KEEPING YOUR LOVER

I am my lover's and my lover is mine . . . (Song of Songs 6:3).

It is often said that the "causes" of marital conflict are disagreements over such things as children, sex, and money.  If no issues surfaces in any of these areas, people would probably get along better.  However, people do not have trouble getting along because of issues in these areas.  These issues tend to bring out the emotional immaturity of people and it is that immaturity, not the issues, that creates the conflict (Family Evaluation, Kerr/Bowen, 188).

Change is not easy because it means changing who we are.  Emotional maturity/immaturity is something we are born with--it is in our genes.  Emotional maturity/immaturity is also something that is learned.  One of the things I learned from ranching cattle was to select for temperament.  To keep a highly reactive cow in the herd would make the whole heard reactive, so we would put wheels under the wild cow and would take her to market.

People are not animals.  While I recognize that, because of genetics, it is harder for some to behave than others, I also know that God has made us as beings who can make choices and be responsible for those choices.

So what does this have to do with making marriage work?  Emotional reactivity is destructive to a marriage. If there is constant anger and criticism it will be almost impossible to have a successful marriage.  Your lover will not remain your lover very long if you are constantly trying to change his flaws--only he can change his flaws.

Remember these things that are true:

1.  You are responsible for much of the conflict.

2.  Listen.  Listening is for understanding--not for emotional reactivity.  With conflicted couples emotional reactions block understanding.  Recognize the effect of your emotional reactions on your lover and yourself.

3.  There are no perfect relationships.  Be THANKFUL for the good things your lover brings into the relationship.

4.  Find a new voice.  Nagging, angry voices are destructive.  A positive, peaceful yet assertive voice is good.

5.  Acknowledge good-faith efforts of your lover to contribute to relationship success.  Maybe flowers and candy do not do much for you, but at least thank him for trying.

6.  Have a team spirit--it is not all about you and your feelings.  What can we accomplish together better than we can do apart?

Doing these things go a long way to keeping your lover as your lover.

Our Father's love,
Tom