THE LIES WE BELIEVE ABOUT MARRIAGE

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

In honor of 38 years of marriage to my wife, the lovely and gracious Helen, I am writing about the lies we believe about marriage.* In our humanity, we have all believed at least one, if not all, of them.

1. The purpose of marriage is our personal happiness. In our culture, personal happiness trumps everything else on the list for determining worth; "If it doesn't make me happy, it isn't worth it." But the purpose of marriage is not for our personal happiness, it is for oneness. Oneness is getting past your own egotism. Marriage is the opposite of self-centered conceit, you can't even have a true friendship without getting past your narcissism, rather, it is giving up of your self to the other. Thus, there are sacrifices, disappointments and heartaches that are inevitably involved with oneness; without them oneness cannot be achieved. The great reward for oneness is to be able to look back on many years of life working and playing with an unfailing friend and finding joy in a life shared together. The memories of conquering difficulties, finding forgiveness in failures, investing in children and keeping the Faith all bring a abiding sense of joy and gratitude.

2. Love is what holds a marriage together. One of the questions I ask a couple when they first come for premarital counseling, "Why do you want to get married?" Almost always, they will answer, "Because we love each other." Well, as doctor Laura often says, "Love isn't enough." The truth is that love will wax and wane in a marriage. At times it will seem as if it is absent altogether. If a couple vows to stay together as long as love shall last, they really have vowed nothing; marriage has become as disposable as paper plates used at the reception. Actually, romantic love is an emotion and is tied to how we are thinking of the marriage. What we are thinking about the marriage frequently changes.

Marriage is a faith commitment, a commitment made before God. Marriage is not just a commitment made to each other, it is one made to God, who is the author of marriage. It is a relationship in which the most mature kind of love can grow, "Love is patient, love is kind . . ." (I Corinthians 13:4).

3. The goal of marriage is fulfillment of the individual. How could single people ever find fulfillment if marriage is the necessary way to find it? There are singles out there who have fulfilling lives; I know several. Rather, the successful marriage requires an abandonment so complete that we give up ourselves to the other. That is what is involved in making a covenant with another. It isn't merely a contract between equals, but a treaty of surrender of two sovereigns to each other.

At one time or another, I believed every one of those lies and our marriage suffered for it. I'm glad that God gave me an understanding and forgiving wife!

Grace&Peace,
Tom

*These thoughts are adapted from an article in "Christian Counseling Today" by James Mcmahon and Michael Mcmanus.