COMMUNICATION PATTERNS IN MARRIAGE

"A continual dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in his right hand" (Proverbs 27:15-16).

The most complimentary writing about a woman is found in Proverbs 31--she definitely was not a contentious woman. Scattered throughout Proverbs are references to the contentious woman. This proves that in whatever culture in whatever period of time human nature has not changed very much.

Communication patterns are at the center of the success of a marriage. One of the things premarital counselors should evaluate are the communication patterns of the engaged couple because it is communication patterns that are pretty reliable predictors of the success of the marriage. Negative patterns are far more predictive than positive ones. It takes 5 to 20 positive comments to equal the power of 1 negative comment. Sometimes with a nagging and critical spouse in marriage counseling it is hard to find a positive comment. It is hard for a marriage to survive a contentious woman----or man. Predicting the success of a marriage is almost as simple as doing the math. If there are at least 5 positives to 1 negative comment in their communication, they will probably do OK. If there is less than that, there will be trouble.

Here are some negative communication patterns that are extremely destructive to a marriage:
1) Withdrawal--men are most guilty of this. Working late, hobbies and activities which become excuses for not being with spouse. All of this busyness says something, thus it is communication.

2) Escalation--raising of voice or anything that raises the temperature--slamming a door.

3) Invalidation--name calling, rolling eyeballs, heavy breathing, the silent treatment(this could be the worst).

4) Negative interpretation--when even a spouse's positives become a negative if the motive is believed to be negative. The spouse can do nothing right. When communication is in this mode the marriage will not turn around unless there is a miraculous change in perspective!

Check out your communication patterns! Are you a contentious woman----or man?

Grace&Peace,
Tom