And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds . . . (Hebrews 12:24).
It is often said that the "causes" of marital conflict are disagreements over such things as children, sex, and money. If no issues surfaces in any of these ares, people would probably get along better. However, people do not have trouble getting along because of issues in these areas. These issues tend to bring out the emotional immaturity of people and it is that immaturity, not the issues, that creates the conflict (Family Evaluation, Kerr/Bowen, 188).
One of the symptoms of low levels of emotional maturity is chronic conflict. In a marriage where there is low emotional maturity, each of the spouses believes that it is the other that needs to change to bring about a change in the relationship. Even though opposites attract, one of the laws of attraction is that people with similar levels of emotional maturity are attracted to each other so, for example, when one of the spouses is aggressive, most often, the other will be passive-aggressive; each will contribute equally to the conflict.
Except for extreme situations, divorce is not a solution, finding someone else is not a solution because the "someone else" will be a person of similar emotional maturity so the conflict will begin all over again. Learning to deal with conflict is not easy, but learning to do these four things will help:
1. Recognize that you are responsible for much of the conflict.
2. Learn to listen so that you understand. Often, we react emotionally before we understand and, as a result, there is conflict.
3. Recognize the effect of your emotional reactivity on yourself and your spouse. To do this, try to be an observer of your own interactions, noting what actually occurs in your conflicted interactions.
4. Be thankful for the good things that are brought to the relationship. On this earth, there are no perfect human relationships. Look for the positive contributions that the other brings to the relationship and be thankful for them. Attempts to coerce a desired behavior in a relationship might appear to be successful, but feed resentments that will eventually manifest themselves in destructive ways. Teach, for the most part, by example and pray that each of you are sensitive to the Spirit's prompting and become the spouses that they need to be.
Our Father's Blessings,
Tom
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Being a devoted reader of SB I notice that you have referred to Kerr/Bowen in other articles. It must be remembered that Bowen was an athiest, and, as such, his perspective is completely naturalistic. His research did not consider the Holy Spirit nor the influence of the evil one. Since we live in the flesh, these naturalistic dynamics are valid and must be considered, nevertheless, the dynamic of the Spirit must also be considered! There are those who, because of His presence in their lives, bear his fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control even though they have come from conflicted families. As well there are those whose family of origin was high functioning who have made destructive choices and have conflicted relationships. The presence of the evil one has to be considered in this regard.
Yours for a Hawkeye national football championship, Hawkeye Gold
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