REPLY TO BL

BL asked a question that reflects the popular psychology of our time, 'If the marriage is unhappy, isn't that harmful to the kids too?' There is just enough truth in that line of thinking to make it seem that a marriage must be a happy marriage or the children will be damaged. The research does not reflect this. Both boys and girls desperately need their dads for proper development. One huge dynamic of dysfunctional behavior in children and young adults is the lack of Dad's involvement in their lives--just having dad there is important.

Jesus said that Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of men's hearts. Indeed, divorce does serve a remedial function. There are marriages that are dysfunctional enough that they put the children and one of the spouses in danger. Affairs, addictions and abuse, the triple A's, are adulterous, being violations of the vows and endangering the family! Even these things do not require divorce in the short term--separation works better for short-term unfaithfulness. But, if any of the triple A's persist over the longer term, then divorce is an acceptable remedy for the sake of the family. The triple A's are so dysfunctional that the children will be damaged if the marriage continues!

But, by far, most marriages end because one, or both, of the spouses is not happy. Children from homes where the marriages are simply "not happy" get along much better, as a whole, than children from divorced parents. It is the right thing to do to stay together for the sake of the children. Personal happiness is not the number one concern here--the children are. Raising the kids until they are 19 is not a life-sentence in "prison"--only a 19+ year one. Then, of course, grandchildren are quite likely on the way. It is right to stay together for the grandchildren too; they need grampa and gramma together. By that time grampa and gramma might have just learned how to be happy in their marriage.

If parents who are not happy in their marriages can, at the very least, learn to be polite to each other in the home, the children will be OK.

Grace&Peace,
Tom