her colleagues, would agree. They have to spend so much time teaching proper behavior that there is little quality time left for teaching skills. Academic scores in the US have declined in direct correlation to the disintegration of the home.
"Love your child enough to grow a happy child." This is the most important--it is in direct agreement with the cited scripture text.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
The scripture here is often used as a proof text for spanking. I do believe that spanking is an effective tool of discipline when used appropriately, but can be destructive when used inappropriately. The emphasis of the text is on discipline and spanking is only one of the tools in the effective parent's disciplinary tool box. Rosemond has more thoughts on effective discipline upon which I will reflect.
The parent must be at the center of the child's attention, not the other way around. As a general rule, the more attention you pay a child, the less attention the child will pay to you. It is much easier to discipline a child who is paying attention than one who is not. What has been said should not be interpreted to mean that the child is out of your awareness as a parent--but the child should believe that he/she is not the center of your attention.
Your child must have a meaningful role in your family. That means the child must have responsibilities known as chores. Rosemond says that by the time a child is 4 years old, he/she should be contributing significant time and effort on a daily basis to the maintenance of the household. This means keeping his/her own space clean and orderly as well as the common areas of the home--dusting and vacuuming. Helen and I did not do well at this, but our children have grown to be responsible adults in this regard. I think Helen would wish that her own husband would do much better himself about cleaning up around the house. Having said that, without chores, children are mere consumers who think they are entitled to having the parents serve them. Entitlements do not strengthen people or grow strong children.
"Keep television and other electronic media out of your child's life until your child as learned to read well and is self-entertaining. The research is clear that electronic media shortens attention span, interferes with the development of certain critical thinking skills and develops a dependency that leads to frequent complaints of boredom." This is one thing we did do well during our children's growing up years--we didn't have a television. We read to the kids and the kids did a lot of reading--may be that's why they do so well now.
"From day 1, keep clutter out of your child's life by keeping toys and other 'stuff' at a minimum. Paradoxically, children who entertain themselves well (low-maintenance children) tend to have few toys. These children also are more grateful for and take better care of what they have." Even among poor families, children tend to have too many toys--as did our children. Too many toys make for too much clutter. If children can learn to make their own entertainment, they will not require a lot of toys as adults. They will tend to become more givers than takers.
"Emphasize manners, not skills. Sixty years ago, most children came to overcrowded first grads not knowing their ABCs; yet, at the end of the year were reading at a higher level than today's kids, most of whom already are reading in kindergarten. That happened because parents of 60 years ago taught proper behavior, not skills; therefore, teachers taught skills, not proper behavior. Grow a polite child." My wife is a teacher--I know she, and all of her colleagues, would agree. They have to spend so much time teaching proper behavior that there is little quality time left for teaching skills. Academic scores in the US have declined in direct correlation to the disintegration of the home.
"Love your child enough to grow a happy child." This is the most important--it is in direct agreement with the cited scripture text.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
Thursday, December 09, 2010
REFLECTIONS ON PARENTING 101
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).
In the area of child psychology, John Rosemond is a hero of mine. He does not worship at the alter of contemporary thought, but he does respect the tried and true wisdom the was reflected in the parenting of those who made our country great. Rosemond recently wrote a two-part series called, "Parenting 101." My reflections are in two parts as well.
If you are married with children, put your marriage first. Dr. James Dobson always said the same thing. Helen and I grew our family up on Dobson--he came into prominence just at the time we were growing our family. Though we believed this, we did not do well at it. Money was a big issue. Small-church ministers, it seems like, live on the edge of poverty so the needs of the children come first. Date nights with the spouse were hard to come by. In any case, single parent or married parents, the children have to know that they are not the center of your universe, rather, you are the center of theirs. Your children have a much greater feeling of security when they know that mom and dad are taking care of their marriage and other necessary business first. It must be remembered that workaholism and the romantic flings of a single parent are destructive.
By the time your children are three years old, you should build a boundary between yourself and them, one that limits their access to you. Children need to understand that they are not at your beck and call. I believe that it is impossible to spoil a child under two. If he/she cries they should be picked up, but that third year is critical, they need to begin understanding that you have a life beyond them. One shouldn't pick a child up every time he cries. Differentiation is necessary!
Say "No" more than you say "Yes." Rosemond says that the proportion of No's to Yes's should be about five to one. Helen and I weren't aware of the ratio of no's to yes's, but we tried to say "Yes" as often as we could because we had to say "No" so often. Children who will not take "No" for an answer have parents who do not say "No" often enough and with conviction!
"Put the horse of leadership in front of the cart of relationship." This was probably my greatest failing. During my years as a youth worker at a residential treatment facility I tried to build relationship with the residents first. It is impossible to build a meaningful and therapeutic relationship if the child does not have a clear understanding of who is in charge. If the leader is easily manipulated so that a relationship can continue, then the child becomes the leader. As a result, there is relationship sickness rather than health. The children must understand who makes the decisions and who is in charge.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
In the area of child psychology, John Rosemond is a hero of mine. He does not worship at the alter of contemporary thought, but he does respect the tried and true wisdom the was reflected in the parenting of those who made our country great. Rosemond recently wrote a two-part series called, "Parenting 101." My reflections are in two parts as well.
If you are married with children, put your marriage first. Dr. James Dobson always said the same thing. Helen and I grew our family up on Dobson--he came into prominence just at the time we were growing our family. Though we believed this, we did not do well at it. Money was a big issue. Small-church ministers, it seems like, live on the edge of poverty so the needs of the children come first. Date nights with the spouse were hard to come by. In any case, single parent or married parents, the children have to know that they are not the center of your universe, rather, you are the center of theirs. Your children have a much greater feeling of security when they know that mom and dad are taking care of their marriage and other necessary business first. It must be remembered that workaholism and the romantic flings of a single parent are destructive.
By the time your children are three years old, you should build a boundary between yourself and them, one that limits their access to you. Children need to understand that they are not at your beck and call. I believe that it is impossible to spoil a child under two. If he/she cries they should be picked up, but that third year is critical, they need to begin understanding that you have a life beyond them. One shouldn't pick a child up every time he cries. Differentiation is necessary!
Say "No" more than you say "Yes." Rosemond says that the proportion of No's to Yes's should be about five to one. Helen and I weren't aware of the ratio of no's to yes's, but we tried to say "Yes" as often as we could because we had to say "No" so often. Children who will not take "No" for an answer have parents who do not say "No" often enough and with conviction!
"Put the horse of leadership in front of the cart of relationship." This was probably my greatest failing. During my years as a youth worker at a residential treatment facility I tried to build relationship with the residents first. It is impossible to build a meaningful and therapeutic relationship if the child does not have a clear understanding of who is in charge. If the leader is easily manipulated so that a relationship can continue, then the child becomes the leader. As a result, there is relationship sickness rather than health. The children must understand who makes the decisions and who is in charge.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
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